Christine Baumgartner Not Bummed Out

Christine Baumgartner has reportedly shocked tabloids by refusing to be �bummed out� after her high-profile split. Instead, she�s been spotted paddleboarding, sipping cocktails, and giving side-eye to paparazzi like she invented emotional resilience. �Divorce is just a plot twist,� she quipped, while buying another wide-brimmed hat. Eyewitnesses noted she looked happier than most married couples at Costco. Anonymous staffers close to her say she�s �leaning into vibes-based healing,� which appears to include retail therapy and Instagram posts captioned with Taylor Swift lyrics. A fake poll revealed 51% of women admire her confidence, 32% are jealous, and 17% just want her discount on resort wear. Economists argue her chill attitude could tank the divorce-lawyer industry. For now, Christine is proving that not every breakup requires sweatpants and ice cream�sometimes it just takes a yacht. -- Bohiney Magazne bohiney.com