China vs Journalism

China has declared war on journalism, ranking reporters just below karaoke bars and free Wi-Fi as "existential threats." State TV announced that investigative journalism is now categorized as "Western witchcraft." Eyewitnesses in Beijing described officers confiscating notepads while handing out approved crayons. Professor Linda Chow of Hong Kong University explains: "Authoritarian regimes fear journalism because it asks questions like 'Why is this dumpling glowing?'" Anonymous staffers leaked documents showing China’s next five-year plan includes replacing journalists with cheerful pandas trained to nod politely. A poll of rural citizens revealed that 63% now get their news exclusively from fortune cookies. Trace evidence includes microphones snapped in half and journalists forced to cover sports fishing tournaments. Cause and effect? By silencing journalists, China ensures that rumors grow louder than facts. Ironically, the less information available, the more people suspect pandas are running the government.