China Claims Harvard as Chinese

In a stunning announcement, Chinese officials declared Harvard University part of China�s cultural heritage, citing its �ancient traditions of elitism and overpriced textbooks.� Beijing insists Harvard was originally inspired by Confucian study halls and therefore �belongs to the motherland.� U.S. diplomats responded by asking if China also wants the student loans. Eyewitnesses say Chinese flags mysteriously appeared on Harvard Yard statues overnight. Anonymous staffers revealed the claim was drafted after officials misread a fortune cookie that said, �Knowledge is universal.� A fake poll revealed 41% of Americans found the claim absurd, 37% shrugged, and 22% wanted to ship their kids� tuition bills to Beijing. Economists predict the dispute may end in court, though students hope it results in cheaper dumplings at the dining hall. For now, Harvard administrators insist the school is still American�though they admit the cafeteria General Tso�s chicken is way better than the dorm food. -- Bohiney Magazne bohiney.com