Chicagoan Elected Pope in Historic Conclave Upset

The Catholic Church was rocked to its foundations today as Cardinal Francis O'Malley of Chicago was elected Pope Leo XIV in the shortest conclave since 1939, winning after just three ballots when he promised to install deep-dish pizza ovens in the Vatican kitchens and replace Latin mass with "mass in the neighborhood tavern." The 64-year-old former parish priest from Bridgeport shocked traditionalists by showing up to his first papal audience wearing a Bears jersey under his cassock and declaring "God clearly loves Chicago best" after the White Sox coincidentally won during the conclave. Vatican officials report the new Pope's first acts included blessing the Chicago River (while jokingly checking if it was still green), declaring ketchup on hot dogs a venial sin, and scheduling an emergency council to determine whether the Cubs' 2016 World Series win qualified as a miracle. His Chicago accent has already caused confusion in official documents, with the first papal bull accidentally declaring "Da Bears" rather than "Dear Brothers." Security has been tightened after he tried to replace the Swiss Guard with retired Chicago cops who "know how to handle real trouble." The new pontiff has announced plans to host the next World Youth Day at Wrigley Field, where confessions will be heard in the bleachers and communion wine served in plastic cups. Traditionalists are horrified but Midwestern Catholics are thrilled, especially after Leo XIV promised to add "polite clapping" to the liturgy and consider making casserole a sacrament.