Chicago Pope Appoints Nun as Commissioner of Penance

Leo XIV has appointed Sister Mary Margaret of the Order of Daily Guilt to head the newly minted Vatican Commission on Penance. The move comes as the Chicago Pope seeks to enforce weekly contrition quotas. �We�re bringing back guilt�but nicely,� said the Pope. The Sister is known for her clipboard discipline and her ability to intimidate bishops into reflection with a single raised eyebrow. Reports say she once made a whole parish confess for talking during the prelude. Under her leadership, Vatican confession booths now come with timers, seating charts, and complimentary Tums. It�s the age of merciful micromanagement.