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The great pubic hair conundrum / See! 8-year-old girls getting bikini waxes! Hear! Tales of spoiled tweens and their pricey dye jobs! Oh the horror!
April 11, 2008Updated: Feb. 9, 2012 7:07 p.m.
And then there's the one about how some brain-dead super-rich moms in some upscale hoods in Philly are dragging their brutally primped 8-, 9-, 10-year-old daughters to the salon and getting their eyebrows plucked and their stray hairs yanked and their cuticles scraped and their skin peeled and making sure everything is frighteningly picture-perfect because the girls simply must be made flawless and creepy and preternaturally vacuous — you know, just like mom.
But then comes the kicker, the horrifying thing that makes you cringe and recoil and want to move to Europe or maybe the moon, and it's the reason you are reading this ridiculous trend piece in the first place, against your better judgment but you do it anyway because, well, you're just that kind of masochist.
Because then you read about how this mom, this unspeakably sad and narcissistic creature of ignorance and silliness and savage karmic pain, actually demands that the waxer give her daughter — her prepubescent, pre-hormonal, nearly hairless 8-year-old daughter — a full bikini wax.
You read that right. And you don't even have to scream at the sky right now and throw up your hands and say, but, but, but ... girls that age don't even have pubic hair, do they?
Nope. Doesn't matter. The mom is insane. The little girl is so de-tuned from authentic girlhood already she just goes along for the ride. And the waxer is like, well, you're out of your mind, but fine, let's do this thing.
Yes, it's happening. And I suppose it's horrible. And you know it's happening and you know it's horrible because there's this absurdly long trend piece about it in some magazine that I unfortunately stumbled across recently, and it described the Brazilian wax phenomenon in ridiculous detail, with interviews and analysis and concerned comments from child-psychiatry specialists and aren't you alarmed and horrified? Well, no.
I must admit, it did a terrific job of doing exactly what ludicrous micro-trend pieces are supposed to do: zero in on a fringe phenomenon and make it seem like it's catching on like wildfire across the nation, and therefore you might want to make some brain space for this because who, pray who, will save the exceptionally well-groomed children? What's next, Botox for babies? Hot pink Juicy Couture thong underwear for 6-year-olds? Oh wait.
Of course, pre-pubescent bikini waxes are not really catching on. It's not really that common or even disturbing of a trend, given how for every spoiled rich doll-like child whose parents should never have been allowed to breed, there are 10,000 more who are just fine, whose parents take totally competent care of them and feed and clothe and house them just as respectfully and responsibly and awkwardly as ever. But who the hell wants to read about that?
And maybe you also back up a step and say OK, wait a second. You wanna talk child abuse? Because really, how is a bikini wax for an 8-year-old any more horrific or abusive than parents who, say, let their kids gorge on junk food? Than ignorant dads who haul the brood to McDonalds and KFC every day and pump them full of Coke and Snapple at age 6? Is waxing somehow worse or more damaging, psychologically speaking, than parents who smack their kids and scream at them in the middle of Wal-Mart, or those who drag their 5-year-olds into a screening of "Saw IV" or force them to listen to George W. Bush speak? Really, how do we weigh psychological torment?
The truth here is as obvious as it is deeply entertaining: Bad parenting abounds, baby, and what's more, I say our culture needs psycho parents and their preening, hyperplucked kids simply because the culture needs future Paris Hiltons and Lindsay Lohans and spoiled UCLA sorority girls with names like Dakota and Bree because, well, who else will we mock? Who else can future generations of normal kids look to and say, oh my God, at least I'm not like that? Who will grow up to date all the obnoxious frat guys and have bad drunken sex with them for 3.2 minutes and later marry and soon contribute to America's good Christian divorce rate? Exactly.
Similar, it all is, to a recent New York Times trend piece I just read on overpampered tweener girls getting expensive salon treatments at the new array of upscale spas designed especially for them. Have you heard? About relatively well-adjusted 9-year-olds whose parents "treat" their kids to flat-ironings and caramel tintings and expensive Miley Cyrus-grade primpings because they're all caught up in the pop culture horror show and think this is what life is all about? Wacky!
Of course, it doesn't stop there. The tweener trend merely connects further up the line to tales of desperately lousy parents who willingly pay 10 grand for their kids' plastic surgery when they turn 16, new boobs for Taylor and new calf implants for Todd and a new nose for Jenny because hey, all her friends are doing it and what's the big deal and so why not anesthetize her and slice into that young flesh and reshape her face to look more like Jamie Lynn Spears? Neat!
And then the story ends when these girls — and by the way it's almost always the girls; rare indeed is the trend piece focusing on how boys get, say, all sorts of horrific messages about machismo and violence and the need for accomplishment, and isn't that a little weird and telling? Oh well — the girls finally turn 18 and head off to college and get a bad sacrum tattoo and appear on "Girls Gone Wild" and then, well, they disappear into the cultural maelstrom, only to reappear 10 years later as that exact same shallow, awful mom who drags her miserable 8-year-old to the salon for her first Brazilian. And lo, the circle of life continues.
Next up: a big trend piece about how all alarmist trend pieces that have anything to do with teenagers, pubic hair, the early sexualization of kids, thong underwear and the tragic death of innocence in modern America all point to a larger trend of how we as a culture are just way, way too obsessed with trend pieces that obsess about the style and sexuality of trendy teens. Watch for it.
Mark Morford's latest book is 'The Daring Spectacle: Adventures in Deviant Journalism'. Join Mark on Facebook and Twitter, or email him. His website is markmorford.com. For his yoga classes, workshops and retreats, click markmorfordyoga.com.
Mark's column appears every Wednesday on SFGate, and is frequently cross-posted to Huffington Post. To join the notification list for this column, click here and remove one article of clothing. To get on Mark's personal mailing list, click here and remove three more.
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