Cheating Kink
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Cheating Kink
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1 You’re Just Not Cut Out For Monogamy
3 You’re Unhappy In Your Relationship
6 You And Your Partner Are Sexually Incompatible
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If you’ve ever caught yourself wondering "Why do I cheat?" , you're not the only one. Cheaters' motives aren't always obvious even to themselves. Often, they reflect deeply rooted emotions and beliefs about ourselves, our partners, and our relationships.
A YouGov poll found that around one in five Americans have cheated at some point, so if you’ve cheated, you’re far from alone. There could be a thousand reasons behind this, and only you can really know why, but one thing we can probably say is that it’s not purely physical. “People often think the main reason people cheat are related to sexual needs,” relationship coach Laney Zukerman tells Bustle. “Though sex may play a role, the majority of affairs often start out as emotional affairs due to an addiction to attention and a proneness to boredom in any long term relationship they are in.”
Once you’ve cheated, the first step to move forward is to figure out whether or not to tell your partner. That’ll depend on the situation, but generally, experts say you should keep it to yourself if you don’t plan to repeat it and don’t believe they’ll find out. The next step will mostly likely be to either end your relationship or work on repairing it . Either way, understanding why you’ve cheated is a good start. So, here are some possible underlying causes of infidelity.
For those who bore easily, seek thrills, and crave sexual or romantic variety, staying faithful is like adhering to a highly restrictive diet, Kevin Darné , relationship expert and author of My Cat Won't Bark! (A Relationship Epiphany) , tells Bustle. If you’ve cheated in every long-term relationship you’ve been in, chances are you’re just not cut out for monogamy . Better to admit this to yourself than habitually enter relationships where you feel stifled.
Another type of cheater is one Darné calls the “unbelievable opportunity cheater.” You might have a fear of missing out on once-in-a-lifetime opportunities, like sex with someone very good looking, and you cheat so that you’re not always left wondering what you could’ve gotten out of the experience.
Some people turn to others to meet emotional or physical needs that their partners aren’t meeting. “After asking for what they want and not getting it several times, a stranger or whomever comes along, puts a smile on their face and in their heart,” says Darné. “Suddenly, they're feeling good about themselves again, and they desire to spend more time with the one who makes them feel good than the one who does not.”
You might subconsciously feel like cheating won’t make much of a difference, since you’re going to break up soon anyway, Paul DePompo, Psy.D., psychologist and author of The Other Woman’s Affair , tells Bustle. Or, you might be cheating as a way to provoke your partner to end the relationship because you’re too scared to do it yourself.
Knowing we can attract not just one but two or more partners can be an ego boost. So, some people cheat out of a need for validation, says DePompo. This may come from insecurity. “Often, cheaters feel invaluable or insignificant in their relationship or life in general,” therapist Kimberly Hershenson, LMSW tells Bustle. “Cheating gives their ego a boost when they don't have healthier coping skills to deal with their issues.”
If you have a higher sex drive than your partner or a kink they’re not into, you might turn to cheating to get these desires fulfilled. But motives for cheating in this situation go deeper than just physical desires. You may be “doubting yourself and fearing the loss of your sexuality,” says DePompo. “You cheat to regain your sexual identity.”
When we first fall in love, our brains flood with feel-good chemicals, certified counselor and relationship coach Jonathan Bennett tells Bustle. After that stage fades, we may crave the way we felt in the beginning and seek it by creating a new beginning with someone else.
Some people just like to break the rules in general. It may even give you an ego boost to feel like you can get away with things others can’t. “The challenge of not getting caught and the appeal of forbidden romance can be very enticing to adrenaline junkies,” says Bennett.
Sometimes, even if we’re not habitual cheaters, a superlative connection comes along and tests our morals, says Bennett. Then, we have to decide: If this person’s worth cheating on our partners for, is it worth leaving them for?
Cheating doesn’t make you a bad person, but it could indicate that something’s wrong in your relationship or life. So, if you can confront it, you’ll probably come out the better for it.
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Zachary Zane is a Brooklyn-based writer, speaker, and activist whose work focuses on lifestyle, sexuality, culture, and entertainment.
Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D.
Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D.
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BDSM, age play, furries, and cuckolding... just to name a few.
So you like it when your partner spreads your limbs, ties you to the bedposts , and talks dirty to you. In case you were wondering, you're not alone: People are pretty kinky, according to the latest sex research.
There are lots of different kinks out there, and it can be tough to measure how common they are. But a 2017 study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that nearly 50% of the general population has tried some form of BDSM in their lives. ( Bondage, Dominance, Sadism, and Masochism is hardly the kinkiest kink out there, but it's among the most common.)
While there isn't a general consensus on how often people engage in kinky activity , there is one for how often people fantasize about kinks. A lot of the fantasy research comes from Justin Lehmiller, PhD, a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute. For his book, Tell Me What You Want (now available in paperback) , he surveyed 4,175 Americans aged 18-87 about their sexual fantasies, and found out exactly which kinks people are dreaming about the most.
Just because you fantasize about a certain kink, it doesn't mean you actually want to act on it, Lehmiller notes. “If a fantasy is non-consensual or poses an unacceptable risk of harm, it shouldn’t ever be acted on,” he explains. “Keep in mind that fantasy and reality are two different things, and some fantasies are best left as fantasies.”
Below, in his own words, Lehmiller spells out the most common kinks and fetishes he came across in his research.
Bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, and sadism/masochism (BDSM) is the most fantasized about kink. I found that 93% of men and 96% of women had fantasized about some aspect of BDSM before. BDSM obviously reflects a wide spectrum of behaviors, from mild to wild, and most people are at the more mild end, with fantasies about taking on dominant or submissive roles, tying up a partner or being tied up, and engaging in light sadomasochism (think spanking and biting) being the most common.
People are drawn to BDSM for multiple reasons. For some, it’s simply an escape from the confines of traditional gender roles. For others, it’s about an escape from self-awareness or exploring other sides of the self. For yet others, it’s about the appeal of the taboo, trying something new, or a craving for intense stimulation.
Fetish fantasies involve a focus on specific objects (like boots or stockings) or non-genital body parts (like feet or armpits). I found that 45% of my participants reported having had a fetish fantasy before, with men reporting more such fantasies than women.
The single most common fetish fantasy involved feet, with about 1 in 7 adults saying they’d had a fantasy before in which feet or toes played a significant role.
Psychologists believe that most fetishes are learned—through experience, we start to develop associations between certain objects/body parts and sexual arousal. However, there can also be a taboo element to them, as well as an overlap with BDSM, such as when someone fantasizes about another person stepping or walking all over them.
Many people reported fantasies in which specific body fluids played a big role. Unsurprisingly, male and female ejaculate were the most common, with a majority of men and women having fantasized about them before. However, other body fluids appeared with some frequency, too.
For example, 45% of men and 35% of women had fantasies involving spit, 31% of men and 14% of women had fantasies involving breast milk, 32% of men and 15% of women had fantasies involving urine, and 6% of men and 2% of women had fantasies involving feces.
In many of the fantasies involving body fluids, they were used in an act of dominance/submission, so that seems to be a big part of the appeal here.
Fantasies about watching someone else undress or have sex are very common. In fact, 60% of my participants reported having fantasized about this before, although men had more voyeurism fantasies than did women.
Voyeurism is appealing to many because we are very visual creatures when it comes to sex—it’s sort of like watching real-life porn. However, voyeurism fantasies often involve sneaking around, too, so part of the appeal might be the thrill of doing something you’re not supposed to.
A lot of people fantasize about putting on a show. Specifically, 42% of my participants reported having a fantasy about publicly exposing themselves or having sex in front of an audience. I distinguished between consensual and non-consensual exhibitionism in my survey, and the 42% figure refers to cases where there is a consenting audience.
About 10% of my participants had fantasized about the non-consensual form, such as when they flash a stranger or masturbate in public.
Consensual exhibitionism fantasies are likely driven by a few things—amping up the excitement by having spectators and knowing that other people find you attractive or sexy.
Non-consensual exhibitionism is a totally different thing—that’s often driven by a desire to shock or offend someone else.
Some of my participants fantasized about taking on different roles and ages. For example, 11% had fantasized about dressing up and/or acting as a child.
I found a lot of overlap between these fantasies and BDSM because they often involved themes of dominance/submission and/or humiliation, so these fantasies are often just a variant of deeper BDSM interests.
About 9% of my participants said they had fantasized about dressing up as an animal to have sex.
Furry fantasies were related to a broader tendency to change oneself in one’s sexual fantasies, which suggests that they might often be about psychological escape. Many of us become different people—and sometimes different creatures—in our fantasies because it provides an escape from self-awareness, allowing you to focus more on sex rather than yourself.
However, furry fantasies might also be appealing for some as a form of novelty and adventure.
A lot of cisgender people use their fantasies as a way of exploring their gender role and/or expression. For example, I found that about 1 in 4 cis persons had fantasized about cross-dressing, while about 1 in 3 had fantasized about trading bodies with someone of another sex.
These fantasies are sometimes about a desire to break free of traditional gender roles or to explore the self; however, there was also a lot of overlap with BDSM. For example, several men reported what they described as “forced feminization” fantasies, in which a partner “forces” them to dress as a woman.
Fantasies about watching your partner have sex with someone else are very common, especially among men. In fact, I found that 58% of men and 33% of women had fantasized about this before.
Cuckolding fantasies can be appealing for a number of reasons. For some, it’s about self-enhancement—knowing that other people find their partner to be hot actually boosts their self-esteem. For others, it’s about wanting to see their partner sexually satisfied—they take pleasure in their partner’s pleasure. And for yet others, there’s a BDSM element—in many of these fantasies, the watcher is taking on a submissive role and is sometimes humiliated in the process.
It turns out that a lot of people are into the idea of incorporating food with sex . About 40% of my participants had fantasized about this before.
Most commonly, this included things like ice cubes, strawberries, and whipped cream.
The appeal of mixing food and sex is partly about novelty, or the desire to try new and different things. But it’s also about adding new sensations, tastes, and textures.
However, there is sometimes also a fetishistic element to the use of food, and sometimes a BDSM element—foods are sometimes used in a dominant/submissive or humiliating way.
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