Chastity School

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Chastity is always an import topic for youth groups. We want teens to respect their bodies and each other. Yet our record is abysmal.
As I look at the myriad of ways I’ve seen it taught, been taught as a teen, heard of others teaching it or even taught it myself, I keep coming across 4 ways of teaching it that fail to do the good a proper lesson could. Maybe if we cleared these up, our record would improve.
Chastity is saying “no” to certain things but it’s so much more.
When I was in High School, I remember we had a one day course at a convent downtown on chastity. The key lesson was to have your line and respect others.
That might be good. Going beyond your partner’s line obviously lacks respect for him or her. However, is that the only way you can disrespect them? Even the very fact that you are pushing towards a line is disrespectful; it says they are something to be enjoyed up to a certain point rather than a person to be respected.
As I was searching for a picture to accompany this post, I came across an anti-Christian post that shows how ridiculous this idea is. (I will not share anti-Christian stuff.) It had a guy and a girl then had green lines between almost all the body parts meaning perfectly fine then 2 red lines meaning “You’re going to hell!” between certain body parts.
Chastity is a direction not a line. Chastity is about respect for others: those present and those not such as parents or future spouses.
Anywhere chastity is not easy. Our current society makes it harder it two ways. Obviously the first is the over-sexualisation or pornification of popular culture. The second is a little less obvious: young people are much older before they can get married and support a family. This creates a longer period after the hormones are going while we still aren’t ready for marriage.
Whenever we teach chastity, we need to teach practical ideas to help teens through the difficulties. I’ve had quite a few teen boys come up to me one-on-one worried about attractive women on the magazine covers in the checkout line. Nobody every taught them how to deal with this.
3. We can teach chastity without parents’ help
In that day-course I took in high school that I mentioned above, one lesson stands out even today. Several placards were placed around the room: holding hands, kissing… all the way to sex. We were asked to stand where we thought our parents thought most teens were; then we were told to move to where we thought (or wanted to admit we thought) most teens were. I moved from sex (the stats prove that most lose their virginity before finishing high school) to something a little lower. Only about 3 of 100 students moved in the direction I did. We 3 who lived chastity felt put out of place. However, the most dangerous part of this lesson was divide teens from their parents.
We can take it away from the parents like that; so often parents drop it on us. They say “I don’t have the foggiest idea how to teach Sally chastity but I trust you can do it all” but in a more round-about, polite manner. Or even worse: dad brags to his sons about his teenage “exploits” while mom and us suggest they don’t have “exploits.”
If you don’t get the parents involved it’s almost impossible. In fact, the Conquest and Challenge programs I’ve worked with don’t touch it directly but leave chastity education in the parents’ hands (they do offer a parental guidebook).
Here’s an idea of how purity can be positive
Most of us have heard one of those talks: look at all those these STDs you don’t want to get; protection is not 100% effective; you aren’t ready to be a parent; sex could ruin your future. If this is the only reason to be chaste, what a pity.
John Paul II said in Theology of the body: Chastity “reveals itself as a singular ability to perceive, love, and realize those meanings of the ‘language of the body’ that remain completely unknown to concupiscence itself and progressively enrich the spousal dialogue by purifying, deepening, and at the same time simplifying it.” That is a positive view. He speaks of our bodies as a gift to the other but he states, “Only when a person is liberated from lust and is in possession of his own sexual subjectivity can he be a gift for others.”
Sexual intimacy – from kissing to sex – is speaking with the body. The sexual act is the culmination of a loving relationship, not a pure mechanical act. In effect, the marital act says “I love you so much that I need more to love since you alone are cannot contain all the love I have for you.” It is one of the deepest interpersonal relationships available on earth. This is one reason why marriage is sometimes called the primordial sacrament. Other acts of intimacy are also forms of deep interpersonal relationships. Even by romantic kissing and hugging, the two enter a kind of intimacy and communion of love.
The witness of those of us who have consecrated our lives to God in chastity is important for all teens to show them positive chastity.
You can teach chastity to teens. But teach them with parents’ help that it’s a direction, it’s hard, and it’s a positive choice. Teach them that it’s about respecting other. In fact it’s such a positive choice that Jesus himself made it.
Note: Please subscribe to my new YouTube channel called 3o-Second Homilies which will post exactly what the name says (I’ll try to do it daily).
Teens need to experience Christ. I am a Catholic religious priest with the Legion of Christ who tries to help them do that. Part of doing that is running this blog. Currently I'm stationed in the DC Metro area preparing material for RCSpirituality.org (Regnum Christi Spirituality Center), studying an advanced Theology degree, and helping youth ministry freelance.
Teens need to experience Christ. I am a Catholic religious priest with the Legion of Christ who tries to help them do that. Part of doing that is running this blog. Currently I'm stationed in the DC Metro area preparing material for RCSpirituality.org (Regnum Christi Spirituality Center), studying an advanced Theology degree, and helping youth ministry freelance.
Mike on September 9, 2014 at 3:59 pm
Excellent! And that’s so cool you are in Calgary Father, my wife and I just moved here a little over a month ago after getting married in March!
Matthew P. Schneider, LC on October 7, 2014 at 11:35 am
mad2002mad on September 28, 2014 at 1:28 pm
Oh, great, this guy is with the Legion of Christ??? What a wonderful example. Once again, same old Catholic guilt the nuns taught us in the 60’s. We need to recognize that sex isn’t bad and the body isn’t immoral. We are homo sapiens and reproduce sexually. Excessive repression by the Church has caused much misery. As part of the generation that came of age during the sexual revolution, I have a much healthier attitude than today’s neo-prudes. What we need is more openness and exchange of information, not propaganda.
Matthew P. Schneider, LC on September 28, 2014 at 2:17 pm
Did you read #4? From your comments, that error seems to be present in how you think about it.
Kayla Sol on August 16, 2015 at 12:29 am
You are right about sex not being bad or immoral. Chastity simply means we save sexual relationships for marriage where they can be fully expressed and cherished. Sex is a wonderful way God gave us to show love for our spouse and create children. It is a gift and should be treated with respect. It’s not about hiding it or feeling guilty, it’s about being free to fully experience love in its deepest truest form in marriage.
Joy Godwin on March 16, 2018 at 4:45 pm
I am not a member of the Catholic church, but I have a lot of respect for what they teach about chastity. I am a wife of 30 years, a mother of 5, and a grandmother of 2. I’m also a teacher, and currently a student of marriage and family relations. With all this education and personal experience I can attest to what Fr Schneider is saying. God didn’t create sexual organs to gratify our “homo sapiens instincts”, as you seem to imply. He created sex for 2 primary reasons: To supply His spirit children with bodies (procreation), and to build intimacy in the relationship of the parents.
I believe that charity is the pure love of Christ, and chastity is the pure love of spouse. There is nothing on earth that brings greater joy than happy family relationships, and being sexually faithful to your spouse is one of the foundations of happy families.
That’s the religious side, but what about social science? I recently read another set of statistics that reinforce what family therapists have known for years; the people who are enjoying the most frequent, and most satisfying sex are middle aged, highly religious, married couples. The belief that single people, “sewing wild oats”, are enjoying the best sex is a myth.
The sexual revolution hasn’t given our society a healthier attitude about sex. Look around you. Since the sixties the number of children born to single mothers has increased to the point that nearly half of all births are out-of-wedlock, and the increased rate of sexually transmitted diseases is alarming. More children living in poverty, more people suffering from disease and depression. More broken homes, more abuse, more suicide. That’s not a revolution I want to be a part of. I’ll keep my loving marriage, my happy family, and my sexual satisfaction, thank you very much!
HelenWip on January 15, 2017 at 11:12 am
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Sacro Monte di Varallo, Piedmont, Italy, biblical scene representation of
Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
To all the faithful, religious, deacons and priests:
The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with all of you.
[1] In Homer’s epic poem the Odyssey, the hero Ulysses on his way home from the Trojan War has to pass by a lovely island where the Sirens dwell. These beautiful sea-nymphs were known to lure sailors to their death by their sweet music. To avoid hearing their bewitching song, Ulysses orders his sailors to fill their ears with beeswax. With this ruse, his men successfully escape the fatal danger of the Sirens’ seductive song.

[2] Like the Sirens’ song of ancient mythology, modern advertisers lure their audiences with the seductive appeal of sex. Companies in business to sell everything from clothes and cars to food and beauty products have adopted the strategy of programming sexual imagery into their commercials. In fact, seductive images and appealing promises of pleasure pervade one out of every three commercials aired on television. Advertisers understand that sex sells.

[3] According to a recent study by the Parents Television Council, television programming spotlights more promiscuity and adultery than marital fidelity during primetime broadcasting. A staggering 70 percent of TV shows that target teenagers have sexual content. Films, magazines, billboards and TV routinely use sexually graphic language, nudity and sexual activity. As a result, the authentic understanding of human sexuality is being undermined.

[4] In the 1950s, sitcoms like Father Knows Best, I Love Lucy and The Honeymooners gave America a chaste image of the reality of sex. These programs showcased the traditional family of husband and wife and mother and father with their biological children. Today’s TV sitcoms portray divorce, infidelity, homosexuality, promiscuity, pregnancy out of wedlock and abortion with a regularity that is reshaping the American understanding of sexuality itself.

[5] We reap today the harvest of ideas sown in the 18th century. On its ruthless gallows, the French Revolution guillotined the Christian concept of the human person as created by God and ultimately responsible to him. With the Enlightenment that followed, reason alone became the guiding light; and, man, as the Greek philosopher Protagoras once taught, was now “the measure of all things.” With the rejection of divine revelation as a source of knowledge came the demise of absolute moral values and the reign of relativism. As a result of these philosophical changes, human sexuality has become merely a social construct that can be changed at will with no reference to the design of the Creator. (cf. Gabriele Kuby, “How a rolling sexual revolution is crushing freedom,” July 8, 2016).

[6] Our secular culture rejects human sexuality as a gift given by God to be enjoyed according to his plan. It denies the very distinction between man and woman. Society says that every individual can be whatever he or she chooses to be. As sex is divorced from God’s design of responsible love at the service of fatherhood and motherhood, more children are born out of wedlock; cohabitation, promiscuity and infidelity are becoming commonplace; and, healthy families are more and more rare (cf. the Pontifical Council for the Family, “The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality,” no. 6).

[7] The sexual revolution that began in the 1960s has changed people’s attitudes about human sexuality. It has led to man-made laws that contradict the natural law inscribed in creation itself. It has trampled objective morality underfoot. It has lessened the restraints on sexual behavior. It has confused the license to indulge in sexual intimacy with the freedom to love another person.

[8] In such an environment, every follower of Jesus is called to witness to the true meaning of human sexuality by embracing the virtue of chastity. Abstinence from sexual activity is not in itself chastity. It is merely “the lamp without the oil” (St. Bonaventure). Chastity is love in action. A chaste love in accord with the Creator’s design leads to personal freedom. A chaste love builds up a healthy environment for families to thrive. Chastity for the married and unmarried is the way of authentic love.

[9] Sadly, some individuals do not see chastity as something good or attainable. Rather, they portray chastity as harmful to the psychological and emotional well-being of the individual. They argue that sexual desires are so essential a part of human nature that denying them is unnatural. For these individuals, chastity is a repressive attitude that limits one’s development. As C. S. Lewis once remarked, “Chastity is the most unpopular of the Christian virtues.” But, not so for those who faithfully follow the teaching of Jesus!

[10] God has imprinted the fundamental capacity to love on our very bodies. Creating us either male or female, God has inscribed a nuptial meaning on human sexuality, leading man and woman to find fulfillment in the gift of self to the other. Truly, “it is not good that man should be alone” (Gn 2:18). Man and woman realize their full potential by loving each other.

[11] Sexuality, therefore, is not something purely biological. It touches the intimate nucleus of the person (cf. Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2332). Sexuality affects all aspects of the human person. It concerns affectivity, the capacity to love and the ability to form bonds of communion with others. By fashioning us in his own image, God who is love gives every individual the fundamental vocation to enter into communion with others by loving them (cf. 1 Jn 4:8).

[12] In God, love is the total and complete self-giving of each person of the Blessed Trinity to the other. So, too, for each of us. Love is the gift of self to another. But, no individual can truly give himself or herself to another if that person has not achieved a possession of self. One cannot give away what one does not possess. An individual who has not mastered his or her passions remains dominated by them and is not in full control of self. In such a case, the individual lacks the self-giving necessary for love. (cf. Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2338-2339; 2346)

[13] This side of the Garden of Eden, self-mastery means a daily struggle. Our human nature suffers the results of Adam and Eve’s rejection of God’s plan for our happiness. In committing original sin, our first parents rejected their dependence on God. They cast off the moral norms that God had established for the authentic use of freedom. Their sin not only shattered the harmony of creation but also destroyed “the control of the soul’s spiritual faculties over the body” (cf. ibid, 400).

[14] As a result of original sin, there is a tension between our body and soul. “Each of us is like a charioteer who must control two steeds: one material, instinctive, unruly, and seeking only its own low pleasures; the other spiritual, brimming with nobility, honor, and courage. The charioteer’s identity survives death, for it is spiritual, the rational principle, the soul. But the steed that is his body must perish” (Thomas Cahill, Heretics and Heroes, pg. 5).

[15] The apostle St. Paul speaks about this struggle as the rebellion of the “flesh” against the “spirit” (cf. Gal 5:16-24; Eph 2:3). We experience this rebellion as concupiscence, that is, the strong desire or tendency to satisfy our sensual appetites without regard to God’s plan. The waters of baptism wash away original sin. But, the effects of original sin remain.

[16] Because of concupiscence, we are inclined to indulge our desires rather than to control them. It is easier to satisfy our hunger and thirst than to fast. It is easier to lose our patience than to remain calm. It is immediately more gratifying for the moment to indulge our sexual appetites than to control them.

[17] Human sexuality cannot be separated from God’s design for love. It is a gift given by God to unite a man and a woman in a faithful, exclusive and mutual love lived within the commitment of marriage open to life. Even when there is some affection and love
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