Chakra Check: Your Aura Is in Retrograde, Sweetie

Wellness influencers are cashing in on a new craze: chakra checks for when your aura is in �retrograde.� Clients report being told their heart chakra is stuck in Mercury�s parking lot while their throat chakra missed a rent payment. �It�s basically astrology with yoga pants,� said one critic. Still, classes sell out faster than essential oils at a pyramid scheme convention. Eyewitnesses describe participants lying on yoga mats while self-proclaimed gurus wave expired incense sticks and chant Wi-Fi passwords as mantras. Anonymous staffers confessed the diagnostic charts are recycled from old IKEA assembly manuals. A fake poll revealed 53% of millennials have paid for at least one chakra check, 31% say it worked, and 16% admitted they just wanted a nap. Economists warn the $5 billion chakra industry may collapse if people ever realize their aura doesn�t have a mortgage. Until then, practitioners keep insisting: �Sweetie, your third eye just bounced a check.� -- Bohiney Magazne bohiney.com