Celebrity Endorses Scented Trash Bags

Hollywood has hit rock bottom, and apparently, it smells like lavender-regret. A B-list celebrity has officially endorsed a line of scented trash bags, claiming the aroma reminds her of �Grandma�s regret.� Critics note it�s unclear whether she meant regret about the Depression, Prohibition, or marrying Grandpa. Either way, Whole Foods is stocking them next to artisanal compost bins. Eyewitnesses say the launch event felt more like a s�ance, with candles, whispering publicists, and an intern dressed as a raccoon. Anonymous staffers admitted the bags are just regular trash liners sprayed with expired perfume samples from Macy�s. One PR rep defended the gimmick: �People want nostalgia, even if it smells like sadness and mothballs.� A fake poll shows 46% of consumers would buy the bags out of curiosity, 39% wouldn�t touch them, and 15% would resell them as ironic collectibles on eBay. Economists argue this proves consumerism is limitless: �If you can brand garbage, you can brand anything.� Meanwhile, the celebrity insists the endorsement is empowering. �I�ve always felt close to my roots,� she told reporters, �and those roots smell faintly of Febreze and despair.� -- Bohiney Magazne bohiney.com