Caught My Son Crossdressing

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Caught My Son Crossdressing
Came home. Son is dressed in sisters clothes.
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Comment deleted by user · 7 yr. ago
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When I came in, I saw what I thought was my 15 yr old daughter on the couch watching TV, but was shocked, or more if that's possible, when "she" stood up and I immediately recognized that it was my 17 yr old son. He was wearing his sisters dress and a stuffed bra and I'm pretty sure a wig.
I didn't know what to say, and I didn't say anything. He ran to his room and I could tell he was crying.
I waited a few minutes and knocked on his door asking if we could talk. He said yes so I went in. He was in boy clothes sitting on his bed.
I didn't even know how to start, so I just asked what was going on. He said that he liked to wear girls clothes sometimes and he was sorry.
Now, we're pretty liberal patents, and I always figured if either of my kids was gay or whatever I could handle it easy. Ah, if only I had contemplated this.
Anyway, we talked for a little while and he told me the whole thing. He's been wearing his sisters clothes, and his mom's clothes for years. He doesn't think he's gay and he doesn't think he wants a sex change. He feels embarrassed and ashamed.
So now I'm in the parking lot at work, getting ready to go in for the night. All I'll be doing is thinking about how to handle this. I just want my kids to be happy. I've got a couple things I want to cover with him.
I don't think I care. I might be uncomfortable, but I can deal with that. my biggest concern is what we'll happen to him if other people find out. His friends or worse, his enemies at school.
So. What do I do now. How do I show him its fine but also to be aware of who he tells.
What can I do to help him, and what do I tell my wife and when. I can't keep a secret like this from her. I mean, I want to respect him. But this isn't something I wouldn't tell my wife, his mother, about.
Looking for advice, criticism and other comments. Help a father out.
Edit: sorry for typos. I'm on my phone.
Edit: I got home last night and talked with my wife. She strongly suspected he'd been wearing their clothes, just from little clues I guess. She thought it might just be a curiosity on his part, and maybe it is, maybe it isn't.
So, we'll talk with him today. While I support him, I don't know if he should tell his sister, but I'll leave it up to him. We'll give him options to talk with us, a therapist if he wants to, or whatever. He will have the option to wear whatever clothes he wants at home, but I'm gong to caution him about wearing girls clothes anywhere else. 
He will also need to stop wearng his sisters clothes. So as a part of that, if he wants, my wife will get him some clothes or he can choose to order some online.
Anyway, if people are interested, I'll post follow ups. I don't want to litter your sub though.
I appreciate the comments. We do love him very much. He's a very smart, successful kid and will be going to a great college next year. If this is the biggest challenge we have to face with him, I'll be getting off easy.
First of all, good job. Even though you didn't know exactly what to do in that situation (who would?) you at least treated your son with compassion and understanding.
Secondly, just take a second and appreciate that what your son is doing is completely innocent and doesn't hurt anyone. Of all the hypothetical things that you could've walked in on your teenager doing, I'd say you got lucky.
Of course you should tell your wife, but present it positively, almost like its good news. Because in a way, it is good news. Your son is the same person he was before you walked in on him. For some time, your son has been carrying immense guilt and shame for urges he didn't ask to have. He was dealing with this alone and in secret, and it was likely tearing him up inside. This burden has lead many young people to depression and suicide. Now you know his deepest secret, so that's such a relief to him! Just having his family know and accept him for who he is huge, in a great way.
As far as your son's crossdressing goes, that's something he's going to have to explore in his own way. Maybe he's satisfied (like the majority of crossdressers) by just expressing his femininity a few hours at a time. Maybe one day he'll realize that being female 24/7 feels right to him, and he'll transition. That's something that he's going to have to discover himself. There's no advice you can give to lead him one way or the other. Bullying could happen, and he may loose some friends if they find out, but who would want those people as friends anyway? He'll make great friends in his twenties. Just be supportive and open minded. Encourage him to tell his sister about it. She could help him get his own clothes and makeup, because while sharing clothes is cool, using other people's things is without permission is not ideal.
Also, in the meantime, if you want, do some research into the differences in gender expression and identity. You'll see that beauty and love comes in many different forms.
I let my wife know we need to talk a little bit when I get home. I'm called in a friend and will be heading home in a bit.
I've been looking at crossdressing stuff and, tbh, there isn't much out there in the way of scholarly articles, but there is a LOT from other guys who crossdress.
So, next up is telling the wife and then I really think we need to sit down and talk with him together. I do want him to feel comfortable, and I do want him happy, but I also want him to be able to talk with us and be open. Ive always felt that we should talk and be open.
Jesus, this is weird, but whatever. We'll make it work If this is the biggest challenge I face raising kids, I'll be happy.
Thanks Sadie for the comments. I how to respond to everyone when I've figured this shit out and talked to him more.
Seems like you're playing things well so far.
For contrast: I grew up in a conservative, religious family. When I was your son's age, I was closeted to the point of denial (I told myself I was addicted, it was a bad habit I could break) and it tore me up inside because I felt I had no one to go to. I ended up acting out because of the frustration, did stupid, dangerous things trying to prove my masculinity, and in my shame resorted to shoplifting clothes to satisfy my urges. I only ever felt fully like myself behind closed doors and so withdrew from social life all the way through college. Coming to terms with my identity as a "gender non-confirming" person was a slow and painful process I had to navigate on my own and self-acceptance is still something I struggle with as I exit my 20s.
All this to say... maybe you've pulled the band-aid off in one go here. Once you get past the awkwardness ("discovered by Dad" is the ultimate crossdresser's nightmare) you have an opportunity to really point your son in a positive direction and save him some hard times further down the road. There's no roadmap for this, but as others have said, support is key - knowing you and his mom have his back will mean the world to him. And if it's anything like being out to an S/O, it will be an ongoing conversation - don't expect everything to get ironed out in the first shot. You'll figure out what works for your household and what your son needs as you go.
As for discretion, I'd wager he probably doesn't want to tell anyone in his social circle if he hasn't already. But you may want to advise him about online privacy / safety the same way you would your daughter - boys typically don't have to be cognizant of avoiding being preyed on the way girls do, so a fresh warning about what he talks to strangers about online might not be a bad idea.
My name is Sadie and I am a 19 year old crossdresser, so I can relate to alot of what your son is going through.
The fact that you posted this here shows that you care a lot about your son and that you are open-minded parent. My parents (especially my macho and transphobic father) would have not approved.
I think you should tell your wife, especially if she is open minded. And I think it would be beneficial to talk to your son about it, although don't push it if he doesn't want to discuss it. Conversations like this will be awkward but they need to be had sometimes.
Your son probably is not gay. While drag is a part of gay culture, it is not crossdressing. Crossdressing is a part of gender expression. 95% of crossdressers are straight.
If you talk to your son about this, there is some good advice out there. r/teencrossdressing is a good subreddit for people like him. I also think that he should get female clothes and makeup would be good so that he doesn't have to take his sister's. Also, if he has his own room, give him space to crossdress and allow it. If he has a girlfriend, she should know when the relationship gets serious. But also advise your son against taking photos or telling people who he's not close to. Also, acceptance is very important. Most importantly, tell your son that you love him no matter what.
I wish my parents were as understanding and supportive of this as you are of your son.
First, let me say that you are taking this remarkably well and should be proud of the way you're handling it.
He doesn't think he's gay and he doesn't think he wants a sex change.
It's important that you and your son know that sexuality and gender are separate things.
He could just be interested in crossdressing, which is fine, but it could also be that he's transgender and repressing it. He may not even be fully aware of it himself yet, so it might be worth looking into therapy, but only if he's comfortable with doing that.
r/asktransgender is worth a look, just in case.
First off, thank you for not yelling at him or beating him. That doesn't sound like much, but I'm pretty sure that's the reaction I would have gotten had my dad found me. So that's great that you're so supportive. I think it's natural to be a little confused about things.
I wouldn't be surprised if your daughter already knows or suspects. But I think you're right to not tell her about this. And I think it's right for you to tell him to stop using other people's things without asking.
That's so great that you've set boundaries but are still letting him explore this.
That's awesome that you're happy to get him some girls' clothes too. Maybe to make it easier, get a gift card to H&M or something so he shop online for things.
As someone who is now 35 years old, but who was very much where your son was once upon a time, I just have to say thank you, thank you, thank you for having an accepting and supportive, non-judgement attitude. That's so great. I only wish my parents were like that!
And you say you worry about if someone else finds out. That's understandable, but there's a fine line between protecting your son from possible ridicule and forcing him to hide. Accept that he will probably go out at some point. My first times out were to gay bars when I was sixteen. Now, I'm guessing you don't want your son out drinking at sixteen, so it might be good to set some limits on what is acceptable when out, especially making sure that safety is a priority.
I've been in a similar situation, but 20 years ago there were not as many resources to help people (especially parents) understand the situation. Ideally, your family can all be aware and your son can feel comfortable at home.
Let your son know you love him. That is the biggest thing. He needs to feel like he's not some sort of deviant, because he really isn't. Let him know that home is a safe place to express himself, and his secret is safe within the family.
The hardest thing for me was coming out to my parents, and I couldn't imagine the embarrassment of being discovered before I was ready. Finding that they love me unconditionally was one of the greatest experiences of my life, so this could be an incredible bonding opportunity for you both. I hope for the best!
All the comments here are great so far, I just wanted to elaborate on the comments about the difference between gender, gender expression, and sexuality. These are all very different things and none of them are binary. A person can be happy with their biological sex but mentally feel a different gender, or even no gender. Furthermore, these can have no influence on who you are attracted to. It is perfectly normal to be comfortable with a biologically male body, express a female gender (or gender fluid), and still be attracted to women. Human sexuality is messy, but that's OK.
This account is used by two people, a male and female couple. M here. I am in my mid 20s and she is in her early 30s. We have a healthy relationship, we are working down our debts, and we have every normal struggle that a young couple has, from being out of work to dealing with family. I like to crossdress, and she likes that I do it. Some relationships won't work because of it, but don't worry. Someone will come along. Just like for anyone else.
Yeah I got caught at 14 and it didn't go well. Repressed my shit for years, turned 28 realized I'm trans. I wish my mum was as supportive as you seem to be (dad never knew as far as I'm aware). But yeah I don't have much advice cause you seem to be onto it. Anyway GL
One note that I didn't see in the comments ( also just have to say how much your support is going to mean to your son throughout his lifetime) on the subject of therapy. Counseling is a great tool and I definitely think it could be a great asset to your son, just make sure that it is presented to him as an option, not a necessity. Teenagers often make the jump from "therapy" to "they just think I'm nuts", which he clearly is not. Good luck!
I don't really have anything to add that hasn't already been said, but, you sound like parents who want to be supportive and are asking the right questions. Go you!
Please do get him his own girl's clothes! That's the most basic kind of support and the clearest sign you are not angry and that he is not in trouble.



Posted on May 13, 2016
- By
MommyNoire Editor

Comment Disclaimer: Comments that contain profane or derogatory language, video links or exceed 200 words will require approval by a moderator before appearing in the comment section. XOXO-MN

There is no visual more horrifying for me than catching my child in the middle of a sexual act in our home.
My son has a beautiful girlfriend who I adore. They have been dating for a while, and I understand how it is to be a 21-year-old with raging hormones. But the rule in this house is NO SEX AT ALL…and that includes me (unless I’m married). There is another rule: no drugs under this roof. This is the second time I caught my son and his girlfriend in the act. I lost my mind and threatened to throw everyone out for not obeying the rules. I was so upset at the blatant disrespect of his actions that I needed to leave my house and cool off, so I wouldn’t end up doing bodily harm to someone!
Sexual behavior can be animalistic and reckless or done with feelings of love, longevity and respect. I realized that I didn’t have a conversation with my son about which way he views sex and felt a conversation was in order. I am not the “cool mom.” I am not going to put condoms in a jar and allow girls to come “hang out” with him in his room. I am more of the if-you-have-time-to-hang-out-then-you-have-time-for-work-and-school mom. I am not comfortable knowing that my son is having sex in his room. Nope…can’t do it.
I called him into my room the next day to find out why he made this poor decision once again. This is how the conversation went:
“First off, I wanted to apologize for the way I behaved yesterday towards you and your girlfriend. I said many things I meant, but I shouldn’t have said them out loud. As a parent I have to show restraint even in difficult times, because I would want you to think before you speak. Ok?” I said. He looked shocked and slowly shook his head
“Is this a joke? You are apologizing to me because I broke the rules?” he said.
“No I am apologizing for the way I behaved regardless of the situation. I can’t allow you to take me to a place where I am out of control. Speaking of control, are you in love with your girlfriend?”
“I don’t know, I guess so, maybe,” he responded.
“Let me explain something to you about the responsibility of having sex. I understand that you want to get it on and be very physical due to your hormones raging out of control. But most women see sex differently than men. Your girlfriend loves you; she was still googly-eyed yesterday while I was cussing you both out. She traveled over here to see you and displayed every action indicating she is very interested in you. If you are having sex with her without your heart in it, then do her a favor and stop immediately.”
“What do you mean my heart, Mom? What are you talking about?” he said.
“Women take men “IN” we hold you FIRM and try not to let you go. Do you understand that statement? Women are sensitive creatures who, for the most part, have a direct connection between the vagina and their heart. It is your responsibility as a man to spend your time with those you want to really spend your time with. I don’t want you being a man just slinging your thing at every hole that comes your way. It is irresponsible and it hurts women. It hurts us to know that we have let you “IN” yet, you never wanted to be there for more than that moment. Sex should couple emotion and love; it should be done with thought. I hope you are thinking about her heart, or anyone else’s for that matter, before you give them your penis.”
His attitude during the conversation went from laughing nervously to being pensive. Then he said, “I love her, but I didn’t tell her yet.”
“Ok, well, if you love her, treat her with kindness and use thought. Please don’t be a man whore. I will be disappointed if I spent all this time acting like Mother Teresa around you to find out you are an ultimate whore.”
“Mom, OKAY. I understand; I got you. I am not all over the place; it’s not my way, Not everyone can get this.” He said as he walked away
It was the first conversation I had with him about feelings and what to do with them and how to manage them with sex. He is 21. After I spoke to him, I felt like this should have been something I spoke about all along as I do with my daughter. Raising thoughtful young men who are sexually responsible creates men who have a slimmer chance of treating women like a pieces of meat. In a perfect world, he would take that information and be the best boyfriend/husband the world has ever seen, full of compassion and romantic gestures, sweetly in love with his partner. That is what I wish for him.
What do you think about your children having sex in your house? What message are you sending to them while allowing them freedom to express and grow? I would love to know!
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