Caught Looking At Porn
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Caught Looking At Porn
I caught my husband watching pornography – I’m shocked
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We have been married for more than 30 years, and I am deeply upset to learn that there is this hidden side to his character
My husband and I are in our early 60s. We have been married for more than 30 years and are quite happy together, other than having had a range of family issues to deal with. Our sex life has dwindled, but we are still very affectionate.
The other night I went into my husband’s study unexpectedly and he seemed to be looking at pictures of naked women on his computer. I made no comment because there was an urgent matter requiring attention and we hurried away to attend to it. I think he believes that I didn’t see the screen.
I was shocked and wondered if I had imagined it. It seemed so out of character – he is a highly respectable, scholarly person, not inclined to tackiness. I checked his laptop a few days later – mainly to reassure myself that I had imagined it, or that they were paintings or something (he is an art fan). However, the history for that date was deleted, which was suspicious in itself. I located it in the system files and discovered he had been on a range of pornographic sites.
I am deeply, deeply upset by this. I am not prudish – it is not the pornography that I object to, but rather that I am so shocked by discovering this hidden side of his character. Am I overreacting?
It is always shocking when we discover another side to someone’s character, and the closer we are to that person, and the more incongruous the information we find out seems, the more shocking the discovery can be. Your husband would probably be shocked, and then impressed (as am I) at your ability to find deleted files on a computer.
Psychotherapist Laura Payne ( psychotherapy.org.uk ), says: “You’re shocked and unhappy, but there’s also a lot else going on that’s unspoken.”
She also thinks that your use of the word “quite” in describing your relationship as “quite happy” was interesting.
Payne thought this might be typical of a long-term relationship in which “people develop protocols that have never been fully agreed”. She was talking, specifically, about your dwindling sex life. It is not that there is anything right or wrong with it – how often you have sex is up to you and your partner. But it is about whether this was agreed between you and whether you are happy with it. Are you?
Neither is this about judging your husband for viewing pornography, any more than you would be judged for it. Rather, as Payne says: “In the end, this is about trust and communication.”
Payne says you should discuss what you saw with your husband. “If you don’t, it will niggle away and you’ll get angrier, until it comes out later in some way,” she says. She suggests saying something like: “I saw you looking at pictures of naked women. I don’t mind [if you really don’t, but if you do, say so].” Then, bring up your sex life. You could ask your husband if he is happy not having (much) sex any more and tell him how you feel about it (it is a two-way thing). Also, although many couples in their 60s and beyond have active sex lives, some struggle with physical issues that might make sex trickier. This can affect their sense of identity.
Are there other factors in your lives (you mention “a range of family issues”) that meant you haven’t concentrated on – or connected with – each other as a couple for a while?
Payne also wonders whether your husband deleted these images not because he wants to hide things from you per se, but because he feels “ashamed and embarrassed and doesn’t want to hurt you”.
You ask if you are overreacting and the simple answer is no. You are allowed to react. But look carefully at what it is you are really reacting to. Pornography use is an easy target for (some) people to get inflamed about, but it can be a smoke screen, it can be easy to get upset about it, but not look at where the roots of the upset really lie. Talking generally, catching a partner looking at pornography may give that person the moral high ground, but it makes proper analytical discussion difficult if one part of the couple feels defensive.
You have been married for 30 years, you may be married for 30 more. You may need, Payne suggests, to “redefine your relationship”. “Have you and your husband,” she asks, “discussed what it’s like to be a couple in your 60s?”
Perhaps you are both stuck in a rut. Once the shock has subsided, I wonder if this is an opportunity to move things forward – together, positively – in your relationship.
Contact Annalisa Barbieri, The Guardian, Kings Place, 90 York Way, London N1 9GU or emai: annalisa.barbieri@mac.com . Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
Follow Annalisa on Twitter @AnnalisaB
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#12 You had plenty of other choices. One being close the lid.
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Home » Articles » Balance » Addiction » My Wife Caught Me Looking at Porn
Last summer, I was eating my favorite street tacos with a fellow dad. As we talked about the hot sauce and why the tacos were so good, he paused and asked, “Can I talk to you about something?” As I took another bite, he said, “My wife caught me looking at porn.” I quickly realized this lunch would be about something more important than tacos.
My friend’s wife had come home early and walked in on him watching it. “We haven’t had sex in months,” he said, followed by, “But I know I shouldn’t have done it . It had been so long since I’d looked at anything.” When we get caught doing something we shouldn’t be doing, we can get stuck on this fence. We want to make things right on one side and on the other, we want to justify our actions. Here are 3 questions to ask to help men who get caught looking at porn.
We must excavate all areas of your life. How is work, how are the kids, what’s really going on down deep? Most of the time, we can look back and see how our drive, our focus, and our desires all were affected by the circumstances around us, both good and bad. Naturally, when stress or pressure is introduced to a man’s life, we tend to find ways to medicate the problem. If we don’t know how to release stress in a healthy way, we turn to unhealthy things. For some, it’s alcohol or excessive hobbies. For others, it’s porn. So this is the first question we ask because we have to examine what’s really going on.
This one cuts deep. When I ask this question, I can tell if a man is ready for reconciliation or not. If we are honest with ourselves in this question, we all know personally what the answer would be. This question forces us into being honest or continuing to lie to ourselves and those around us. So this question is about finding honesty. If we can’t be honest with ourselves, we are not ready to be honest with anyone else—especially our wives. If she doesn’t ask you this question directly, she is thinking about it. Healing starts with being honest. No more secrets and no more lies.
Not to pour salt on an open wound, but I ask men if they had any protection in place to safeguard themselves from looking at porn . Some have all the filters and apps and yet they still fell short. Others take no precautions because they don’t think porn is a big deal. But this question gets us to consider how to fix the problem, now that we’re admitting it exists. If you know this is a problem for you and you have set up the safeguards, then reconciliation starts with reassessing your current strategies. What exactly failed in your strategy? Start there and then take the steps needed to fix the shortcomings of your plan. If you have no safeguards, we know to start by establishing some new rules in your home and on your devices. This question is meant to help men start thinking through the next steps.
Beyond these three questions, every situation is different and every marriage is different. I have seen this destroy marriages and I have seen, after extremely hard work in reconciliation, this strengthen a bond between husbands and wives. No matter what the situation is, it all starts with looking at what is really going on, being honest with ourselves, and taking action steps moving forward.
Earn some points: Share this related iMOM article with your wife: What to Do if Your Husband Is Watching Porn .
Sound off: What would you say to a friend who got caught looking at porn?
Huddle up with your wife and say, “I don’t know how to do this perfectly, but I love you. I read this article today about porn. Can we talk about it?”
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5 Things to Do If Your Husband Looks at Porn
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There was a time when pornography was not a part of most men’s everyday lives. If a nice guy wanted to look at porn, he had to go into an adult bookstore or quickly ask for a “girlie” magazine in a convenience store when no one was around. Those days are long gone. Now even good men are tempted every day to click their way to pornography. If you think your husband looks at porn, read on.
If your husband is looking at pornography regularly, what should you do? Confront him? Try to catch him in the act? Well, you really shouldn’t do either. That’s the advice given in the new book, Through a Man’s Eyes: Helping Women Understand the Visual Nature of Men by relationship expert Shaunti Feldhahn and her coauthor, Craig Gross.
Shaunti and Craig say that if your husband is hiding his porn habit, that’s actually a positive sign because he knows it’s not right and that it would hurt you. So take a deep breath and read the rest of their great advice. Here are 5 Things to Do If Your Husband Looks at Porn.
Finding out that your husband looks at porn can be devastating to your sense of self-esteem and self-worth. We get that. In fact, you’re probably going through a whole whirlwind of feelings… that’s okay and normal. But the worst thing you can do right now is either lash out in anger or plug your fingers in your ears, clamp down on your heart, and try to ignore the problem. Like it or not, this now must be dealt with for your health, your husband’s health, and the health of your marriage. It’s also the right time to make praying for your husband a priority.
You do not have to suffer through this alone. You are not the only woman suffering through this type of indignity. We hope you will talk through your feelings with a trusted female friend or family member, even seek out a qualified marriage counselor to help you navigate this time until you regain trust and restore your marriage. (Here are some tips for how to find the right marriage counselor .)
I know this is hard, but instead of looking at porn usage as solely a betrayal, see it as a sickness. Your husband is in ill health sexually. If he was physically ill and was in despair over it, would you be angry and confront him, or would you have empathy for him? The same reasoning applies here: If he’s using porn and hates that he does, it will likely help you to at least try to look at your husband not as a betrayer nor as a victim, but as a person who is sick and needs help.
Instead of looking at porn usage as solely a betrayal, see it as a sickness.
Neither. Confrontation or catching him might feel good by giving you the moral high ground, but the question you need to be asking yourself is, Do I want to be personally right or relationally whole? Assuming you want to be relationally whole, you broach the subject as calmly as you can.
You can say something like, “Honey, I’ve found out about something. I know you’ve been looking at porn, and while I’m hurt and angry, I still love you and want to see you in a healthy place sexually. Let’s talk about this.” Likely his eyes will go wide, his face will go deathly pale, and his mouth will suddenly feel stuffed with cotton, but I bet he will feel a tremendous sense of relief that his secret is out. You may need to give him a bit of time before he will be able to talk about it in a meaningful way.
Depending on how far into porn use he has gone, it is possible that the consequences could be serious. It is possible that rebuilding your marriage and the trust essential to it will take a lot of work. But with good help, good information, a lot of good conversations, and good boundaries, your marriage can and will be restored to an even greater place than it’s every been.
Let’s Talk: Does your husband use pornography? How do you handle it?
Shaunti Feldhahn is a bestselling author, popular public speaker, and groundbreaking researcher. This wife and mother now applies her analytical skills to illuminating those important, surprising truths that people really need to understand about each other.
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