Caught Daughter Masturbating
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Caught Daughter Masturbating
This mom's grateful reply after receiving our email response
My 6 year old daughter has been masturbating since she was a baby. Now that she is 6, she rarely has a problem with doing this in public, or around other people. She is doing it privately, and is sometimes conscious about it, but often seems to just do it without even thinking about it.
I don't feel comfortable with sleep overs regardless, but even leaving her home with a babysitter, or a grandparent, I feel like this sort of behavior is something I'd really rather not have happening....both for her sake and whomever happens to walk in on her. I've talked to her in the past about how it does feel good and that that is normal and ok, but that because of these sorts of scenarios, it is probably best to find other ways of self soothing and relaxing before she goes to bed.
I'm just not sure where to go from here and rather than grow out of it, it seems to becoming more and more of a locked in habitual practice. I don't want to give her some sort of complex about her relationship with her body or do something that will negatively effect her sexuality down the road, but I feel like continuing this behavior and having people find her doing this could be damaging and difficult to deal with as well. What should I do?
It certainly can be confusing and concerning when we think about children’s sexual behaviors and how to keep them feeling both safe and confident as they grow. I’m glad you’ve reached out to us.
What's Age-Appropriate As she has been doing this her whole life, please know that it is normal and age-appropriate for young children to touch their genitals and experience pleasure. This includes using objects to rub against. Masturbation is part of a child’s exploration of their body and how it works. And, these behaviors can stick around when a child prefers this method for self-soothing. You’ve noticed a pattern with your daughter, and you’re right that the “locked-in, habitual” aspect of this activity is concerning. There are so many avenues to try when teaching your daughter other ways to calm herself.
Checking-In with Professionals A good next step would be to schedule a visit with your daughter’s pediatrician. Whenever there is a developmental or behavioral concern involving your child it is a good idea to bring them to the doctor. Also, as this behavior can persist in other times of stress, or when there is an underlying physical concern, a doctor’s visit can rule out any medical condition (like a bladder or a urinary irritation).
Expected Behaviors Moving forward, it’s important to know a bit more about expected sexual behaviors and development for this age group. The article, Sexual Development and Behavior in Children (link is external) , from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network talks about some of the common sexual behaviors in childhood for School-Aged Children (ages 7-12) as: “A purposefully touching of private parts (masturbation), usually in private; Wanting more privacy (for example, not wanting to undress in front of other people); being reluctant to talk to adults about sexual issues”. It’s great that in the past you’ve talked to your daughter about how this behavior was totally okay, and as a private activity she needs to do it in her room or the bathroom. For now, start to knock on her bedroom door when she’s in there to see if it’s okay for you to come in. If you open up her door and this is what she’s doing, it’s important to close the door and give her some privacy.
Other Ways to Self-Soothe You’ve mentioned talking to her about finding other ways to calm down when she is tired, and that’s also great. Now, give her some alternative tension releasers. Ideas like counting sheep, reading a book, slowly swaying to soothing music, or even aromatherapy are all easeful pre-bed activities. You could even establish a “calm time” 10 minutes before bedtime where you do one of these soothing activities together. There is no need to talk about these activities as “alternatives” to masturbation with her, though---just frame these as tranquil, healthy ways to prepare for a good night’s rest. For another family’s story of introducing alternative tension release strategies into their child’s routine, see, Masturbation: Six Ways To Manage It (link is external) , from the parenting website Ask Dr. Sears.
Involving Caring Adults in Safety Planning Your concerns about a babysitter walking in on her are valid, and this is why it is essential to have a babysitter with whom you feel comfortable. Explain to the sitter that there a few ways your daughter prepares for sleep and this is one which comes up frequently. Talk about how in your family adults always knock on doors before entering, as this respects privacy and teaches children about appropriate boundaries. And, tell the babysitter to leave the room if this behavior begins while they are in it. If they do notice your daughter engaging in this behavior in a common space make sure they are confident in gently reminding her that this is a “private activity for her bedroom or the bathroom”, and encouraging her to take space or to change her behavior. This kind of conversation can be helpful with her grandparents if they are watching her as well. Making sure all caregivers are in communication with each other, and are able to communicate appropriate messages to your daughter about the value of privacy, is important.
Having clear, easy-to-follow family rules about consent, respect, and body boundaries, as well as privacy, are all a part of what we call Safety Planning . Other safety planning measures you can take could be giving her access to age-appropriate resources so she can learn about her body. You may want to know more about Why Healthy Sexuality Education is an Important Part of a Safety Plan , and how to talk to your daughter about it effectively. And, for further access to information and expertise take a look at our Healthy Sexual Development resource page.
Finally, if after trying these strategies nothing has changed, you may want to seek the advice of a professional. A therapist specializing in child sexual development and behaviors would be best suited to speak with you. They can give feedback around alternate strategies, help you with implementation, and can assist you in deciding whether your daughter may also benefit from an evaluation. A health insurance company, doctor, or local mental health agency are all places to seek an initial referral.
It’s great that you acknowledge how important it is to raise children with a healthy relationship to their bodies and their sexuality. Know that this love and care are key in keeping your daughter safe and healthy.
Thanks you so much for your thoughtful and thorough response, as well as for all of the rsources. We appreciate it so much!
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Ray was sent this video of a man allegedly masturbating while watching two teenage girls washing a car on at Beaumont Hills in Sydney’s north-west around 3.30pm on Tuesday.
If you recognise this man, please contact Crime Stoppers on 1800 333 000.
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9yr old daughter started masturbating?
Yes, totally normal. I personally would just leave it as probing her further may just end up needlessly embarrassing her. It's perfectly normal to explore your own body, why does it bother you? Can I just ask (out of nosiness) how you know she is doing it?
Oh goodness. My daughter is 9 and hadn't given it a thought! I remember my mum walking in on me, on the floor, rubbing myself against a cushion!! It was never mentioned though. X
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My thought exactly Lucy. I don't believe my 9yr old even knows what to do. she is quite a 'nieve' (sp?) 9yr. old, much prefers to play with younger girls that older or same age. I don't think i even thought about it until high school, And I think the OP's feelings about it at this age is about on par with mine.
Oh goodness. My daughter is 9 and hadn't given it a thought! I remember my mum walking in on me, on the floor, rubbing myself against a cushion!! It was never mentioned though. X
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Interesting comments and views. My opinion and experience is that most kids get curious about their bodies but its usually no big deal and they move on quickly.
Bath or shower times with siblings or parents are beneficial and healthy in this regard.
What we adults call and understand as masturbation and how kids understand their touching/feeling/exploration behaviour are often quite different.
The most important thing is to not make a big deal out of it and to deal with it using common sense, understanding and support.
I agree it is very natural for her to explore but totally correct talking to her about it embarrassing.
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Its perfectly natural. My daughter ( now 11) masturbates pretty openly at home
We are pleased that she is not ashamed of her body and its natural functions and can enjoy them!
Much better this way then in hiding.
That is good as long as not too open at home. Like when others are around. But I am sure you told her that
I agree it is very natural for her to explore but totally correct talking to her about it embarrassing.
Yes cause Moms understand daughters and their curiosity down there front and sometimes in back.
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What surprises me most is parents that feel its natural for their son to masturbate but at same time feel is unnatural for their daughters to masturbate. Its natural for both to be curious down there so as same time leads to masturbation. Definitely if you catch daughter playing with herself don't call her on it since it would be very embarrassing and demeaning to her since most very modest.
As mom of daughters prefer that at young age than catching them experimenting with boys at early age
Perfectly normal. I caught my 12 year old, he now locks the door, I told him if he ever wants to talk about anything just to let me know, or to write his question on a piece of paper and I will write a response on his paper and he can dispose of the question and answer or keep it, if it helps. He is pretty shy and easily embarrassed. I monitor the internet to make sure that porn and such isn't an obsession. For boys that a common issue with the internet and obsessing about the new discoveries that come along with puberty... almost would be easier with a girl child, they seem a lot easier to talk to since they are usually more emotionally mature than boys are..
First off though if I had a girl in the same situation, I would have my wife talk to her... so that off the bat would be easier for me lol. Women are better at communicating with little girls since they relate to them and once were one themselves.
Since we have 2 boys I am the one who will be answering all the growing up questions.
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Yes cause Moms understand daughters and their curiosity down there front and sometimes in back.
Makes sense daughters curiosity holes front and back from very young ages
From any age they start young or old doesn't matter to you they are exploring their body and found what felts nice doesn't need to be brought up it's normal and private to them. They are their own person . She may hear you doing it or having sex nobody needs question It. Some things if you know just need leaving it's fine. Until she's having sex then make sure she knows protection and she can talk to you making a big deal over exploring body will only make them never tell you anything. It's not really your business
Daughters more curious about bodies now specially if have older sister or catch mommy naked. Noticing the adult female body
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I hope I don't annoy you by saying that I think it is normal for girls her age to start masturbating. It's around that age that they start to get curious. Some girls (and boys) do it later, but it's a natural urge for her to start to touch herself. I had to ask a friend what to do lol I wanted to do it, I just didn't know how. She's getting the same urge. I'd be surprised if she went all the way at first. She's probably just touching a little bit. How did you find out? I think she'll talk to you. I've only had little girls in the past in my life, but a mother is the one that understands more about all that. I'm sure you'll get to talk to her about it. I'm sure you're a good mum :)
When did you start masturbating? What age do you move onto cushions? It seems a big jump. I imagine girls touch themselves at first, before ending up doing crazier stuff. How old were you?
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I'm worried about my boyfriend's behavior with my daughter.
My boyfriend and I have been together on and off for almost 8 years. I am pregnant with our 2nd child and I have 3 children from a previous relationship. My oldest daughter just turned 15. She has always been a handful, but now that she is more mature, her behavior and attitude towards me is pretty bad and she acts like she hates me and is upset with me for something but won’t talk about it. It has changed, but previously both her and my boyfriend hated each other. For the most part when he would come to visit (we have never lived together), he would completely ignore her presence and acted like she didn't exist. When I asked him why, he said it was because he wanted to avoid any arguing with her as she was very disrespectful and is easily angered. Now things are different. She and him play around and joke a lot together.
Their jokes are often at my expense and sometimes I feel attacked by them. For example, she'll imply that I'm fat and he'll imply that I'm ugly or something like that. One time he was leaving to pick up some fast food and she wanted to go with him. I didn't think anything of it and said yes. They were gone for over an hour and when I called him several times he did not answer his phone and the restaurant is 2 miles from my house. He defended it and said that it took really long to get the food but I do not believe it.
Shortly after this incident, I walked into her room and caught her masturbating, although she denied it. Another day, early in the morning I got out of the shower because I forgot something and when I came into my bedroom, he was not there. I looked around the house, including in my daughter’s room, and didn't see him anywhere. But when I asked him where he was, his answer didn’t make sense - he said he was in the bedroom the whole time and I thought this was a red flag.
Also, he has talked about how he wanted to be with a "young girl" and that I was too old. I was 30 at the time and he was 28. He spoke about how young girls are easier to control and that "they will do anything." This was concerning and I confronted him about it. I asked him if he was a pedophile and he denied it.
If it came down to it, he will never admit anything to me. He doesn't tell me anything and I feel there's so much to him that I don't know. I have confronted him and he denies ever doing anything to her. I asked her as well and she gets annoyed (typical teenager) and doesn't say much. She just says that nothing ever happened.
I’m sorry to hear that you’re having concerns about the sexual safety of your eldest daughter around your boyfriend. Questioning a close adult’s behaviors is not easy, but is a vital step to preventing abuse. I'm so glad you've reached out to us for more information and guidance.
Recognizing Warning Signs When you see something that makes you have that “gut feeling,” it’s so important that you dig a little deeper and not ignore what you’re noticing, as you're doing. Though sometimes it can be difficult to tell whether what you’re seeing is a Warning Signs in Children of Possible Sexual Abuse with older teenagers, check-in with other places where she spends time – like school, other relatives, and with the parents of her close friends. And although masturbation is normal and healthy at this age, it sounds like you have many other reasons that make you wonder what is going on with her.
Your concerns about your boyfriend's behaviors and comments are valid, and you’ll want to take a look at these Behaviors To Watch For When Adults Are With Children and these Signs An Adult Is At-Risk To Harm A Child . And think, do you have other folks that share in your concerns like a friend or relative? You may want to share these tip sheets even. Looking over these warning signs sometimes helps a person put a finger on something they felt before but couldn’t put into words.
Identifying Harmful Patterns I also want to point out the unsafe dynamic you describe – when someone belittles you or calls you names to degrade you or lower your self-esteem – is emotional abuse. That is very worrisome that your boyfriend is now encouraging this same type of behavior in your daughter too. And, it sounds like the way he responded to you (by saying he was in the room the whole time when you couldn't find him) was gaslighting. Though you don’t describe physical violence, emotional abuse is still domestic violence, and you may still want to reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (link is external) ( 1.800.799.7233 ) to talk more about the life you share with your partner.
Having a Conversation It sounds like you’ve had a conversation with your boyfriend, and it’s possible you may wa
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