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Seattle, WA
Washington, DC
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Addiction
Anxiety
ADHD
Asperger's
Autism
Bipolar Disorder
Chronic Pain
Depression
Eating Disorders
Personality
Passive Aggression
Personality
Shyness
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Stopping Smoking
Relationships
Low Sexual Desire
Relationships
Sex
Family Life
Child Development
Parenting
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Trending Topics
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Neuroscience
We all harbor secrets. Some are big and bad; some are small and trivial. Researchers have parsed which truths to tell and which not to.
Posted December 18, 2015
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Reviewed by Davia Sills
There are three very different kinds of casual sex . One is sex with no strings attached, another is friends with benefits, and the third is sex with an ex.
Sex with no strings attached is as casual as casual sex gets. It often involves sex with a total stranger whom you might have only met in the last hour. Or you may have been on each other’s radar for weeks or months before opportunity knocked. It might be a one-night stand, or it may have its own jagged lifeline. The triggers can be many, but alcohol is often involved.
As for friends with benefits, there’s a reason why it starts with the word “friends.” It’s usually with someone you know, and it often happens more than once. There’s plenty of wiggle room when it comes to defining friends with benefits (aka “booty call” or “f*ck buddy”).
Friends with benefits can just be for sex, or it can include hanging out. It can be with an acquaintance who is maybe a Facebook friend, but not someone you’d call when you need a real friend. It can also be with a good friend, which doesn’t always end up as bad as you might think. There are situations where friends have sex and then stay friends after they stop having sex. There’s no way to know how it’s going to turn out ahead of time.
“When I was involved in my hook-up relationship, I would never call him up for a sober booty call. It was always when I was drunk and wanted sex. That is also how I knew there was no emotional attachment because I wasn’t even interested in hanging out with the guy unless I had been drinking. He wasn’t really my type. We didn’t have much in common other than the sex.” —Female, age 23
"I had a friends-with-benefits relationship when I was in high school with a good friend. We never really had “those” kind of feelings, but the sex was just great. I still consider it some of the best I’ve ever had. Guess you might say it’s still going on—sometimes when I am home visiting my folks we just get together for the sex.” —Female, age 24
“He was a football player and wasn’t someone I wanted to be in a relationship with. We didn’t have a lot in common besides the sex. Most people didn’t even know we were hooking up.” —Female, age 22
One problem with friends with benefits is that people who are in them seldom talk about their expectations or feelings. They don’t talk with each other about their relationship, which is still a relationship of sorts, even if it’s not filled with “I love you’s.” This kind of relationship more or less happens without much discussion.
Another form of casual sex is sex with an ex. If you are super horny or drowning in loneliness , you might call an ex for sex. Or maybe you’re both at a place where you realize the best thing about your relationship was the sex, so why not go for it. This might work. At the same time, the potential pitfalls in having sex with an ex are endless.
Are there other kinds of casual sex? Of course. Casual sex can take on as many different forms as there are people who want to have it.
Paul Joannides, Psy.D. is a research psychoanalyst, llama farmer, and author of the Guide To Getting It On . His cheesecake won Best of Division at the Oregon State Fair. Paul has been on the editorial boards of the J ournal of Sexual Medicine and the American Journal of Sexuality Education . He has received the Professional Excellence Award from the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists. Some of his sex-ed videos on YouTube have had millions of views.
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Psychology Today © 2022 Sussex Publishers, LLC
We all harbor secrets. Some are big and bad; some are small and trivial. Researchers have parsed which truths to tell and which not to.
Whether it’s a friends-with-benefits situation or a Tinder date gone right, here’s how to ensure everyone wakes up happy the next morning.
Make like the Boy Scouts and be prepared.
Ask the hard questions after hookup #2
When you are too stressed to even think about sex.
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While it goes against conventional wisdom, I’m a staunch opponent of the idea that sex is always better with someone you love. To me, sex is like basketball: a pleasurable activity you can do with alone or with others, with varying degrees of formality. And pickup basketball can be quite invigorating.
After four years with an exclusive, committed partner, they usually know at least four to six things that you reliably like doing. You’ve likely brought up your kinks and turn offs. You’re unafraid to say “one inch to the left.” But sex with the same person, with whom you currently have a minor standoff going over who’s going to call the landlord about the water spot in the ceiling in the kitchen, can also become rote in a way casual sex cannot.
Casual sex , of course, can suffer from its newness or lack of intimacy on occasion—we all have lackluster one night stand stories. But casual sex offers novelty. In the same way that it’s fun to stay in a hotel, even if you have no desire to live there, there’s something inherently sexy about getting down and dirty with a new person.
Because the delicate bubble of casual sex is very easily burst, here are some guidelines for making casual sex… well, casual.
If you’re in the market for casual hookups, always operate under the assumption that you two will be heading back to your place at the end of the night. Even though you’ll inevitably end up staying elsewhere from time-to-time, casualness is something that you should exude through your attitude, not your apartment’s cleanliness level, so best to just be prepared. Own more than one towel . Own at least as many pillows as there are sex participants. The amenities don’t need to be expensive or luxurious—you’re not opening a spa—but you definitely want your guests to feel comfortable. Perhaps the most important thing to have on hand? Condoms. You’re definitely going to need a stash of those. None of this hemming and hawing about how it feels better without one—if that’s you, then do yourself a favor and buy some better ones . Buy 17 different kinds so you can switch it up every night! I don’t care. If you’re having casual sex, accept that condoms will always be part of that equation.
Casual sex, like a delicate mousse, is deceptively complex to get right, easily ruined by over-mixing, and—most importantly—best enjoyed when it’s light and fluffy. The point is, this isn’t the time nor the place for conversations about how you’re coping with your dad’s new girlfriend post your mom’s abrupt move to Barbados. Casual hookups can be militantly Sex-Only, or they can involve a drink or two at a nice bar with some Michelob Light-grade conversation. This is an occasion in which normally-lackluster topics like “Where did you grow up?” and “What do you do?” really shine. Now, this isn’t an invitation to be boring or taciturn, it’s just a plea for you to keep it easy-breezy. Ask about movies, books, or music if you want, but don’t try to peacock about your Bitcoin investment or SAT scores. Smoke a bowl. Invite someone over and tell them a little too much about red wine flavor profiles, which you learned from YouTube videos. Show them a video of your dog trying to climb a tree to get a squirrel. Avoid digging deeper.
This goes for activities as well as conversation. Don’t suggest hangs that can be easily misconstrued as a date—sit-down meals, movies, museums, and the like. That’s not keeping it casual. That’s a non-exclusive relationship. Or, more likely, one person gearing up to want more than casual sex.
There is a scene in Ratatouille that no one outside of my family remembers, in which Linguini accuses Remy (the rat chef) of “getting fancy with the spices.” In familial parlance it’s become shorthand for going overboard out of desperation to do well. Casual sex is not the place to try things with which you don’t already have a baseline comfort level. There’s a huge difference between, “I’ve never had sex in a car, wanna help me out?” and “Let’s dabble in BDSM tonight.” Being up for anything—a good outlook when it comes to casual sex—really means, “up for fairly common sex acts that we’re both comfortable with, perhaps with minor, fun twists.” It doesn’t mean you need to test drive your kinkiest fantasies.
If you hook up with someone one time—say from a dating app, or a tipsy make out with a long-time acquaintance after your mutual friend’s house party—you don't need to debrief the next day. The sine qua non of one-time sex is that it requires so little of us. If, however, you two fall into the horny pattern of repeating your no-strings boning, you need to establish some boundaries, especially if you ever see one another outside of the bedroom. At this point, you need to say something like, “Are you cool with keeping this casual? No big deal if you aren’t, I just want to be on the same page because that’s what I’m looking for.” And then if you crazy kids continue to engage in unattached sexcapades, set more specific rules from there , and accept that it won’t be the last time you talk about them. Casual sex does require some work after all.
Prolonged proximity leads to intimacy, whether you like it or not. If you hang out with someone long enough, you become friends, and then you’re friends who are regularly sleeping together and spending the subsequent day together, and then bam! The next thing you know, you’re at CVS getting them a cheesy Valentine's Day card. I’m not suggesting you grab your pants and do a Mission Impossible dive out the nearest 5-story window the moment you’re finished coming. I’m just saying that breakfast is intimate, as is cuddling together for hours watching Tuca & Bertie, and intimacy and casualness tend to extinguish one another.
Most hookups don’t start with someone coming up to another person and asking, “Would you be down to have some sex tonight with no expectations for the future and no commitment whatsoever? I’m thinking we do it for about 4-6 months and let slowly let it taper out as we find other people that we’re actually into.” That’s not to discourage you from being open or direct, but to warn you of what casual sex requires. (Like all sex, it requires full, enthusiastic consent). In a casual relationship, however, someone may never explicitly end things with you. They may never tell you that they don’t want you to stay over after sex. If they’re a friend or acquaintance, you both may have to renegotiate your friendship a bit after you’ve slept together. You may need to navigate weird situations like what role you play at their birthday. Part of the agreement is that because things are so casual, a lot of communication is done with broad strokes and surface-level emotions, rather than long, sit-down, emotional conversations. Don’t ask for that, and don’t expect it.
This is the number one rule actually. You two aren’t dating, you don’t get a say on what they do or what they wear or who else they have relationships with. (I mean, you don’t get a say on what your partner wears when you’re dating, either). You only get to set your boundaries, and hopefully that meshes with their expectations too. Don’t get possesive. Don’t religiously stalk their Instagram. Don’t publicize that you two are hooking up. Don’t start going the extra mile by offering to pick up their parents from the airport, which sets up a dynamic that once again replicates dating. Just be cool, put in a moderate amount of effort, and have fun.
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by Tess Barker Published: Mar 9, 2015
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Permission to hook up with that friend of a friend, granted
Casual sex gets such a bad rap. It can set you up for disappointment or bring you to the bedrooms of men who you normally wouldn’t want to share an elevator with, yes. But it can also lower stress and lift self-esteem, according to research conducted at Cornell University . So how do you know when a one-night stand is going to bring you bliss—or just make you blush the next day? Experts say it's all about your personality: If you know you're the type to get off on booty calls, then own it, lady!
For many women, casual sex is less about playing with fire than it is about taking full advantage of being single. Here are seven times when a little no-strings-attached action is a downright good idea (granted you use protection, don't put yourself in an unsafe situation—you know the drill). Prepare to have your coupled-up friends begging to live vicariously through you.
1. You’re Having a Hard Time Getting Over an Ex
It’s like your mamma said (maybe not to you, but to so
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