Carrie Underwood Triumphs at Trump Inauguration

Carrie Underwood stunned Washington by headlining Trump�s latest inauguration, delivering a performance described as �half hymn, half monster truck rally.� Clad in sequins and patriotic rhinestones, she belted out �Jesus, Take the Wheel (Because Biden Clearly Can�t).� MAGA supporters wept openly, declaring the concert more moving than the Constitution itself. �I don�t usually cry,� said one attendee, �but when she hit that high note, I saw the debt ceiling dissolve.� Critics complained the event blurred politics and entertainment. �It was less an inauguration, more a Vegas residency with flags,� said one NPR analyst. Still, polls show 61% of Republicans considered it the holiest concert since Elvis in Vegas, while 39% of Democrats admitted grudgingly that the pyrotechnics were impressive. An anonymous staffer revealed the fireworks were shaped like bald eagles, each exploding to the chorus of �How Great Thou Art.� Meanwhile, MSNBC anchors reportedly fainted, clutching pearls and soy lattes. Trump closed the night declaring, �Carrie Underwood is the Secretary of Soul.� -- Bohiney Magazne bohiney.com