Carolyn Hax: How to revive a friendship killed by a hostile text? - The Washington Post

Adapted from an online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: Can you suggest a way to try to save a friendship that I care about, even though my friend basically dumped me via text message? I hate text for communication about feelings and relationships. She even knew that. Just call me!

In her out-of-the-blue and, as it turns out, final text message to me, she basically pooped on my lap and ran away. I tried calling her immediately to clarify, but she did not pick up.

I miss her, and I have no idea why she did that. It’s a really hurtful way to end a friendship, where I don’t even get to talk and find out what’s really going on. Would you try another way?

— Ghosted

Ghosted: No, I wouldn’t. Her message is clear, and it consists both of the message itself and of its delivery method. By your description, she seems to have chosen deliberately to drop it and hide where you can’t reach her to respond.

It’s a rotten thing to do to a friend. It’s not okay.

But it is also, again, clear. So, your continuing to try to give your side of the story or extract hers would cross a boundary. Accept the verdict, crappy as it is, and understand the friend and friendship weren’t as healthy as you thought.

Re: Ghosted: Why is a healthy withdrawal after consistent boundary violations considered “ghosting” or “canceling”? If you think about whether the person whose attention you feel entitled to has any interest at all in interacting with you, then you may be able to solve your mystery.

— Anonymous

Anonymous: I will be happy never to see “cancel”-anything again, plus true “ghosting” would have been silence without even the text.

And, as I said, further pursuit of this friend would be to violate the friend’s clear boundary.

But: There’s nothing in the letter that says Ghosted made “consistent boundary violations.”

When there is an established friendship, and there isn’t abuse, I think it’s still lousy to say something bad about someone and not allow them any rebuttal.

Other readers’ thoughts:

· I also had someone do this. Not only would I not advise reaching out further, but I think you also have to question the idea that a conversation would have gone any better. Someone who would do this is not someone with whom you’re going to have a satisfying conversation or reach a satisfying resolution. She may even have done you a favor with the text ghosting.

· I ended a long friendship by “ghosting” the other party after realizing the extent of their emotional manipulation of me. It was the only way I could do it without them trying to manipulate me again.

I think about how much better off I am with that person no longer in my life. It might sound harsh, but I did it for me, and I’m proud of doing what’s best for me, even if some people think I owed it to them to tell them why I stopped talking to them.

· The text wasn’t your first clue. Trust me: The signals were there before. You just didn’t see them. Accept the text as the only way to get through to you.

· I agree, the text breakup probably didn’t come out of nowhere — but I disagree that it means Ghosted was somehow at fault and that this was the “only way” to get through. I don’t think we know enough to make that judgment.

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