Captain Jerkpants Incredibles

Captain Jerkpants Incredibles
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This is where the clever tagline goes.
Now that we’ve dispensed with the party favors, let’s get to the reason we’ve assembled Hollywood’s beautiful (and the soulless Joan Rivers), the actual Academy Awards. I have so much analysis to do on who won what and why we want winners. (Alliteration is our friend. Star Jones is NOT.) I’ll start with the important categories, and if I get born, I’ll let guest critic Keanu Reeves take over. I’ll list the nominees, the percentage of OP2.0 who picked that nominee, and the winner in bold. Best Picture The Aviator – 40% Finding Neverland – 0% Million Dollar Baby – 48% Ray – 8% Sideways – 4% Who I Picked: Million Dollar Baby Who Should Have Won: Million Dollar Baby Analysis: The Aviator was big and beautiful, but lacked the emotional punch that M$B had. This movie was the Mystic River of the bunch, powered by strong acting. Plus, you have got to love a movie with an Irish theme. Best Director Clint Eastwood, Million Dollar Baby – 64% Taylor Hackford, Ray – 0% Mike Leigh, Vera Drake – 0% Alexander Payne, Sideways – 4% Martin Scorcese, The Aviator – 40% Who I Picked: Martin Scorcese Who Should Have Won: Clint Eastwood Analysis: I picked Marty because Oscar has a nasty habit of giving credit where credit is due. And I thought Scorcese did a fantastic directing job, this just wasn’t as good as his older flicks. Wait for The Departed, his next project. There’s your Oscar. I’m glad the Academy did the right thing here. Best Actor Don Cheadle, Hotel Rwanda – 4% Johnny Depp, Finding Neverland – 0% Leonardo DiCaprio, The Aviator – 8% Clint Eastwood, Million Dollar Baby – 4% Jamie Foxx – Ray – 84% Who I Picked: Jamie Foxx Who Should Have Won: Jamie Foxx Analysis: Any other year, I’d be screaming that Don Cheadle got robbed. But Foxx was just so electric as Ray Charles that he takes this well-deserved Oscar home. It’s a good thing he’s not really blind, otherwise tripping over Charlize Theron’s dress would have been a foregone conclusion. Best Actress Annette Bening, Being Julia - 0% Catalina Sandino Moreno,Maria Full of Grace - 0% Imelda Staunton,Vera Drake - 4% Hilary Swank, Million Dollar Baby - 84% Kate Winslet, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - 12% Who I Picked: Hilary Swank Who Should Have Won: Hilary Swank Analysis: I only saw the performances of Swank, Moreno, and Winslet, but Hilary was the heart and soul of the best movie of the year. I have no problem with her winning twice at such a young age (Boys Don't Cry), because she earned this. And Winslet and Bening will be back. Best Supporting Actor Alan Alda, The Aviator – 0% Thomas Haden Church, Sideways – 36% Jamie Foxx, Collateral – 4% Morgan Freeman, Million Dollar Baby – 52% Clive Owen, Closer – 8% Who I Picked: Morgan Freeman Who Should Have Won: Thomas Haden Church Analysis: In a true race, I think Church's performance was a little stronger. Freeman was excellent, don't get me wrong, I just think he's played this role before. Church got to go the full gamut of emotion and get bit by an ostrich. But because Freeman was a close second, and he's had a storied career, both the Academy and I picked him. Best Supporting Actress Cate Blanchett, The Aviator - 72% Laura Linney, Kinsey - 4% Virginia Madsen, Sideways - 12% Sophie Okenedo, Hotel Rwanda - 4% Natalie Portman, Closer - 4% Who I Picked: Virginia Madsen Who Should Have Won: Cate Blanchett Analysis: So, yeah, I screwed up. Studies show that the four SAG winners never sweep the Oscars, and I was too sure in my other picks, so I called upset. I'm very sorry, Ms. Blanchett, if you're reading this. I promise to never pick someone named after a state to beat you again. (Hear than Dakota Fanning?) Best Adapted Screenplay Before Sunset - 0% Finding Neverland - 32% Million Dollar Baby - 20% Motorcycle Diaries - 16% Sideways - 32% Who I Picked: Sideways Who Should Have Won: Sideways Analysis: It's good to see that rather than delivering this as a parting gift to the Best Picture winner, this year the screenplays became a writer's award. All are solid nominees, but Sideways blended comedy and drama so well that it stands above the rest. Four great characters, and one of them, if needed, could have channeled Lowell from Wings. Best Original Screenplay The Aviator - 24 % Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - 64% Hotel Rwanda - 12% The Incredibles - 0% Vera Drake - 0% Who I Picked: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind Who Should Have Won: Eternal Sunshine of the Too Long Title Analysis: Honestly, Charlie Kaufmann fans may have been waiting for this, but I think the Academy waited for the right flick. This has been his best ending, by far. Again, it’s once again a writer’s award Best Cinematography The Aviator – 64% House of Flying Daggers – 12% The Passion of the Christ – 20% The Phantom of the Opera – 4% A Very Long Engagement – 0% Who I Picked: The Aviator Who Should Have Won: The Aviator Analysis: Not even considering the plane crash or the dogfights in the beginning, the eerie simplicity to Hughes’ seclusion room filming was extraordinary. Best Original Score Finding Neverland – 48% Harry Potter – Azkaban – 20% Lemony Snicket’s – 4% The Passion of the Christ – 28% The Village – 0% Who I Picked: Finding Neverland Who Should Have Won: The Passion of the Christ Analysis: General rule of thumb – If a Best Picture nominee is the only nominee in Best Score, they’re going to win. Best Film Editing The Aviator – 44% Collateral – 12% Finding Neverland – 12% Million Dollar Baby- 20% Ray – 20% Who I Picked: Million Dollar Baby Who Should Have Won: The Aviator Analysis: General rule of thumb – When it comes to film editing, Condon has no idea. Just can't get a hold on what the Academy looks for. Best Animated Feature The Incredibles - 68% Shark Tale - 8% Shrek 2 - 24% Who I Picked: The Incredibles Who Should Have Won: The Incredibles Analysis: Well, Shark Tale is out because Scorcese played a blowfish in it. Had Eastwood played a blowfish, then we’d be handing the Oscar to that fish flick. Shrek 2, every time I watch it, has a better and better ending. But originality is key in this category. Yay Pixar. Like I said Keanu Reeves will stop by to take you through the results of the others, aka 12 Angry Categories. Later.

Written by
Chris Condon

at
10:30 AM

3
comments

…for giving me so much material to write about today… Before we get to the recap of the 77th Academy Awards that I’ve been promising for days, we start with the recap of the 2nd Chris and Spud Oscar Party, here after referred to simply as Oscar Party 2.0, or occasionally as the even simpler OP2.0. I think I just made simple too complex. Drat. Anyways, despite any pending stupid neighbor protest, Oscar Party 2.0 went off without a Hitch (which was too busy in area theaters). As the guest count fluctuated in the twenties throughout the prior week, we ended up clocking in with an impressive 25. 25 ended up being a great number for the following reasons. 1) Made doing post-game statistics incredibly easy, and 2) no one was forced to sit anywhere uncomfortable like on a tablelamp or my guitar stand. (This did not excuse people from being forced to sit on the third most uncomfortable thing – our couch.) A mixture of Monrovians, SAIC co-workers, the MeWhee Contingent, and people Liz Grimm Knows gather together for a dazzling array of snackables, ranging from Julie’s homemade guac to bread ends and hizzouse, to Condon microwaving some mean Super Pretzels. Upon entry to the Random Fun, guests headed to the Wall of Movies, where they were instructed to pull their packet down (sorry for putting yours so high, Jon (it was Nordberg’s idea)) Inside was their Oscar ballot, whose categories were weighted by importance, and a series of Teleclassic questions, whose answers would only unfold as the Oscars progressed. Do you have any idea whether or not any Oscar winner would try and shut up the band? (Answer was yes, btw) We’re the first to admit that there are some slow parts to the Oscars. For example, we’re all for honoring Sidney Lumet (this will be Scorcese’s Award 15 years from now), but an honorary award for the other guy who cleans film? Please. Give the man a certificate and not a speech. This is where OP2.0 steps in. Replacing last years’ trivia was our Ode to Best Original Song: The OP2.0 Song Bee. 68 catchy movie tunes and 20 eliminations later, none other than Katie Pretz aka “Driving Miss Katie.” I can’t remember, but I think “I Got You Babe” by Sonny and Cher (from Groundhog Day) was the clinching melody. Also worried that attention spans would wane during the Beyonce concert we all witnessed, we also chose to honor Best Adapted Screenplay with a round of Best Picture MadLibs. Best you didn’t know the following: - That Venkman Charles made huge advances in the battle for soggy cheese. - That Sideways involved incidents with a Wookie farm and a naked Yoda running down the street. - That James Barrie would rather screw hanging out with the kids for some good White Castle. (and so on…) When the night was over, and the neighbors never called the cops, the ballot competition came down to the final award, Best Picture, whereupon the million dollar darkhorse, Kristy Glines came from nowhere to take the top prize. Second year in a row that a invited ringer took home the AMC gift certificate. Looks like Clint Eastwood wasn’t the only big winner of the night. (Spud wasn't eligible, Condon didn't matter) The furniture still hasn’t been put back in place, we’ve got enough chips to bankroll a casino, and those 17 Best Picture DVDs we own are still on top of the entertainment center. OP2.0 may be done, but we’ve already begun plans for next year: March 6, 2006. To keep you busy until then, here’s the final standings. Oscar Recap later. Name // No. Correct // Total Points 1. SPUDler's List // 15 // 50 2. The EnGLINES Patient // 14 // 49 3. ANDERSingin' in the Rain // 13 // 47 T-4. How Green was My MEWHEE // 12 // 45 T-4. Driving Miss KATIE // 12 // 45 6. NORD of the Rings // 14 // 44 7. MAZER vs. MAZER // 13 // 44 8. The Manchurian CONDONate // 13 // 43 9. Forrest GRIMMp // 11 // 43 10. From Here to ETURNERty // 11 // 39 11. One Flew over the MEKO's Nest // 11 // 38 12. JACQUESy // 10 // 38 T-13. JONdhi // 11 // 37 T-13. AMATTIAS // 11 // 37 15. Mutiny on the BARRETT // 10 // 37 16. Lawrence of ARACHEa // 9 // 36 17. Butch Cassidy and the MEGAN KIDD // 11 // 35 18. Dr. ZhiVIEHWEG // 9 // 35 19. My Fair LIGGETT // 11 // 32 20. PAToon // 10 // 31 21. The Sound of MOODY // 9 // 30 T-22. In the PETE of the Night // 7 // 30 T-22. All the KIM's Men // 7 // 30 24. MATTon // 7 // 25 25. FERRIots of Fire // 6 // 22

Written by
Chris Condon

at
2:23 PM

3
comments

YABNews is priveleged to have landed this exclusive interview with an incon in You're a Blog lore. Ladies and gentlemen, our chat with Chris Nordberg. We hope we clear up some issues here... You’re a Blog: Mr. Nordberg. Thanks for agreeing to this interview. You see, YAB has served as a cyber focal point for people in their daily straying from responsibility, and there are some who idolize your work ethic. If we were to have a Frequently Asked Questions section, Query Numero Uno would be "Who is Christopher Nordberg, and why does he phone it in? Chris Nordberg: I was born a poor black child in the state of – no, wait, that’s not true. Actually, I am currently a 1st year MBA student at UNC, but the phone it in work ethic goes way back to December of 2002. YAB: Wow, that's a lot of acronyms! This phoning in it you speak of, does that include not typing out full phrases, and instead settling for confusing combinations of letters? CN: As a matter of fact it is (jerkpants). After I accepted a job as a financial analyst at AT&T (Amazing Takeover Target), my second semester of my senior year at William and Mary took on a somewhat different feel than previous semesters. YAB: So phoning it has to do with working in telecommunications? CN: Not really. You see, that semester lacked a certain critical mass of, how shall I put this, productive stuff for me to do. I took 12 credits (only 8 were graded), I was no longer president of the business fraternity, I was no longer interning, I was no longer looking for a job. So I had to come up with other things to do, which certain people who will remain anonymous seemed to think were less than constructive and required a corny tag line loosely connected to my future employer. YAB: I see. But some would say that even prior to this critical point in your academic career, you didn't have to put forth full effort. Our research shows that as a student job, your work description was to "let students check out and watch movies while you sat at your desk and did homework." Can you confirm this, and if so, how does one put forth less effort than this? Make the students watch the movies and do your homework? CN: That is true, but I assure at no time did I inhale the movies or my homework. Sometimes I would sniff my highlighter, but that's it. I'm sorry, what were talking about. YAB: Don't you dare phone in this interview until we figure out more about what phoning it in actually is. So, the final semester of your college career came and classes didn't seem important, got it. We're going to play some word association. I'll give you a typical academic task, and you respond with what you would do instead of said task. Ok, let's start with - writing a history paper. CN: Watch the American President in Condon's room on his DVD player. YAB: Ok, good. How about prepare for a business class presentation? CN: Watch A Few Good Men in Condon's room on his DVD player. YAB: I'm seeing a theme here, we'll try one more...attending golf class. CN: Oh I'd NEVER miss that class. Although on occasion I'd be a little late because I was playing my NASCAR computer game and seeing how many laps it took my to drive the wrong way at Daytona and destroy every other car in the race. YAB: Wow. Just wow. Ok, let's move on. So you went to AT&T, and everything seemed to be going well. Effort. Intensity. Determination. Character traits that made your parents proud in year's past. Then April 2004 rolled around, and AT&T tanked and was almost purchased by BellSouth. Did you have anything to do with this nosedive? CN: Well, I was running a black market Office Depot out of the M&A Division’s supply cabinet, but who doesn’t do that. Also, there were these TPS reports, which I never quite got the hang of. That might have cost the company a few million. I wasn’t concerned though, by that time I had been accepted to UNC. YAB: Ah, so now we're getting somewhere. It's an issue of security. Complete the sentence..."When Nordberg sees the next big thing... CN: ...he takes it and the next six months off." YAB: Excellent. Well, Mr. Nordberg, I think our readers have gotten a good idea of what it means to "phone it in." Final scenario: You're the President of the United States, and you've just gotten news that you've been elected as the King of the World. What happens to the good ole' U.S. of A.? CN: I think the Oval Office would make a good floor hockey rink and the War Room has got to have a PS2. YAB: Sheer Genius. Chris Nordberg, the Embodiment of Phoning It In. CN: You're a phone.

Written by
Chris Condon

at
12:37 PM

0
comments

No, this gem from The Karate Kid never won an Oscar. By the way, I will give you my Oscar coverage blog, including a recap of Oscar Party 2.0 a few posts from now, you know, when the dates become a little more...what's the word...relevant? I'm now officially the best Condon at SAIC. This isn't to say that this is a new development. For all I know, I may have been the best Condon at SAIC since in the final moments of 2002. But how does one compare their company value to another, when your jobs are different and you've never met. You see, I haven't been able to claim the crown up until this point for the simple reason that I had competition. That's right, another Condon. No relation. Can't say that my extended family has stretched to Houston, Texas, where SAIC web designer Andrew Condon call home. Nah, my Condons prefer the frosty confines of upstate New York, where they should publicly mock the school canceling policies of the DC region. If these Condons saw the cheap wooden snow shovels this are is so fond of when the flakes fall, they'd take them and use them for firewood. But just because we've fortified the Northeast Corridor doesn't mean that my distant kin have broke ground in the Lonestar State. I'm sure Andrew's a nice guy, he always seemed that way when we would exchange and forward e-mails intended for one but received by the other. But in the spirit of friendly competition, he no longer stands a chance in the quest for Lord Condo's Cup. For good sir Andrew has decided to leave the company to pursue other career options. That leaves the last man standing. And they say don't mess with Texas... This leaves me on top of the Condon Corporate Food Chain (CCFC). With dear Andrew departed, I am the only one carrying my surname's banner in an employee parade of 45,700. This is a responsibility not to be taken lightly, and I have no intention of doing so. For I now am not just Condon in Finance, I'm The Condon. Of SAIC. As The Condon, I reserve the following rights to be solely mine at all business-related meetings/functions/happy hours/etc...

Written by
Chris Condon

at
1:39 PM

2
comments

Snow days mean several things in the DC area. Schools are closed. Universities are closed. Condon still has work. Snow Removal teams make a pretty penny for doing next to nothing. Local residents take their logic and common sense, throw it up into the snowy sky, and run away from it screaming like a warped game of "Baby in the Air." (Actually isn't the name of that game just warped as is? What were we taught as kids, anyway?!?) Speaking of kids, that's another thing that the threat of icy precipitation brings. My office is covered with them. You see, moms and dads who couldn't afford to take the day off (like their children) were left with no other option than a "Bring Your Kid to Work" Day. At last count, I think I've seen about 4 different boys and girls, between the ages of 7 and 10, walk by my cube at one point or another. And since teachers don't really expect their students to do homework on a snow day, these kids have pretty much free reign on their time management for the day. Unfortunately, since what lies beyong the doors of our office building is a very busy Leesburg Pike, it's unlikely that tobogganing is in their near future. Does anyone else see the potential in this untapped res
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