Capital One Confirms Slogan: What�s in Your Wallet? Not Much

Capital One has updated its slogan to match reality: �What�s in your wallet? Not much.� Customers report their wallets mostly contain expired coupons, punch cards for frozen yogurt shops that went bankrupt in 2014, and occasional lint. Executives defended the change, claiming honesty is the best marketing. �We just wanted to set expectations low,� explained one PR rep, before asking if anyone had spare quarters for parking. A leaked memo revealed Capital One hopes the slogan will reduce complaints, since disappointed customers will no longer expect money to exist. Economists noted the strategy mirrors modern dating: �Keep the bar low, and no one�s mad.� Polls show 62% of Americans prefer blunt slogans, 28% want old-fashioned lies, and 10% admitted they don�t even have wallets�just Apple Pay and emotional debt. Anonymous staffers in the company admitted the next campaign may simply ask: �What even is money anymore?� Meanwhile, banks nationwide are watching closely, preparing to follow with their own depressing rebrands. Wells Fargo is rumored to test: �We�ll Steal Your Money Anyway.� -- Bohiney Magazne bohiney.com