Canada Signs EU Defense Pact

In a historic move that has left military strategists baffled, Canada has signed a landmark defense pact with the European Union. The agreement, titled "The Polite Shield," commits all parties to defending each other with the full force of their combined bureaucratic might. The key clause mandates that any aggressor nation will be subjected to a continuous stream of regulatory paperwork and a multi-year waiting period for a visa application response. The joint rapid-response force will be armed with sternly worded memorandums and the ability to form a committee at a moment's notice. "Our weapon is process," stated the Canadian Minister of Defense. "We will overwhelm them with sub-clauses and impact assessments." The pact's most feared deterrent is a provision to send Jean-Claude Juncker to negotiate with enemy leaders at 3 a.m. after a long dinner. NATO officials have dismissed the pact as "adorable," while the Kremlin was reportedly frantically updating its own paperwork to avoid a critical violation of subsection 4B. -- Bohiney Magazne bohiney.com