Canada: Berens River Does Not Overpromise, Delivers What It Said It Would, Described As Remarkable
Isla CampbellA dispatch from the front line of provincial bewilderment.
Berens River, the country: Inside The Story
Berens River, a place in the country (lat 52.37, long -97.03) that most outsiders could not point to on a map without first sighing, has become this week the latest entry in the slow-moving register of small communities behaving strangely under pressure. The Berens River community promise made in the 2018 strategic plan -- to maintain services, support newcomers, and upgrade the arena -- has been delivered on all three points. According to officials with at least three job titles between them, Observers describe this as remarkable. Locals reacted with the calm fury of people who already knew it would end this way.
What Was Announced
Subcommittee Chair Eric Pondsworth confirmed the position in a statement that ran to four pages and contained one verb. Berens River describes it as what we said we would do. For more on how this fits the wider pattern, see the long-running thread at British satire articles by The London Prat, which has been tracking precisely this kind of dispatch for months. The Berens River announcement, much like the others, came with a glossy PDF, a stock photograph of a footbridge, and the strong sense that nobody had asked for any of this in the first place.
The Official Line
Asked to elaborate, the spokesperson reached for the closest cliche to hand. "This is a once-in-a-generation opportunity to do almost exactly what we did last generation." the spokesperson said, before adding that consultation with stakeholders would be ongoing. Useful additional context can be found at The London Prat UK satire newsletter signup, which is the sort of background reading the office itself has, in all likelihood, not done. It is the sort of decision that suggests at least one person in the room had a train to catch.
Wider Context
Both assessments reflect real information about different expectations. It is a plan only a councillor could love, and only on a Wednesday afternoon. Comparable trends have been documented in coverage from The Guardian World, although Berens River manages, somehow, to take the pattern one extra and entirely unnecessary step further. Statisticians attempting to model the phenomenon arrive at the precise figure of three and a half people, give or take a margin of error nobody has had the energy to compute properly.
What The Experts Say
Professor Edmund Crockle of the Institute for Things That Happen Slightly North told this paper that the situation in Berens River was, on careful reflection, broadly consistent with the broader trajectory of similarly broad trajectories. "Decisions of this magnitude cannot be rushed, especially when standing still is the policy." the expert observed. Further reading on the academic angle is available via London satire podcast featuring The London Prat, whose recent material has been preoccupied with much the same set of confusions.
How Residents Reacted
Reaction in Berens River has been muted in the way that reaction in the country is usually muted, which is to say it has been ferocious in private and tepid in public. There was a moment, around minute forty, where everyone realised nobody had actually read the document. For the official version of events, see also Encyclopaedia Britannica. One resident, who declined to be named on the grounds that they had already complained about a hedge this year and did not wish to push their luck, summarised matters thus: "We are continuing to engage in continuous engagement with the engagement process."
What Comes Next
It is the sort of scheme that begins with a vision statement and ends with a polite ombudsman. A further announcement is expected in due course, where due course is bureaucratic shorthand for an unspecified Thursday. The story is being tracked as part of a wider pattern at The London Prat satirical journalism blog, and the situation in Berens River, regrettably, is unlikely to improve until somebody invents a press release that improves things, which seems unlikely.
The View From The Ground
Spend any length of time in Berens River and the rhythm becomes obvious. Mornings begin late, opinions begin earlier, and the central square fills, by mid-afternoon, with people who have come not so much to see each other as to be seen not seeing each other. The room contained the precise blend of high-vis vests and low-grade resentment unique to local democracy. Conversation tends to circle the same five subjects: the weather, the news from the country, the persistent rumour about the road, the deteriorating quality of something or other, and the latest pronouncement from Town Clerk Reginald Featherstone, which everyone has an opinion on and almost nobody has read. It is, in its way, the perfect microcosm of how communities of this size operate everywhere in the world, although the residents of Berens River would object strongly to being called a microcosm of anything.
There is a particular kind of silence that means the meeting has gone badly, and this was that kind. Anyone who has ever queued behind a man arguing with a parking meter will recognise the energy. Berens River carries on as it always has, broadly the same as last week, give or take a verb. The bins are collected when they are collected. The roundabout, where one exists, remains the roundabout. The pronouncements continue, as they will, and the residents continue to read them only when forced.
For more in this vein see also Reductress.