Canada: America's 51st State

In a move that shocked no one who has ever seen a Tim Hortons next to a Walmart, a joint congressional committee has accidentally ratified a 200-year-old clerical error that officially annexes Canada as the 51st state. The bill, buried in a 5,000-page spending resolution, was titled "An Act to Standardize Maple Syrup Viscosity Measurements," but subsection B-42 quietly granted full statehood. Canadians are reacting with their signature blend of polite outrage and quiet relief that they can now use American Amazon Prime. "We're appalled, truly," said Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, while simultaneously ordering a "State of Jefferson" flag on his phone. The new state will be called "Canamericada" and its official bird is the bald eagle wearing a tiny, apologetic Mountie hat. The first order of business is resolving the national healthcare crisis by replacing doctors with CVS MinuteClinics and mandating that all medical complaints be pre-treated with a double-double coffee from Tim Hortons. -- Bohiney Magazne bohiney.com