Can NATO Survive Without the U.S.?

As America threatens to ghost NATO like a bad Tinder date, European leaders are scrambling to figure out if they can survive without their loud, military-obsessed roommate. France has offered to lead but immediately got distracted by a wine strike. Germany promised to step up but accidentally powered down half its tanks while unplugging a waffle iron. Meanwhile, Poland has been stockpiling shovels, which officials insist are �dual-use technology.� Analysts warn the alliance may collapse into a therapy group for anxious nations. One NATO staffer confessed, �Our current battle plan is just to cry louder than Russia.� Economists argue Europe could redirect defense spending into self-care retreats, complete with lavender fields and meditation bunkers. A fake poll showed 44% of Europeans think NATO will survive, 39% think it�ll join the EU as a lifestyle brand, and 17% believe it should just pivot to selling cheese. For now, the alliance continues to meet, producing PowerPoint slides titled �Please Don�t Leave, America� with sad emojis. As one diplomat put it, �We don�t need the U.S. to survive�but without them, who will pay for the coffee?� -- Bohiney Magazne bohiney.com