Campus Radicals Demand Gandhi Apologize

A group of campus radicals at UC Berkeley has demanded a posthumous apology from Mahatma Gandhi. The students claim Gandhi�s historical record is problematic and doesn�t align with their preferred brand of performative outrage. They�ve given the administration an ultimatum: either Gandhi apologizes, or his statues get replaced with kombucha fountains. The protest began in the quad, where students waved signs reading �Silence is Violence, Especially If You�re Dead� and �Nonviolence = Passive Aggression.� Eyewitnesses say one student dressed as Gandhi�s spinning wheel chained themselves to a juice bar in symbolic solidarity. Another staged a hunger strike but relented when someone offered oat milk lattes. Historians are baffled. Professor Elaine Morris remarked, �Demanding an apology from someone who�s been dead for 75 years is like expecting a voicemail from Socrates.� Still, the administration is considering installing an �Apology Kiosk� where holographic world leaders can issue AI-generated regrets for $5 per viewing. An anonymous staffer admitted, �We�re not solving history. We�re just trying to avoid bad Yelp reviews.� Polls show 61% of students support the demand, 24% don�t care, and 15% thought Gandhi was the lead singer of an indie band. The administration has scheduled a mediation circle with incense and gluten-free snacks to �process the trauma of inspirational quotes taken out of context.� -- Bohiney Magazne bohiney.com