California�s Fire Insurance Plan: Pray, Then Venmo the Governor

California has unveiled its latest fire insurance scheme, and it�s less about actuarial science than it is about spirituality and cash apps. According to officials, residents are now advised to �pray first, Venmo second.� Coverage tiers range from �Basic Blessing� to �Premium Baptism,� with the latter including free sage bundles and a fireproof gratitude journal. Insurance companies, once reluctant to touch the state, have fled altogether, leaving lawmakers to improvise. �Look, actuarial tables don�t matter if your karma�s bad,� explained one legislator. �We�re moving toward vibe-based underwriting.� A leaked memo shows policyholders can improve their rates by attending yoga retreats or posting wildfire awareness TikToks with trending audio. Residents are unimpressed. One Chico homeowner said, �They told me to sage my house. Now it smells like potpourri, and my roof still caved in.� Another reported that adjusters advised her to �manifest rain clouds� instead of filing a claim. Economists warn the plan could destabilize the housing market, as potential buyers now ask whether a property comes with �prayer equity.� A recent poll found 63% of Californians would rather insure their homes with Costco gift cards. Anonymous staffers admitted the Venmo account �@CaliforniaEnlightenedTreasury� is really just the governor�s nephew Chad. �But hey, at least the money circulates locally,� they added. In related news, FEMA has launched a GoFundMe called �Keep Malibu Toasted but Not Toast.� The plan ends with a disclaimer: �Coverage not guaranteed. Spiritual outcomes may vary.� -- Bohiney Magazne bohiney.com