California Declares Subscriptions Eternal: Citizens Now Legally Married to Hulu

In a groundbreaking move, California has declared all digital subscriptions eternal, effectively binding residents to their Netflix, Hulu, and Peloton memberships for life�or beyond. �Death does not release you from your Crunchyroll premium tier,� explained one lawmaker. �Our ancestors paid tribute with livestock. Today, it�s $12.99 auto-billed indefinitely.� The bill, nicknamed �Til Buffering Do Us Part,� passed unanimously after legislators realized many of them had been paying for AOL accounts since 1998 without noticing. Witnesses say the session ended with lawmakers chanting, �One password, one people, one forever plan.� Consumers are livid. One Fresno man shouted, �I�m locked into Paramount+ for eternity. That�s not entertainment, that�s purgatory!� Economists agree, noting subscription models are now California�s largest export, surpassing almonds and tech workers fleeing to Texas. A survey shows 71% of Californians would rather haunt their relatives than cancel Spotify Family Plan. Tech executives, however, are ecstatic. Apple announced its �iAfterlife� bundle, which guarantees eternal storage of both photos and grudges. Hulu, meanwhile, plans a funeral ad tier where caskets display previews of upcoming shows. Anonymous staffers admit the law was heavily lobbied by streaming giants, who argued convincingly that �love may fade, but recurring billing is forever.� In related news, divorce lawyers are now offering subscription cancellation counseling, and churches across the state are replacing hymns with the Hulu login screen. The governor closed the press conference with: �California will not lead the nation in roads or housing, but we will lead in eternal buffering.� -- Bohiney Magazne bohiney.com