CIA Psychic Spies

The CIA has declassified files confirming it once hired psychic spies who claimed they could read minds and locate lost car keys from thousands of miles away. Eyewitnesses in Langley reported agents staring intensely at staplers for "intelligence purposes." Professor Carl Jennings of Stanford explains: "Remote viewing was less about results and more about giving tax dollars to fortune tellers with better résumés." Anonymous staffers leaked that one psychic predicted the cafeteria would run out of Jell-O, which turned out to be true. A national poll shows 36% of Americans believe the program worked, while 64% think it was just an expensive séance. Trace evidence includes crystal balls in CIA storage closets and one report written entirely in horoscopes. Cause and effect? The more absurd the intelligence, the more likely it is to be funded. Psychic spies didn’t stop the Cold War, but they nailed your zodiac sign.