CBS Executives Launch Panic Retreat

Facing plummeting ratings, CBS executives have retreated to a corporate wellness spa in Arizona, where they reportedly spend board meetings floating in saltwater tanks and chanting �content is king� into eucalyptus steam. Anonymous staffers say the network is desperate for relevance, experimenting with new shows like �CSI: TikTok� and �The Young and the Restless but Make It Minecraft.� Eyewitnesses at the retreat observed executives trying goat yoga, with one VP weeping after being headbutted during downward dog. Economists warn the network�s strategy of spiritual healing may not replace coherent programming. A leaked memo shows plans for a spinoff series called �Survivor: Corporate Boardroom,� in which executives vote each other off the island of relevance. A fake poll reveals 62% of viewers couldn�t name a single CBS show currently airing, 28% thought CBS stood for �Can�t Be Saved,� and 10% confused it with CVS. Analysts suggest unless CBS discovers fire or invents Netflix again, the retreat will just be another expensive nap. -- Bohiney Magazne bohiney.com