CBS Execs in Panic

A state of emergency has been declared at CBS headquarters after ratings showed more people were watching a 24/7 live stream of a sloth sleeping. Leaked memos reveal executives are frantically greenlighting anything that tests well with "the youth," leading to a new fall lineup that includes "NCIS: TikTok Division," a sitcom about a sentient AI that just wants to bake sourdough, and a reboot of "Murder She Wrote" where Angela Lansbury is replaced by a hyper-realistic deepfake of a Kardashian. "We're throwing everything at the wall," one exec was overheard saying, "Next week we're filming a game show where millennials try to guess what a 'pension' is." The panic peaked when they discovered their news division had been accidentally using ratings data from 2007. The only show seeing growth is their 4 a.m. rerun of "Matlock," which has developed a cult following with insomniacs and vampires. -- Bohiney Magazne bohiney.com