#C11113

25M

What I am about to say is gonna be super long and this may sound weird for some of you and for others they might understand it.

PS. Sorry for my bad grammar!! 😅

Alright! So, this started when I was a kid (under 6 y/o) when a guy who rented a room in our house decided to sexually abuse me whenever he had the chance. These abuses didn’t occur in a painful or violent way, he just did whatever he wanted to do with me so that he’d fulfill his sexual needs. Sometimes this just happens while alone with him and during other times he’d take me over to some place where his friend(s) lived at during which they’d each take turns to abuse me. Since this happened during my childhood, all I kept assuming was that it was a normal/common sort of action some people does, such as massaging a part of your body. Anyways, this kept going on and on till I became a teen which was when he decided to move out all of a sudden and cut off connections with us, which never really even bothered me.

Afterwards, my past memories started to fade one by one and I vividly kept remembering tiny details as a kid. Days kept moving so fast without realizing and I had turned 15 or 16. This was the age when I learned about homosexuality during religious studies at high school and came to know what a cruel thing this was. I soon started to recall small details from the past but then I kept questioning myself afterwards whether if those ever happened in reality or if I was just being delusional. I didn’t want to get bothered about it that much so I chose to let it go.

Years went by and I had turned 19. One night I attended a family event and ran across this dude who surprisingly knew a lot about me, but I had trouble recognizing him. So after he left, I asked around some people who that was and someone told me that he was the guy who used to live with me when I was a kid. Guess what?!?, he was the ABUSER! However, at that time I knew nothing about what he had done to me so I was just unbothered.

After the event, he came up to me with a smile and asked me whether I could drop him off to his house to which I had to agree as his bike was sent out for maintenance. We left the venue and drove towards his house and on the way it began to rain. When I reached the destination I was soaking wet and decided to wait a bit until the rain stopped. As it didn’t stop after 10 minutes, he invited me to wait at his apartment till it stopped raining. So I went in and sat on the sofa to get dried up. He came towards me with a hot beverage as I was shivering. After I drank it, I started to get drowsy, trembling and lose the sense of control. I tried to get up but fell on the floor. After a while I saw him coming towards me to pick me up assuming he was gonna help me but instead he started to undress me. I realized that he had drugged the drink he gad given me. He then threw me on the floor which got me unconscious. I then woke up after a while to some sort of agony and when I carefully looked around, I saw the scene of him showing an evil smile on his face and when I looked slightly down, he was fucking me continuously. While he was banging me, he took out his phone and began to take a video of him fucking me with my face exposed. After he was done, he told me that I should never speak about it to anyone or else he would leak all of my inappropriate photos and videos since I was a kid. I kneeled down and begged him for forgiveness for anything I or anyone I know did to him but he said that wasn’t it. It was just that he enjoyed me overall, whether it was to have sex, touching or looking at me even though he knew it was an extremely bad thing. He then dressed me up and pushed me out of the apartment. I then slowly went down and exited the building began to walk as my mind was blank. I was in utter shock after the assault. I did not know what was going on around me. That night I walked barefoot towards my home not knowing that I had left my bike outside his place and my shoes left behind. All I thought about was killing myself once I go home. However, instead of doing anything stupid, I decided to tell someone close in the family about everything which got me relieved. I hear that he’s in prison now.

But that’s not over for me. After this event, I began to face trouble figuring out my sexuality. I started having feelings for both girls and guys now. I don’t know what I should do about this situation since it’s extremely difficult to let go of some of these things such as hooking up with guys whenever I get moody plus while I was seeing a girl (said no for the hookup). I didn’t have the audacity to say anything about this to my friends or family. Which is why I wanted to hear any of your thoughts if you do have one.