By 2030, 99% of Americans and Britons Will Be Unemployed — Economists Warn of “Permanent Tea Break”

WASHINGTON, D.C. & LONDON — By 2030, an AI expert predicts that 99% of jobs in the United States and the United Kingdom will va…

Professor Roman Yampolskiy, an AI safety researcher at the University of Louisville, explained that retraining won’t help. “It doesn’t matter if you study robotics or basket weaving,” he said. “AI already weaves baskets, writes poetry about the baskets, and then fires you for being redundant.”

A Tale of Two Jobless Nations

In the United States, the Bureau of Labor Statistics has already begun prepping for a 99% unemployment rate by installing hammocks in abandoned office parks. In the UK, Parliament has ordered tea breaks extended indefinitely.

“We looked at the numbers,” said a Whitehall aide. “By 2030, there’s no point going back to the office. We’re just making tea the national industry.”

Everyday Life in the Jobless Future

In New York, Times Square has been repurposed as the National Unemployment Selfie Zone. Former finance bros now trade Starbucks gift cards for Wi-Fi passwords.

In Manchester, entire blocks of old textile mills have reopened — not as factories, but as indoor nap centers. Locals bring their own pillows.

In Texas, ranchers have already accepted defeat. One cattleman told reporters, “The robots took my herd. They don’t even eat steak; they just raise cows to impress each other.”

In Liverpool, dock workers were replaced by AI cranes that unload ships while singing Beatles covers. Locals insist the robots’ version of Hey Jude is “soulless but efficient.”

The Final 1% of Workers

Analysts predict the last surviving jobs in the US and UK will include:

Waffle House waitresses (because AI fears them).
Pub landlords in Cornwall (because robots can’t pour a Guinness with proper head).
Florida alligator wrestlers (no AI has volunteered).
Yorkshire pudding judges (machines lack the palate).

An anonymous staffer leaked a US congressional memo listing “critical surviving professions”: baristas, weed dispensary clerks, and TikTok pranksters.

Fake Polls, Real Despair

A Gallup–YouGov joint poll found:

38% of Americans plan to become “full-time Netflix commentators.”
41% of Britons said they would “spend all day arguing about soccer with no work to interrupt them.”
19% of respondents said they were already unemployed and “just glad society finally caught up.”
2% said: “I’ll become Prime Minister; that job seems open every six months anyway.”

Congressional and Parliamentary Comedy

In Washington, hearings on unemployment have already gone off the rails:

Senator: “How do we stop 99% unemployment?”

Economist: “You don’t.”

Senator: “Ok, but how do we tax it?”

Meanwhile, in London, MPs debated whether mass unemployment should be classified as “an opportunity for vibes.” One Tory MP suggested subsidizing “National Queueing Contests,” while a Labour MP countered with “Free Netflix for Life.”

Eyewitnesses of the Collapse

In Cleveland, a steelworker reported: “My robot foreman fired me, then bought me a drink. I respect that.”

In Brighton, a bartender said: “It’s weird. AI took every job, but somehow still ordered three pints and forgot to tip.”

In Los Angeles, a screenwriter admitted: “I was replaced by ChatGPT. Ironically, it’s now writing a screenplay about me being unemployed. I’m suing for royalties.”

Academic Commentary

Dr. Linda Harper, a Harvard economist, explained: “Mass unemployment will devastate GDP, but boost TPS—‘Tea Per Second.’ The UK economy will now be measured in mugs, not pounds.”

Professor Nigel Thistlethwaite of Oxford added: “Britain has survived plagues, wars, and Brexit. We can certainly survive unemployment — provided we still have Sunday roasts.”

Global Reactions

France: Sent sympathy letters, all unopened because no one in the UK is employed to read them.
Canada: Offered universal healthcare for unemployed Americans, provided they learn to skate.
India: Outsourcing industry collapsed when clients realized AI was outsourcing itself.
Australia: Declared surfing a national GDP metric.

What the Funny People Are Saying

“By 2030, the only people working in New York will be the pigeons.”

“Britain’s Plan B for unemployment is Plan Tea.”

“The US will replace income tax with Netflix logins.”

“Parliament sessions will just be pub trivia nights.”

“At least robots can’t queue properly — Britain will keep that skill.”

Cause and Effect

Cause: AI takes all jobs.

Effect: Humans finally pursue hobbies like surfing, binge-watching, and complaining about AI.

Secondary Effect: By 2030, Britain’s national anthem will be changed to “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life.”

Closing Note

By 2030, Americans and Britons may no longer clock in, but they’ll clock out in style. Robots will run the corporations, the governments, and the fast-food chains. Humans, meanwhile, will rediscover the thrill of naps, pints, and Netflix marathons.

As one Liverpool dockworker sighed: “If 99% of us are unemployed, at least we can finally watch the rain without calling in sick.”

Full news here: https://bohiney.com/the-99-unemployment-era/

Auf Wiedersehen.

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