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Every simple statement invariably disguises several messy truths. Everything was changing in the s, and enrollment in the classics was at an all-time low. But the cultural conservatives who wrote budgets and made decisions at Michigan State, where I started off as an assistant professor, were determined that Latin and Greek must still be offered amidst all the new courses on Maoism, feminism, and Afro-American studies, as it was called then. I snuck by, I published my dissertation, I rose to be a tenured associate professor at Bloomington, Indiana, but even in the relatively staid world of Statius I was gleefully able to glimpse the antics of the Emperor Tiberius, who at his palace on Capri would order little boys to swim naked between his legs and nibble him on the buttocks and thighs. Eventually this whole summary bores even me , I wrote a second book, on Silver Age satirists, and ended up at the University of Chicago, which, paradoxically you might say, was too Socratic for me, too oriented toward the Great Books in English translation and Great Ideas endlessly debated by over-confident undergraduates with no sense of history. They make me nervous. If you study the arch carefully you can see fingerprints. The downstairs apartment of the house where I live has windows only at either end, so the inner two rooms are dark and cavernous, cool in summer and damp in the winter one whole wall is wedged right into the hill beside it and is always showing patches of humidity. Helena and I have known each other since or so, when we met at the very pensione in Florence where Forster set A Room with a View. It was the whole slightly dismal world of shabby gentility, of retired teachers addicted to dog-eared Agatha Christie novels and visits to the Uffizi only in February when it was empty. He ogled me as well, on the generally safe theory that all well-behaved American men on their own and past a certain age are homophile. Sometimes during orgies of idleness she read nothing but whodunits, which she consumed in industrial quantities. By suppertime we were joined at the hip. Both of us were there because of Forster — Helena because she was doing an article on Forster in Florence, and I because he was one of my favorite writers. I rather prefer it. I made the whole trip one spring break to Angkor Wat without exchanging a word with anyone but the tour guide and the desk clerk, ignoring the other members of our group, all half-gaga Golden-Agers determined to enthuse. My mind is like one of those big baskets rural grandmothers used to keep full of scraps of cloth and ribbon to amuse little girls before the era of commercial toys. I can just dip in at any moment and find odd associations, memories, imaginary dialogues, sexy scenes, translation problems, moments that make me wince, and even a few that make me smile with a sense of quiet triumph. But with Helena I found I shared an instant complicity. And she was as beautiful as a carving on the outer walls of the Miracoli church in Venice, that small white marble chapel shaped oddly to fit onto a corner where two canals meet at an angle and a humped-back stone bridge leap-frogs behind. In low reliefs there are heavenly musicians in three-quarter profile tapping tambourines or breathing into a flute or opening their lips to sing, and the purity of their features, the precise carving of their nostrils and the philtrum below and the commissure of their lips, the way their long, smooth lids fit over their eyes am I making all this up? Misremembering it? She had pierced ears freighted with delicate gold wires and gold oval frames holding translucent, carved bits of tourmaline and on her left wedding finger glowed a dark Bengali emerald. She had only two or three conversational modes, but I have no more and hers suited me. She could bark out orders with regal impatience. She could be full of mischief and covert satire, alert to pomposity or absurdity on every side but not cruel except to other women she perceived as rivals. She could curl up and be cozy while endlessly analyzing what some handsome man had said. Many men adored me, which gave me a quiet feeling of satisfaction, though I never paid it much attention. We were very compatible from the start. She knew all about court etiquette but scoffed at Americans drooling over titles — and our inability to get them right. She had lots of stories to tell, always new ones. She was usually on time, curious about my life but not prying, quick to roll her eyes if a conversation or guitar recital in the lovely ducal chapel went on too long. She was extraordinarily courageous. We often took vacations together over the next twenty years. With her blonde mane and zaftig beauty and elegant speech she was a male magnet, especially in the Caribbean, I recall, though I was the one who did slightly better in Morocco. I have small, perfect teeth, small, carefully manicured hands, a nearly hairless torso, high-arched size-seven feet, which a big Welsh bear once kissed all night long with fetishistic insistence. Helena and I called him my transi , which in French means something like a bashful, passionate lover. He was my transi, and not the first. There was a Tokyo stockbroker with a wife and children and traces of a bad case of adolescent acne who turned out much to his chagrin and my total indifference to be Korean, heaven forfend. Once I knew the supposedly shameful truth of his origins he could never bear to see me again. Then there was a Swiss-German conference interpreter, who could translate into and out of five languages at hour-long stretches; he was ten years younger than I but domineering and perfectionist; he worshiped me, and not just my feet, even though his passion took him by surprise, given his Nicaraguan wife and his usual preference for ethnic women or artsy, long-haired youths with gold ear hoops in their early twenties. For me the game was sometimes my scholarship, often my teaching, but most generally my own slightly smug pleasure in merely existing. I like making myself little meals, doing yoga in a patch of sunlight, motoring up to Saugatuck, Michigan, for a golden September weekend and renting a cottage there. Or thumbing through a new cookbook and turning down the corner of recipes I might want to try out some day but never did. Into this china shop of a life Helena would come crashing from time to time. She was persuaded that only my sex drive saved me from total old-maidishness. Three years ago, when I retired, I moved in here with Helena on Naxos, a lively enough island during the summer but rather dreary and underpopulated in the winter. Thank heavens for my Bulgarian friend Boris though Helena hates him. Helena has a wonderful eye and has filled every room with old clocks that no longer work, little wood dressing tables painted pale blue, old sea chests draped in nineteenth-century embroideries from Crete, a great glowering sepia-tinted photograph of a heavy-lidded Cavafy, fine silk rugs emblazoned with the Byzantine tree of life that she brought back from Anatolia, mismatched water glasses, and chipped old plates, all lovely and suggestive of a story. I have no cats, perhaps because I am one, tiptoeing gingerly through life or gathering myself into a glossy ball of indifference and self-sufficiency. The first year, I escaped Naxos in January and flew to Key West, where I have two friends even older than I am, but the flight exhausted me with its change of planes in Athens and again in Miami. The second winter Helena and I traveled together through Morocco by rental car; she had an assignment from The Telegraph that paid for our luxury hotels. And I keep a fire burning in the fireplace most days. Helena was a good sport and sort of complied. To fight the blues I do my daily calisthenics at nine in the morning, I bathe and dress with care at nine-thirty, I drink coffee and eat yogurt and a banana at ten, I check my e-mail at ten thirty usually just Viagra ads — and then I have absolutely nothing to do and nowhere to go. In fact not at all. And then? Aided by the exquisite black gum my Bulgarian friend has taught me how to smoke. Why, just today I sank into an extended recollection of Istanbul, a memory prompted by staring at an old Ottoman ruby water glass, hand-painted with pale-green glazed designs of foliage. I bought it in one of the little antique shops to be found at the very heart of the covered Grand Bazaar in Instanbul. After wandering through miles of kitchen equipment, cheap sandals, rolls of linoleum, and racks of crudely stitched leather jackets aubergine seems to be a favorite color , you finally get to a gate that when open admits one to a section that sells old Korans, nineteenth-century nargiles, pawned brooches and recycled rings, battered heavenly blue tiles from Iznik, dark carved furniture with tulip cut-outs. The opium helps me re-create the best moments but also dissolves the limits between remembering and wishing. I suppose Helena would say the whole adventure was just a pipe dream. Now Turkey is such a popular holiday destination that even Greece and Spain are suffering from the competition, but back then Westerners still feared rape, torture, imprisonment — all dire visions inspired by a popular movie of the time, Midnight Express. Her eyes widened and she said or needed to do nothing more. Two-thirds of the island is planted with forests, the whole hilly interior, but the coasts are lined with magnificent wood mansions rambling down to the sea. The pines turn brown under the intense sunlight, though you can say in favor of Istanbul weather that it changes every day, now cool and blowy, now hot and airless, now rainy, usually dry. Once we stopped under the trees and out of nowhere a boy rose up like a genie with a big tin samovar and small green tea glasses. Suddenly we felt a bit like Rumi, contemplating the rolling, darkening sea and sipping our heavily sugared tea so sweet it attracted little bees as we sat cross-legged on the slippery, redolent pine needles. We fell into a very pasha-like indolence, one that resembles those that are opiate-induced, a rich pleasure that absolutely requires the anxious attendance of onlooking servants. Just a hint of cruelty enhances any pleasure. Our idyll lasted just a day. The next night we were back at the Pera Palas, rising slowly in the filigreed cage of an elevator a hydraulic relic of the s to the small, hot rooms under the eaves that the Turkish government had arranged for us. We conferred. We had no choice. When we happened to be there it was at the time of the Greater Bayram, the Festival of Sacrifice, which commemorates the ransom of Ishmael or is it Isaac? The contrast the city of course straddles Asia and Europe struck me as telling and picturesque — no more folkloric than our own Easter egg hunts or Passion Plays, to be sure. And it was a respectable place, reserved for married parents with children and no riotous habits. Even the resourceful Cansen came up empty-handed. We were so eager this time, however, that we pressed her. Then she seemed almost startled out of a trance, shrugged her big shoulders under the heavy padding of her Soviet-style bureaucratic suit jacket. Her thinking produced an invitation for a glass of cold cherry juice on the shaded balcony of a Mrs. We crossed the Bosphorus via the new Japanese-built suspension bridge and drove through endlessly proliferating brand-new slums of ten- and twelve-story projects on the Asia side, streets without trees or lights or even in some spots paving. At last we arrived at the elegant old houses lining the Sea of Marmara. She was a trim, fifty-something woman with a fine, slim-hipped figure, her graying hair pulled back in a severe bun decorated with a paper gardenia, her face tan and lean with a large nose and a wen at the end of one eyebrow. She reminded me of Maria Callas. Everything in her apartment was immaculate. It seemed she had a house to rent, a vast old wood yali , as the nineteenth-century mansions were called. She and her husband were going to Switzerland in a week, to Arosa for a cure, and she saw no major reason against renting the yali to such a sympathetic couple, especially if we kept on the same servants — one of us was a scholar, no, and his wife a writer, no? Tekhinan averred that she adored foreign intellectuals and counted many of them among her friends. She even knew a French academician named Jean-Louis Curtis, such a charmer, were we familiar with his delicious novels? And then I saw him, the son, in a long white coat without a collar that buttoned down to his knees with small white irregular shell buttons, a shirt-coat that had been bleached and ironed to blinding perfection. He was twenty-eight or nine, I guessed, not tall, his hair a glossy black cap, his body dark and slender inside its full white tunic, which at the time I assumed must be Turkish at-home mufti but that later I deduced was a summer garment of his own design. He had a canny, intelligent face. His shoulders were hunched slightly forward, which hollowed out his chest. In talking about gays she was by turns too bawdy or obtuse or dismissive or pitying or just openly contemptuous. With a woman! It is the front side usually — you do know that at least, I trust? Everything else you people do is just a form of groping. There have been men I would only grope. Or worse, once when I was in Yemen as a tourist, four bare-chested Germans in tight leather shorts and sporting gold nipple rings roared into the town of Taiz on motorcycles. Within minutes all four were shot and killed every Yemeni in that area carries a Kalishnikov. Or she might mail an air ticket to London to a New York painter friend quietly starving to death on the Lower East Side. He likes it I have an amusing little capon. She held her very large nose with a tanned finger and thumb to indicate distaste for the glamorous past. Her personal life was very messy; we were going to write her memoirs and call it Messy Loves. He was married to a stylish, bookish Italian called Concetta whom he refused to leave she was a baronessa. When he became overnight through some adroit purchases a media giant and was himself under scrutiny he insisted Helena throw everyone off the scent by getting married. Langdon wanted to consummate the mariage blanc. Pretty comical if you think about it: the lover cuckolded by the husband. Not so funny the way it all ended. Messy divorce, and then Baronessa Concetta was obliged to call her Harold to heel. Helena sued and won but never worked there again. She fell asleep too early, put on weight, spent more time with her cats than with people. It took a while but gradually Helena was giving up on London. She spent much of the year in Greece or the Caribbean or Southeast Asia churning out her articles. She sold her London flat and bought her vast ancient house on Naxos. Otherwise, with steady beaux, she could tolerate the act only if it was accompanied by heaps and heaps of devotion and tenderness and buildup. Since fewer and fewer men were wooing her now, she hung up her gloves as a sexual contender. That chapter is closed. She went to mass every Sunday. Until I became so close to Helena I never understood how fragile and romantic women are by nature. Very few men seem to fathom that essential difference between men and women, their fragility. She and I are well suited. That may sound like a lot but believe me, some of these gays get up into the hundreds and even thousands. I think private life should be private. A casual pickup does nothing for me. I like mystery and subtlety. That must be why I prefer the bisexuals I find in out-of-the-way places to New York or San Francisco clones or circuit queens or ghetto ladies. Like Helena I enjoy being courted; the game of seduction, with all its false starts, dead ends, and sudden rewards, is something I prize as much as the old bump-and-grind. Cansen grunted and even produced a tiny Comintern smile. For some reason I blushed — I hope my tan hid my confusion. His mother, whom he kept calling Betty to her vexed amusement, puffed out her cheeks in mock impatience. Helena and I exchanged a quick glance to acknowledge this snobbish mother-son game of pretending to lament what one secretly plumes oneself over. Davud gave us a big friendly wave and a dosed smile. He had Helena on one side and me on the other as he hurried us along, touching us both lightly on the shoulder. Most of them had shiny plastic-covered seats in an improbably bright green or purple with gold stars in their translucent depths, but some had proper sun-faded leather upholstery and suspended hands of Fatima or glass eyes on strings for good luck. There were dozens of carriages inching their way up to the raised landing dock where we waited our turn and then boarded without needing to step up or down, though the carriage bounced on its springs under our sudden weight. Davud was careful to put Helena and me together on the seat that faced forward and then he sat opposite me, our knees nearly touching. As if on cue we could hear a muezzin, his bleating voice electrically amplified, calling the faithful to prayer, though none of the merchants in the stores we were trotting past seemed fazed by the summons. The Sultan took 20, Spanish Jews and many of them have summer houses here. No refrigeration. There was a cool sea breeze siphoning up through the trees as we climbed the leafy, hilly road that wound past the old yalis in their splendid gardens of roses and big, grandmotherly mauve hydrangeas. Some of the houses were set back behind fences of impressive iron staves tipped in gold, though others were smaller and leaned out over the pavement and looked modest and approachable like ski chalets. He was being gallant with Helena though she was muttering again about pedantry and deferential with me, but he also laced his beautiful manners with a certain coolness that was unmistakably aristocratic if Helena heard me saying that, she would whoop with laughter, since she thinks Americans are clueless about the aristocracy. I was intensely aware of his white hands on his knees — not exactly white, more the color of weak tea. The backs of his hands and the top knuckles were covered with fine black hair, which seemed to me how to say it? His manner was tricky and dandified, but his hands were honest and reassuring. The most natural thing in the world would have been to lean forward to kiss them. The whole house had been kept closed for a long time, I imagined, and everything smelled of airless hot wood, of brass wiring and good tar soap. My muscles will memorize where the step comes and how deep it is, where to find the switch without looking to turn on that outsize crystal chandelier hung with the million dusty Bohemian crystal lusters. We looked at its brass hookah, its couch pressed up against one wall, and its thick Persian carpet laid out for contemplation with woven patterns of fountains and paradisal flower baskets, and its mirhab on the side, presumably, facing Mecca. The wall sconces were electrified candles backed by scalloped antiqued mirrors narrow at the base and rounded and flared at the top. There were four, five, six! And cruel. The cruelty is an important ingredient. There now, I feel much better. On with my Turkish delights…. By the time my grandfather came along we Turkish men had entered an era of diminished expectations. He waved the servant off. He showed us where the carriage drivers lived in makeshift cottages down in a valley surrounded by trees. He led us down a steep pathless hill to a tiny hidden beach where we swam and sunbathed in solitude. Later he invited us to lunch in a grove where a sort of witch with wild hair and dirty hands served us grilled lamb. Again we were quite alone. They never take their eyes off you. She brightened up. I pointed out a mannequin the next slab over. Madame is a real woman. Which part of what I just said, pray, is right in your opinion? Face it. As soon as I was in my room someone locked the door, yes, locked it from the inside, someone naked and warm who pulled me to the bed. He talked and talked while holding and probing all the most sensitive parts of my body while I listened, sometimes for hours. I like men who are elegant in the drawing room and savage in the bedroom — imperious and demanding. Davud suited me perfectly. His torso — his whole body — was as hairy as the backs of his hands but with black glossy filaments that lay flat on his skin. By night he did things to me that were sometimes sharp and painful but that by day I nursed a bit sulkily when my shirt brushed against, say, a wounded nipple. I wore long-sleeved, high-collared shirts to hide the hickey or bruise. In fact she violently disapproves of it. Today she let herself into my apartment without knocking I must get around to telling her to phone first. You have your bed and your cats. Hash, yes, but opium never. I could murder that Boris for getting you addicted to it. Helena snooped around the room with a proprietorial air. Devious wretch, you mean. I felt tempted to pull the hamper lid down over me. Her name was Belkis. I took their engagement in good stride since we gay men never expect things to work out anyway. My good grace was remarkable given that I had the most to lose or at least was the most affected, but Helena had been given no way to know that. She spoke little and then in icy tones. She barely looked at Belkis and never smiled at her. Madame was not amused. He obviously likes them thin the way they all do. Well, good riddance. Another American euphemism for a colorless little pushover. And by the way, have you noticed how his treats are always penny ice creams whereas ours are whole electrocuted squid dinners? Soon we were both roaring with laughter over the very idea of the squid dinner. But no, he was there, his face, neck, and hands tanned a dark Darjeeling brown from the day while his body remained jasmine pale. The wait and possibly the tensions of the day made him rougher and more eager than ever before, as if this time he wanted to climb right inside me like an incubus — or djinn. Afterwards or rather between bouts, for he was tireless he told me that his engagement meant nothing, it was just a formality, that Belkis was a cousin and a delight but that his marriage would in no way diminish his feelings for me. This part of the story is all a bit vague, like a dream. I feel like the nineteenth-century French traveler and novelist Pierre Loti, who wrote The Disenchanted , a wonderful dreamy book about the oppression of women in Turkey. Davud taught us all the symbols on the Ottoman tombs — the various stone fezzes on top of steles that indicated notables of differing degree, the stoneveils that commemorated virgins. Loti had had an entire miniature mosque built inside so that he could lounge around in his vaporous trousers and turbans and smoke opium while outside the winter storms raged. I wanted a virginal veil to be dropped over my stele. My body — every surface, every orifice — felt chafed, invaded, and his insistent voice had replaced my own thoughts. That voice, alternating with his fingers probing me and his bites wounding me so sweetly, consumed me completely — ate up every last fiber of my individuality. And then for me there was Helena. Her father had just died and she was bereft. Which would be worse — admitting that her gaydar was on the blink? Or confronting my faithlessness? Besides, even back then, twenty years ago — more! Last night she walked in on me as I was dozing, foundered in my cozy hamper, and she dragged me out of it, rooted around in the blankets until she found my black lump of opium. Then, still in a fury, she saw my old copy of The Isle of Princes and shredded it with her hands and cast it into the fire. Opium dissolves frontiers and makes every country delightful and calm. You remember that fake list of damages they put together at the end of the summer just to soak us some more? Even that corrupt sinister Cansen stood behind them. Subscribe to The Yale Review and support our commitment to print. His mother glimpsed him too and called him to join us. His name was Davud. Helena and I are both good cooks and we both appreciate good wines. During the Inquisition. I was homesick. So feminine. Edmund White is an American novelist, essayist, and memoirist. Subscribe New perspectives, enduring writing. Join a conversation years in the making. Subscribe to our print journal and receive four beautiful issues per year. Originally published:. See this issue. Featured Essays. Witnessing the unbearable. Christina Sharpe. The novelist on writing about the body in crisis. You Might Also Like Fiction. Brandon Taylor. Subscribe Donate.
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