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Two months into my tenure, after one too many arguments with customers — have you ever seen that episode of Spaced where Daisy, stacking bookshelves while visibly stressed, tells a patron to fuck off? That was me — I decided to cut my losses and get out of there. It was also eating into my getting-high-time. Which was how I found myself part of a minibus convoy rumbling south towards the French ski resort of La Rosiere — a retinue of would-be seasonaires drawn from the four corners of our fair isle accompanied a handful of irrepressible interlopers from the Commonwealth. Not all of us would make it. Many left bodies, minds and former selves on the mountain; some even lost their virginity there. My father had staged a pre-Yuletide intervention to give his eldest and most feckless offspring some direction in life. He suggested working in a ski resort instead, and it seemed like a no brainer. I was a decent skier, hardworking ish , personable. There followed a hurried journey across the Pennines for a quick interview with the management team at their Yorkshire HQ, before being offered a job for the winter on the spot. The turnaround from quitting my bookshop job to being wedged in the back of the minibus was little over a week. The job I was offered was entirely provisional. Our base in La Rosiere was the bed chalet hotel Le Roc Noir since demolished , headed up by a long-serving resort husband-and-wife management team: our surrogate parents for the season. For the first week of induction twenty to thirty of us stayed at the Roc: hoovering, bleaching and mopping in the day; drinking, chatting and settling in. I distinctly remember using a scouring pad to scrub the skirting-boards in the dining room, and repainted the kitchen doors with gloopy, decades-old emulsion that came off on my hands when I rehung them. Nevertheless, there was a wonderfully collegiate sensibility in the first week, with everyone on their best behaviour. Then with the hotel fit for human habitation, and everyone familiar and affiliated, the team was split up. My one and only season in a ski resort was defined by false dawns and fuck ups, stoned camaraderie and social dissipation. Later that day, having wiped down toilets and nursed my hangover, I phoned home whereupon my mother burst into tears. That evening at dinner I spent two hours being purposefully ignored by the hotel guests every seasonaire was expected to join guests at their table and clear their plates, top up their wine, engage them in witty repartee etc. It was certainly better pay. Desperate to remain, he discharged himself early and returned to the hotel to edge skis while — I kid you not — hopping on one leg. I aided him in the task by holding his Black and Decker Workmate steady. He rewarded me by insulting me in front of guests by calling me Rupert all evening. Eventually, he recovered sufficiently to be able to join the guests at dinner, seeing off carafe after carafe of foul house wine in the process — though he never rode his board again. He shared a room with a strange individual who was the resident handyman, a guy who dry-heaved every time he emptied the bins — the result of some earlier trauma while working for Doncaster council. One occasion he wandered into the kitchen with vomit over his corporate fleece, muttering something about finding a dead cat in a binbag. He was supposed to be a ski guide but after losing his group twice in the first week was stripped of his stripes. One half of the room — the half where I slept, read and wrote — barely saw any natural light. In the centre of the room was an en suite, with a small toilet and a shower which immediately became clogged with pubic hair and jism. The toilet had an electric flush which we disconnected so we could plug in the stereo: consequently on a few occasions the bathroom became flooded with piss. There was a desk where I penned pained letters to friends and family, skinned up, or sulked when I was issued with a bollocking. A sea-change of sorts came when the ever-chipper Welsh guy switched from kitchen dishwasher to working behind the bar. He also ducked out of our sperm-scented hovel. From then, things improved considerably. Freed from the back-breaking, ball-busting duties of the chalet cleaning team, it meant spending less face time with the frequently-obnoxious guests. By comparison being a plongeur was absolute bliss. It also meant more time to ski. Every day you could ski across the border and back, albeit via an excruciatingly long poma ride into the wind. We grabbed a couple of days skiing every week, and could pick and choose our days, avoiding the busy slopes of national holidays and predominantly skiing in fresh powder in unbroken sunshine. It was absolutely heavenly and made every moment of the mind-stultifyingly monotonous work worth it. That said, at least in the kitchen we got to play music, joke about and drink beers. The Australian had arrived with virtually no patisserie skills every day he failed in his quest to bake an edible cake , but did bring with him some hiphop and electro records. The fiercely political lyrics of 'The Message', melded to the sustained urgency of its electro hooks and fizzing synths, was aurally superior and infintely more authentic than anything Dylan had penned or opined. A local radio station played 'The Bottle' at least once a week. Daft Punk released Discovery that year, and we played it until the CD began to skip. The Canadian owned a couple of Dave Matthews records, and once or twice a day we had to endure the piping of his pseudo-folk-blues-funk fuckery as we busied ourselves in the kitchen. So things were great for a couple of weeks, and were generally great save for the deleterious effects of drink and drugs. Weed — or more specifically, cheap hash sold to us at exorbitant prices by a short-arsed, stroppy Glaswegian ski guide — arrived sometime in late January and immediately started to bugger things up. The Scottish dealer enjoyed pulling the strings: I managed to rub him up the wrong way by simply mentioning weed the first time we met, and after that he made himself unapproachable — which was problematic, because at the time of departing for France I was smoking at least two joints a day. Whether management knew about the dope I cannot say. Certainly guests wandered into our room on more than one occasion while we were blazing up. But no one got the sack, so the likelihood is we got away with it, or a blind eye was frequently turned. A large group decamped every night to our bar, taking over all the seats meant for guests and drinking the bar dry almost every night. Our social integration within the wider community similarly left a lot to be desired. Suffice to say, some of the chalet maids were better at maintaing d'entente cordiale than the male contingent. Perhaps I was blithely complicit in it without realising: I was exhibiting the bi-polar tendencies of the lovelorn for much of that time. We all suffered from cabin fever, being unable to get off the goddamn mountain. Only the chefs and a couple of the guides were able to drive down to Bourg once a week to pick up supplies, buy a Big Mac or just return to normality. The majority of us were stuck, with little to do but drink, smoke, bicker or fuck. The shit hit the fan on the first themed party night held in the Roc bar, sometime in February. Someone - most likely the Canadian chef - decided that mixing flavoured vodka to sell to guests and locals would be a great idea. Thus ensued a day of mixing cheap vodka with assorted confectionary: Skittles, Mars Bars, Bounty. It was utterly, utterly vile stuff. And it sent everyone off on an E-numbers-and-booze-fuelled rampage. In a stoned fuge, I witnessed a large, shouting nursery assistant punch her aristocratic stoner colleague in the face. One of the ski guides was falsely accused of assaulting his girlfriend — it was nasty. That night things turned a little darker. Relationships had soured, and for a while it seemed the social fabric of our little microcosm was beyond repair. We lumbered on: a few people left, others came. A good deal of bed-hopping ensued. Rooms that had to be closed to guests were requisitioned by the staff for midnight trysts. New arrivals sometimes found it hard to gel with the group: one girl literally lasted a fortnight; yet in that short time, she was seduced by the bar manager. Bus-loads of harassed, fatigued would-be skiers pulled up every Saturday evening; we sent them off the following Friday with a raucous gala dinner. Entirely counter-productive given how busy changeover day was, but incredibly fun - and by that point we were sleepwalking our way through our daily duties. In March the snow threatened to disappear, so we sunbathed on the hotel balcony instead of skiing. My father and a friend came to visit, and claimed to have found a flea in their room. The snow returned in great abundance the week before we were due to come home. Closing the resort at that point seemed a gross aberration. One the motorway somewhere south of Paris, in torrential rain and driving wind, a poorly-secured bag of clothes mine slipped loose of its roof-rack mooring and was thrown under the wheels of an articulated lorry. A car flashed us and passed us, the driver pointing at our roof. We doubled back to find a lane of the motorway closed while they rescued the bag; an apologetic-looking Frenchman handed me the sodden, tangled remnants of my possessions. I often find myself wondering what became of them all — then I stop myself. And besides, I can always log back into Facebook to find out. View fullsize.

Episode 33: Drug Dealers in Ski Resorts, Mogul Technique, French Pyrénées & Skiing at 220 km/h

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