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I Partied With An International Drug Lord in Mexico And Somehow Lived to Tell the Tale

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For example, this was my first experience traveling somewhere after you poop, the plumbing is so sensitive that you have to throw the poop-covered toilet paper into a trash can rather than flush it. Like anything else in life, you get used to it. Like the cultured interesting people they are, who walk around Earth with their eyes and ears open, they have passable tourist Spanish. Andrea is fluent, which was extremely helpful. I spent my time pointing at things and shrugging. I learned that the gracious people of Mexico who work in retail and restaurants tend to have little pocket calculators in which to type out numbers and show me so that I can understand what I owe them. There is no airport in Tulum. Well, there are margaritas. Random tip, swing by Chedraui on the way to your resort and bulk up on snacks. A small blue sun-beaten laminated sign attached to the rearview window reminded us that a tip was not included. They brought us tiny bottles of Corona for the drive down, so a tip well-earned. Note the Coronas were not present on the return trip, almost like they knew a week in Mexico kinda stamps out the desire for last-minute road beers. The hotel was La Zebra , part of a small hotel group down there. Hey, I like chains. Except for ones that Jimmy Buffet is involved in. I booked it through a combination of asking Twitter for recommendations thanks Ali! Still, it felt like a roll of the dice. The dice came up with a critical hit as I can barely imagine a nicer place to stay. Our hotel room had a wonderfully comfortable bed, large useful closet, and walk-in double shower. Oh right, and a little open-air wicker trash can to put your shit covered toilet paper. They give you a very detailed tour of your room which is very clear on the point of the toilet paper. You get used to it, you get used to it. No, La Zebra is right on the damn ocean. The water was warm and refreshing and even the ocean floor was sandy and nice. A day was easily made lounging around in a cabana and popping in and out of the ocean. I guess seaweed is a big problem sometimes. Nasty red stuff that stinks and strikes swimming from the agenda. Instagram is your friend there since you can always look at timely location-based photos. There is an actual city center of Tulum. We went there exactly once just to check it out. Luchador masks, dream catchers, wooden animals, skull figures, and colorful linens. We ate at Burrito Amor and had rather good grilled burritos. I hear the nightlife is best in town. We stayed on the beach which is some 30 minutes away by car and largely stayed there. I saw zero dancing is my point other than an instructional salsa dancing workshop. Definitely no foam parties. There is one road that goes up and down the beach for many literal miles. THE ROAD is the only way to get around the beach, by car, foot, bike, motorcycle, giant truck, or little tiny four-wheeler designed to look like an American army jeep that you can rent really. Most businesses are almost entirely outside, so everything is dusty. If they turned THE ROAD into a boardwalk for walkers and bikers and somehow moved the road away a bit, it would be the coolest boardwalk in the damn world. The way it is now, it was a little stressful for me. I got more used to it as the week went on, but it still feels like the 1 opportunity for Tulum to improve. Incredible restaurants. Incredible resorts. Incredible shops. Everything is integrated into this shaded-jungle one-with-nature aesthetic that every place has a different take on but still all feels cohesive. There is no mini-golf or regular golf. There is no zip-lining or go-karts or petting zoos or Italian Night at the resort. There was yoga on the beach, hot stone massages, and guest mixologists. There are quite a few pharmacies. I suspect the density of them has something to do with the fact you can buy cold bottled water, and more importantly, pain killers and viagra without having to beg a doctor. We also bought some muscle relaxers for the legit reason of muscle spasms and it was effective. We were offered weed, PCP, ecstasy, and cocaine. Everyone wants to sell you something but they take being ignored or waved off pretty well. But we ate at places I found extremely fancy and high quality like Arca, Hartwood, and Bak. They are only open for dinner. They have solar panels, so their lights and music are powered by the sun. They cook by woodfire. So during the day, while the solar panels are charging, they drive around the peninsula buying fresh food, then coalesce in the evening to cook it for you. They take reservations somehow but do not have fancy machinery like a credit card machine. Having cash on you is the way to go. Before we went to Hartwood for dinner, we knew it was cash-only, but were short on cash. I would have liked to have converted money exactly once, but instead, we did it more like times. Ideally, everything would take credit cards. One little food court taco truck will take every credit card under the sun, including American Express and Diners Club cards?! Most places will take USD, but factor in an exchange rate. Again, just have pesos. Nobody really has it. It has to be delivered. Huge water trucks deliver water by thick red hoses to all the businesses. Similarly with electricity. The beach is off the grid, so power comes from huge diesel generators some more hidden from tourists than others. Anecdotal, of course, but even the fancy hotel staff warn you not to drink tap. La Zebra provided carafes in the room, but I even stopped trusting that. Also anecdotally, our tour guide says he gets sick in the U. That seems pretty resort-like to me. At La Zebra, everything food, drinks, spa treatments were priced just like they would be in the United States. Margaritas are 10 bucks. Toast and jam is 5 bucks. Maybe it feels that way to New Yorkers, but not for most of us. The clientele at La Zebra was fascinating. There was a couple of MacBook-toting nerds there, checking Twitter and not totally unplugging, like me. Then some old couples clearly enjoying a retirement trip. Plus some families with babies and toddlers. We were graced with two topless sunbathers. She only popped up occasionally to take smiley FaceTime calls remaining topless. The other was like an angrier drunker Frances McDormand who also took periodic topless FaceTime calls. There was half-decent WiFi at La Zebra. Phone service was not. At one point I needed to call my bank and the call dropped on me several times before I just gave up. If you absolutely need to make an important phone call, go to town. We did one big excursion out into the peninsula, booked through the resort rather than something we booked ourselves on something like Tours by Locals. Our guide was Omar, who took us to Chichen Itza. Chichen Itza is a fascinating place, worth visiting if nothing else because it is one of the new seven wonders of the world. Temples and observatories and whatnot. The coolest thing is the ruins of the ballcourt. Apparently they sacrificed the winner. The next stop was Ik Kil , bringing us to this important fact:. They are all different and interesting. Mostly freshwater, some a bit brackish. You take a set of stairs down after a required shower into it, where an incredible vine-laced swimming hole emerges. We also went to Gran Cenote , the close and super popular one, which was also awesome. We went right as it opened to avoid the crowd, and it was still a touch busy for my liking. I even got over the fact that you have to keep little baskets of poop paper in your room. Definitely, totally, completely got over it. Chedraui is like a more glorious Walmart. That bottom-level one with the hot tub on the porch. The stores were so similar it made me think there must be a single owner for most of them, which feels like it would be a good podcast investigation. I mean Cenote! Red Bull did a thing here one time where people jumped in not just from the top, but from a structure they built on the surface to make the jump even higher. Write a Comment Email Required Name Required Website.

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