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It will only end in tears. America will embrace socialism or Sharia law before it embraces soccerball. Frankly, there's something tedious about the global game that the American mind - jacked up to its eyeballs on sugar, cocaine and freedom - cannot abide. Remember The Simpsons soccer episode? According to soccer-loving novelist Dave Eggers, it's all that goddamn footsie-footsie that turns off the Yanks. Feet are clumsy, perverted and un-American; a free man uses his hands to achieve things. And then there's all the diving and fibbing and whingeing and smooching. So soccer will always be a joke in America. Team bosses in the US know this: that's why they give their teams joke names. If you were a Barcelona scout, could you call up Frank Rijkaard and tell him, with a straight face: 'Hey Frank, you have to look at this young rightback at the Syracuse Salty Dogs'? Catchy, huh? There's a team in Ohio called the Columbus Xoggs. According to some of the players, the team's owner invented the name. He told them the word 'xoggs' was an approximation of the sound that his wife made in the heat of sexual passion. Don't ask me. Maybe she's German. Following the news of the PSL's TV rights bonanza, lots of rich South African bastards aim to get their snouts in the trough by buying or starting football clubs. I challenge them to follow the American formula when naming their clubs. We have a rich heritage of dumb club names to build on: Kokstad Swallows is one example. And so on. Subscribe Sign in. South Africa. Where feet are for fumblers. Just R20 for the first month. Support independent journalism by subscribing to our digital news package. Subscribe now. This is all true, by the way. We may understand football, but that's no reason to take it seriously. Next Article. Most read Heavy rains, thunderstorms, essential service disruptions expected across the Health department opens intense investigation into food poisoning of Durban woman shot dead outside her home while waiting for lift South Africa. Israel gives the US its demands for ending war in Lebanon World. Latest Videos.

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