Butt Bongo

Butt Bongo
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Today on the Stern Show: Grill Master Stern has tips for the backyard, Howard remembers voice acting and ventriloquism legend Paul Winchell, Richard plays the Butt Bongos on a porn star, plus there’s a national debate on whether or not Kelly Monaco is hot.
Today’s show almost didn’t happen because Howard said he really wanted to take the day off the worst way. With the weather being so nice he just wanted to stay home and enjoy it. Howard explained he had had a big grilling weekend and got to use some new grilling equipment sent to him by grilling guru, Steven Raichlen.
Howard bought Raichlen’s book when he first started grilling and said that Raichlen is the there is on the subject. He either invented or perfected “Beer Can Chicken” plus a host of other grilling techniques.
Raichlen sent Howard some thin, heat resistant grilling mitts that Howard loved and a meat thermometer with a belt clip, among other things. Howard cooked an entire chicken over the weekend using the smoke box on his grill. He said he cleaned the chicken and everything. Robin said she just buys her chicken in individual parts, not the entire thing, so she didn’t know you had to you to clean it. Howard told her that buying chicken in parts is an amateur move.
Howard said he wants to be more self sufficient when it comes to food and the next thing he wants to master is catching and cleaning his own fish. Howard said it was time to be his own man. Richard “Creepy” Christy said he used to do that with his dad in Kansas. They would catch 80 pound catfish and sometimes lived all winter off of catfish and meatloaf.
Richard’s dad would hang the fish skulls on his gate posts as trophies. Howard said Richard’s dad sounded like the Predator.
One of Howard’s childhood heroes passed away today – famed ventriloquist and voice of “Winnie the Pooh’s” Tigger, Paul Winchell.
Howard said he was a big fan of Paul’s and Paul influenced him to do his own puppet shows when he was a kid. Howard even got Paul’s book on ventriloquism . He demonstrated his mad skills to Robin pointing out that he dropped all the “B’s” and “P’s” because they are impossible to do without moving your lips. He said that was one of the secrets he learned from Winchell’s book. Howard pointed out that Winchell was much more than a ventriloquist. He invented one of the first artificial hearts as well as the first disposable razor plus many other items.
He had over 30 patents when he died. Gary had read that Winchell dropped his disposable razor after critics said no one would want to buy something they just had to throw away, only to see another company pick up his idea and make billions off of it. Howard said that this was why he doesn’t invent anything – because he’s afraid of someone stealing his ideas. That, and the fact that he doesn’t have any ideas for inventions – yet. Winchell also invented the “invisible garter” and Howard tried to figure out what possessed Winchell to invent that one. But it did remind Howard of how he used to watch his mom get dressed and all the contraptions that were involved in that process; big, giant panties and girdles and straps and a whole myriad of things. Howard said it was so unsexy that it was amazing to him that his dad got worked up sexually for his mother.
Howard brought fitness model turned porn star, Lori Lust into the studio this morning for a visit. He had gotten an email from her boyfriend saying she was willing to do just about anything for the chance to come in; so he figured, why not? Howard asked her a little about herself and her career. Lori said she’s been doing porn for about 6 months and has already made 9 films.
But when Lori said she was only 26, Howard skeptically asked when she was born. Lori quickly answered 1978; however, she didn’t recall when she graduated from high school, claiming she didn’t want to talk about that part of her life.
Howard changed the subject and asked to see her implants, which she showed him – even offering to let him feel them. Howard said he would wait to see how the rest of the interview went. Since Lori had said she was up for anything, Howard thought this would be a great opportunity to bring back a favorite bit and subject of a Pay-Per-View, Butt Bongo Fiesta. He said that having a renowned speed metal drummer on staff in Richard Christy only sweetened the deal.
To set the mood, Howard played a few good drum solos , including “Moby Dick” by Led Zeppelin that went on forever. Howard wished he had the live version of it from “The Song Remains the Same” because it was even longer. He had Lori show him her ass to see if she could handle this and after careful inspection, decided she could. Robin wondered if Howard could handle it and he wasn’t sure he could.
Howard asked if Richard could do the live version and Richard said he probably could but he’d have to listen to it for a while first though. Richard suggested Van Halen’s “Hot For Teacher” instead, so Lori hopped into Richard’s lap and off he went. Lori grimaced loudly a few times and Howard stopped Richard for a moment less than a minute into it to point out how red she was getting down there. Then Richard went on a little while longer, claiming he was just getting warmed up. Howard wondered if he could do the drum intro to Aerosmith’s “Walk This Way” so Richard started doing that too.
Then Richard played “name that tune” and played a long, slapping rendition of Rush’s “Tom Sawyer” which no one guessed. Howard was afraid she was getting too red, but Lori said she was ok. Robin suggested Richard find a fresh spot to bongo on. Richard tried another tune and Robin correctly guessed Led Zeppelin’s “Rock & Roll”. Everyone was concerned about Lori’s ass at this point so Richard stopped. Lori said she was ok and suggested rubbing some baby oil on to cool it down. Richard was only too happy to oblige. Robin was afraid she wouldn’t be able to sit after this, but Lori said she’s had worse.
Hook Nose Mike called in to give a quick “f you” to the guy who called in on Friday saying he was Hook Nose. According to this Hook Nose, that was no Hook Nose who tried to keep Brian Phelan from winning some money in Hi/Lo on Friday. Howard joked that he thought the other one was better but Mike wasn’t hearing any of that. Mike also wished the E! crew the best of luck. Howard read an email from a listener who thought there might be a Stern Show curse because some of the things Howard had said he liked or endorsed, didn’t work out like John Kerry, “The Contender” and “Cinderella Man”. Howard said those examples were true, but he’s also predicted a lot of things that have been successful, like the fact that ABC’s dance show would be a big hit – which it is. This started a discussion about how hot contestant/soap opera star/Playboy Playmate, Kelly Monaco was. Howard maintained that she’s the best looking woman on the show and is worth tuning in for. Hook Nose thought her body was great but wasn’t thrilled with her face, saying she wears too much makeup. Then Ralph called in to say that Kelly is not hot and that Howard was crazy for thinking she was. Howard thought maybe Ralph was gay for thinking she wasn’t. Ralph said she was cute, but not hot – and he would do her if he had a chance, because he’s not gay. They all agreed that Rachel Hunter was not as good a dancer as she claimed to be though. At this point, Howard wound down the conversation and let Robin get on with the news.
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