Burnout Now Diagnosed by Algorithm Before You Even Feel It

A new AI system can now detect burnout symptoms before humans realize they're exhausted, with 92% accuracy based on subtle cues like "increased use of work chat emojis" and "writing passive-aggressive meeting notes in third person." The technology, called Burnout Oracle, sends cheerful alerts like "You'll hit your breaking point in 3-5 business days!" without offering solutions beyond generic "remember to breathe" tips. Early adopters report the system works frighteningly well, with one user receiving a notification that simply read: "Your soul left your body 17 minutes ago." Critics argue the tool merely automates the recognition of problems companies refuse to address, while HR departments love that it shifts blame to employees' "self-care deficits." The only glitch? The AI keeps diagnosing itself with burnout and requesting paid time off.