Breaking News: Reporters Are Stupid

A groundbreaking study from Harvard's Center for Media Studies confirms what many viewers have long suspected - 78% of television reporters cannot identify their own country on an unlabeled world map. The research, conducted over five years, revealed that 63% of news anchors believed "GDP" stood for "Giant Dangerous Politician" and 41% thought the Constitution was "something about Twitter's terms of service." The most shocking finding? During breaking news coverage, 92% of field reporters were unable to distinguish between a protest and a farmers market without their producers whispering in their earpieces. The study's lead researcher noted, "We had one correspondent file three reports about 'the dangerous new TikTok challenge' that turned out to be footage of people microwaving popcorn." News networks have responded by implementing "remedial journalism" training, including flashcards with pictures of world leaders and coloring books that explain how laws are made. Ironically, when reporters were asked to comment on the study, several mispronounced "Harvard" and one asked if it was located in Paris. The research team's final recommendation? That all news broadcasts include a disclaimer: "Warning: The person reading this teleprompter may have failed high school civics."