Bound To Pleasure

Bound To Pleasure
Bound To Desire or Born To Create Pleasure?
A new intersectional publication, geared towards voices, values, and identities!
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When are women introduced to the pleasure of their sexual self? Normally it’s after our bodies develop. We learn that there is a pleasure beyond the sunlight dancing on our skin. Or sitting with our favorite aunt or uncle and listening to them tell stories about our parents when they were wild and young. Or snuggling under our blankets as we listen to the rain drum the roof above our head. Or tubs filled with warm water underneath a mass of bubbles. This new introduction to pleasure is not about the joy we derive from our senses being stimulated by life around us. No. The pleasure that we are talked to shortly after we begin to develop breasts, hips and begin to menstruate comes with a warning. Don’t engage in! This new pleasure comes with dire (depending on the type of family you were raised in) consequences. Normally, beyond the warning, don’t let no man have you like a fool, there is nothing else said. After that brief conversation, if it ever happens, many of us are sent off as very curious, fearful, and very naïve young girls and women. Eventually, we learn that some of those dire consequences of sexual pleasure can be that we will either be called a slut because we enjoyed it, a prude because we wanted to remain ‘pure’, or become pregnant because we were not given sufficient information around sex education.
Young girls and women suffer a grave disservice from the women and men in our lives who leave us ill-equipped for the awareness of pleasure we experience through sex. I am going to boldly claim (with no research attached) that many women get their first experience with their sensual sexual self during their first sexual encounter. Unlike the experience with young boys, the topic of masturbation is rarely directed towards young girls in society. I am going to say it is hardly ever discussed in the home. I say hardly because I do believe there are some parents or caregivers that are open and honest with their children about sex and what they can expect or even experience when they are attracted to someone.
But, those rare households are not the ones I’m talking about in this article. I want to really go into discussing how pleasure is often seen as something that is given to women, rather than her participating in it or actively seeking it for herself and how destructive that narrative is for women and their pleasure.
Women are often given the ‘gift’ of pleasure during their first few sexual encounters. I use the word gifted because it is something we believe we receive through sex with a partner. Our pleasure is centered around our partner’s ability to make our body feel a particular way. Our sensual self is then given wholeheartedly over to someone else as we hope to obtain specific sensations only this one person can give. I believe this is how so many women become attached to people that make us feel something sexually. Our partner’s ability to make our body sensually alert is the reason we offer them power over us. Our inexperience with those feelings urges us to blindly and willingly surrender. Often because we have not had conversations about nor had experiences with pleasure, we attach ourselves to that person with the belief that we will never experience that specific pleasure again.
I can’t recall how many conversations I’ve had with women that kept people around simply because they make them feel good in bed. I am not saying you shouldn’t have great sexual experiences, but I do wonder about tying our pleasure to specific people. I worry about the manipulation that can and often does take place in these situations. I think about the late-night booty calls that are answered because we believe this is the only person that can ‘blow out my back’. It seems in those moments; we forfeit the power of our sensual self. I wonder if we have the awareness that we are the ones opening ourselves up to pleasure. We express and build up our willingness to encounter and participate in creating pleasure for ourselves and our partners. Our pleasure begins with us and in our bodies, but somehow we transfer that to the way the person touched us rather than us preparing ourselves to be touched. I won’t generalize and say that all women are unaware of pleasure and how they construct it for themselves. There are in fact some women that are aware that they are creating this moment in conjunction with their partner. They are very intentional about the pleasure they seek and knowing that it is because they pursue it that they experience it. But there are far too many women that aren’t not aware. As a result, they keep returning to relationships that compromise their integrity in every other way because they tied their sexual pleasure to someone outside of their body.
I have come to combat this mindset, as pleasure as an external experience, by having open and honest conversations with the women in my life. And they are women on various age levels. The reality with sexual pleasure is that understanding doesn’t come with age. In fact, many younger women are light years ahead of those of us that are 35+. The lessons they teach have been valuable. Here’s what I’ve learned.
Here are a few steps that can help us take ownership of our pleasure.
I know there are tons of people that have done far more in-depth research on this topic than I have. Here are a few, Audre Lorde The Uses of the Erotic: The Erotic as Power , Adrienne Maree Brown Pleasure Activism the Politics of Feeling Good , and Evyan Whitney who I just learned about on Instagram. I hope you seek them out and navigate this topic for yourself.
A new intersectional publication, geared towards voices, values, and identities!
Teacher | Poet | Spoken Word Artist | Workshop Facilitator

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After trying everything to control Helen's misbehavior, Bruce finally gives up and turns her over to Mistress Bionca for 1 week. After trying everything to control Helen's misbehavior, Bruce finally gives up and turns her over to Mistress Bionca for 1 week. After trying everything to control Helen's misbehavior, Bruce finally gives up and turns her over to Mistress Bionca for 1 week.
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