Bound Fingered
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Bound Fingered
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There’s something undeniably arousing about being tied up or tying a partner up in the bedroom. Not only does it change the power structure, facilitating elements of domination and submission, but it also evokes powerful emotions. There’s an immense amount of vulnerability and trust required when sexually bound. These reasons (among others) help to explain why so many people fantasize about BDSM (remember, the B stands for “bondage”). In fact, a 93% of men and 96% of women have fantasized about some aspect of BDSM before.
So what are the best ways to use bondage during sex? If you’re someone who’s curious about bondage sex positions, you might have come across Shibari , a contemporary form of rope bondage that originated in Japan. (Sometimes, it’s also called Kinbaku or Japanese bondage.)
“Shibari is not inherently sexual,” explains Sydona , a Shibari artist and instructor; some people use it as a form of meditation or as a tool to feel intimate with a partner. However, Shibari can be sexual if you so choose. You can tie your partner up, and the two of you can go at it for hours in various positions. This piece is focused on all the fun, kinky sex you can have when either you or your partner is bound.
But before we continue, safety first! If you’ve never attempted Shibari, consider taking a course or one-on-one class with a professional , because tying someone up can be incredibly dangerous both physically and emotionally. And there are certain things you should never do—like use rope across the neck. This can lead to asphyxiation.
“The number one rule for tying safely is to ALWAYS have safety shears within reaching distance,” Sydona says. “The second is to be able to communicate to your partner well, both as both a top [person doing the tying] and bottom [person being tied]. Being able to communicate explicitly and coherently before, during, and after a session is what keeps it as safe and enjoyable as possible.”
With that said, here are 13 bondage sex positions you can try out with your partner. (You’ll notice the first two “positions” are actually two different types of standard Shibari ties that will allow you to complete every other position on the list.) In addition to speaking with Sydona, we also talked to world-renown, Shibari expert Midori . She's a sexologist, educator, and author of Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage . (Midori offers Shibari classes , if you want to learn more advanced knots than the ones offered on this list.)
All you really need to be able to bring bondage to the bedroom is a simple handcuff-style tie, Syonda says. "This is called a 'double column' tie—two loops around two 'columns' (usually two limbs) that doesn’t collapse or self tighten."
"In any tie, but particularly with ties involving the wrists, it’s important to make sure you have plenty of wiggle room between the skin and the rope, and that the tie can’t tighten down on itself," she says. "A tie that does this is both uncomfortable and unsafe and can potentially cause loss of circulation or nerve damage."
To actually complete the double column tie, place your "wrists a couple of inches apart, and then wrap around both wrists," Midori says. "Cross at the middle and wrap around the space between the wrists and then tie two overhand knots." (I know this can be a little confusing without a depiction, so check out this 2-minute tutorial on how to to do a double column tie.) Once you've mastered the double-column wrist tie, you can get creative with it!
"This is a Shibari classic with vast variations," Midori says. "For a super simple way to start, use one or two long ropes, perhaps 25 to 30 feet. Then tie their wrists together behind their back. Use the remaining rope and wrap that around the arms and body. First below the breasts or pecs, then over it. If you connect the check ropes between the arm and torso, you’ll be able to snug it down tightly."
You can play in numerous positions with this one. "It's great for full frontal access to nipples and genitals," Midori says. "It's super hot for face-down anal, too."
"Position your partner on their knees with their behind in the air and chest flat on the bed, floor, couch, etc.," Sydona says. "Pull their arms back and tie their wrists together behind their thighs to their ankles. If this is too tough on their neck, put a pillow under their chest."
While the image here is depicting oral stimulation, you can also do anal and vaginal penetration in this position.
"Bend their legs and tie the thigh and ankle together with an easy release two column tie; then repeat for the other leg," Midori says. It's optional to tie the wrists to the thighs, Midori adds. (That's what's depicted in the image.)
This position allows for "sexy vulnerability" and "access to all the bits" making it great for both giving and receiving oral pleasure. It's also really smooth to transition into bound doggy from this position.
In this position, the bottom's ankles are tied to a pole—make sure to use something that won't give anyone splinters—a PVC pipe could work here or even a long Swiffer handle. The bottom's wrists are tied together.
Midori notes that you feel "delightfully exposed" in this position, and it's "fantastic for bound penetration from behind."
Have your partner lie on their stomach for the hogtie. "Tie their ankles together and their wrists behind their back, then tie those to each other," Sydona says.
"While this isn’t a great position for penetration, it’s great for oral and sets the mood for a BDSM-type session. Don’t forget that this position can be very strenuous on your partner’s back and shoulders, so make sure you have a quick exit plan and check in often."
Lay on one side, and "Tie wrists together with a basic wrist tie. Tie the left ankle to the right thigh, using the same tie as the wrists. Then tie the left thigh to the left upper arm bicep. Make sure it’s not too tight," Midori says. "The body looks amazing in this position and it's hot for spooning sex from behind."
Have your partner sit in a chair and tie their ankles to each chair leg and their wrists behind their back. "This position is great for oral, using toys, or for a good ol’ fashioned interrogation role play," Sydona says. "Pro tip: make sure the back of the chair is against a wall or something stable, so you don’t accidentally push your partner over backward in the heat of the moment."
"Have your partner straddle a chair so their booty is just barely off the edge of the seat and rest their chest on the seat's back," Sydona says. "Tie their ankles to the legs of the chair and their wrists behind their back. This position is great for anal play."
(Note: For this position to work, you need to use a chair without arms. You also want to lean the chair against a wall or bed; you don't want the chair toppling over!)
"Have your partner lie flat on their back on a bed and tie their wrists and ankles to each corner," Sydona says. "For extra spice add a blindfold, and go to town. If you or your partner are new to bedroom bondage this is a great starting position. It's simple to tie, not particularly strenuous, and you can even buy user-friendly under-the-bed restraints if rope isn’t your style."
"Again have your partner lie flat on their back on the bed. Tie each ankle to each corner at the top of the bed, lifting their leg as high as is comfortable for them," Sydona says. "If this is too difficult, tie their thighs instead of their ankles, so they can bend their knees. This position is great for, well, everything."
"With your lover on their back, place a pole under their ankle, just above their heels," Midori says. "Tie each wrist and ankles to the pole, and [make sure to] tie loose enough for wriggle room and to prevent loss of circulation."
This position grants full access penetration to all the orifices, Midori adds.
The Group Project is a rope bondage position for when three people are involved . "Have your partners stand face-to-face with their arms around each other. Tie both partners’ wrists in a classic handcuff tie behind the back of the other," Sydona says.
"From here, you can take a voyeuristic role and watch an inevitable steamy makeout session, or alternate teasing each partner while the other watches at a very close range."
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Ro White
Ro White is a Chicago-based writer, sex educator, and Autostraddle’s Sex & Dating Editor.
Zachary Zane
Zachary Zane is a Brooklyn-based writer, speaker, and activist whose work focuses on lifestyle, sexuality, and culture. He was formerly the digital associate editor at OUT Magazine and currently has a queer cannabis column, Puff Puff YASS, at Civilized.
This content is created and maintained by a third party, and imported onto this page to help users provide their email addresses. You may be able to find more information about this and similar content at piano.io
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“Fingers are the sex toys we always have on us.” Amen.
Whether it's part of foreplay or the main event, fingering can be super pleasurable for people with a vulva—as long as it's done well. Bad digital stimulation isn't just a huge turn-off; it can also be incredibly painful! Fortunately, if you study up on vulva anatomy and communicate with your partner, you can improve your fingering technique.
First, let’s get clear on what exactly fingering is. “Fingering” can refer to any form of digital stimulation in or on a partner’s genitals, but when most people talk about “fingering,” they’re referring to digital vaginal stimulation. There are plenty of ways you can stimulate a partner’s vagina, but according to sex educator Tuck Malloy , fingers are your best tools.
“Many of us have more control over how to use our fingers than a toy or penis,” Malloy explains. “They are full of nerve endings, which makes them very good at feeling where things are and touching [vulvas] in specific ways.”
Every vulva is unique, and there's no one-size-fits-all method when it comes to fingering. Still, there are a few universal pointers that could help you literally take your partner’s pleasure into your own hands.
As sex educator Luna Matatas says, “Fingers are the sex toys we always have on us.” So put them to use! Here’s how to get better at fingering.
Let’s start with a brief anatomy lesson. The vulva is made up of the pubic mound, the inner labia, the outer labia, the clitoris, the vaginal opening, and the perineum. These areas are all sensitive to touch, but there are a couple of pleasure centers that respond particularly well to digital stimulation: the clitoris and the G-spot.
The clitoris has around 8,000 nerve endings , which is roughly double the number in a penis, and it’s probably larger than you think. Most people are familiar with the tiny nub at the top of the vulva (that’s the clitoral glans), but most of the clitoris is actually underneath the skin. The full structure runs along the sides of the vulva and extends up to five inches inside the body. You can stimulate the clitoris externally by stroking the glans or by gently pressing against the vulva, or you can stimulate it from inside the vagina by finding the G-spot.
According to a 2022 editorial published in the Sexual Medicine Reviews Journal, the G-spot is a pleasure center where five different structures meet: the clitoral crura; the clitoral bulb; the peri-urethral glands; the urethra; and the anterior vaginal wall. This area is about two inches inside the vagina on the front of the vaginal wall. You can find your partner’s G-spot by inserting one or two fingers when your partner is aroused and curling them towards the front of your partner’s body. If you feel a bump or a spongy texture, you’re in the right place!
The clitoris and the G-spot are the most well-known pleasure centers for vulva owners, but each person’s body is unique. Your partner might respond best to deep penetration, indirect clitoral stimulation, nipple stimulation, or something else. The best way to find their sweet spots is to pay attention to their physical and verbal cues.
Now that you know your way around your partner’s vulva and vagina, you’re ready to start fingering!
No one wants your Dorito dust in their vagina! Before you start fingering your partner, wash your hands. “The vagina has its own bacterial ecosystem,” Matatas explains. “We want to reduce external bacteria the best we can.” Make sure your nails are trimmed and filed to avoid causing cuts or abrasions.
“It's always beneficial to start a sexual encounter with a check-in about any specific desires or limitations,” Malloy says. Even in the context of a long-term relationship, your partner’s body might crave different sensations on different days.
Don’t forget to maintain communication during sex, too. “Affirm that feedback is great, and show your enthusiasm for getting to discover how their body is going to respond,” Matatas says.
This is also a great time to check in with your partner about safer sex practices. If fingering is the only sex act on the menu, the risk of spreading or contracting an STI is low, but it’s not zero. If you have multiple partners, if one of you lives with a chronic STI, or if it’s been a while since either of you has been tested for STIs, wearing latex or nitrile gloves will ensure the safest possible fingering experience.
Going right for your partner’s clitoris or vagina might be a turn-off. “Lots of people find this to be a bit of a shock to their system,” Malloy says. Take some time to kiss and caress your partner before you get down to business. The more turned on your partner gets, the more sensitive their vulva will be.
If your partner is a life-long vulva-owner, then their vagina might get moist when they’re turned on, but a little extra lubrication might make fingering more comfortable. “Lube inside and outside can reduce friction, which reduces stress on the vulva skin and vaginal tissue,” Matatas says.
A 2011 study found that in addition to making penetration easier, using lube actually enhances sexual pleasure for vulva-owners. Just make sure to check in with your partner about their lube preferences and allergies to specific ingredients before you lube up.
Remember that if your partner needs lubrication, it doesn’t mean they’re turned off by you or by the sex you’re having together. Medication, hormonal imbalances, menopause, stress, and dehydration can all decrease the vagina’s natural lubrication, and vulva-owners who have had gender confirmation surgery might produce very little lubrication or none at all. Plus, people with tight pelvic floor muscles or vaginal scar tissue might find that penetration is painful without additional lube. Some bodies just need a little help to slip n’ slide, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Before you dip into your partner’s vagina, focus on their clitoris and vulva. Of course, you can use your mouth if your partner enjoys oral sex, but your fingers might offer a little more versatility.
“Fingers are nimble—you can get into crevices, like the sides of the clitoris and labia, and you can adjust pressure and speed really easily,” Matatas says.
Gently stroke your partner's labia, run a finger in circles around their clitoris, or provide direct clitoral stimulation if your partner wants a more intense sensation. You can also let your part grind against your palm or thigh to engage the crura, or the “legs” of the clitoris, which run along both sides of the vulva.
Once your partner is ready for vaginal penetration, be gentle and start shallow with a single finger. You only have to insert your finger about two inches to reach your partner’s G-spot.
“Start with sliding one finger in slowly with the pad of your fingers rubbing along the front wall of the vagina towards the belly button,” Matatas says. Feel for tissue that’s spongy and firm. Once you’re in the right area, Malloy recommends pressing your finger towards your partner’s pubic bone in a “come hither” motion. Add more pressure, more speed, or more fingers if your partner asks for that, or try some gentle thrusting.
Consistent G-spot stimulation might facilitate squirting , which happens when vulva-owners release fluid through the urethra. If your partner already has experience with squirting or wants to try it out, throw down a towel and go for it. And remember— it’s not pee !
Some bodies prefer shallow stimulation, but if your partner craves a fuller sensation, use your longest fingers to thrust deeper. Deeper penetration might stimulate your partner’s anterior fornix, or A-spot , an erogenous zone about four to six inches inside the vagina on the front of the vaginal wall.
To find your partner’s A-spot, move your fingers a few inches past their G-spot and gently press against different parts of their vaginal wall. If your partner physically or verbally responds with pleasure when you stimulate a specific area, stay put and keep going! If you’re having trouble finding your partner’s internal pleasure centers, Matatas recommends holding your fingers still while your partner thrusts against them.
If your partner likes lots of pressure and girth, you can also try giving them your whole hand . “Fisting can successfully stimulate many different sensitive areas in the vaginal canal at the same time, leading to intense, full body pleasure,” Malloy says.
If your partner wants to try fisting, make sure they’re adequately warmed up (a.k.a. you two have been going at it for a while) and use lots of lube. Press all of your fingers together in a “duck bill” shape and slowly insert them inside your partner’s vagina. It’s important
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