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Zachary Zane is a Brooklyn-based writer, speaker, and activist whose work focuses on lifestyle, sexuality, culture, and entertainment.

Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D.
Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D.

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BDSM, age play, furries, and cuckolding... just to name a few.
So you like it when your partner spreads your limbs, ties you to the bedposts , and talks dirty to you. In case you were wondering, you're not alone: People are pretty kinky, according to the latest sex research.
There are lots of different kinks out there, and it can be tough to measure how common they are. But a 2017 study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that nearly 50% of the general population has tried some form of BDSM in their lives. ( Bondage, Dominance, Sadism, and Masochism is hardly the kinkiest kink out there, but it's among the most common.)
While there isn't a general consensus on how often people engage in kinky activity , there is one for how often people fantasize about kinks. A lot of the fantasy research comes from Justin Lehmiller, PhD, a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute. For his book, Tell Me What You Want (now available in paperback) , he surveyed 4,175 Americans aged 18-87 about their sexual fantasies, and found out exactly which kinks people are dreaming about the most.
Just because you fantasize about a certain kink, it doesn't mean you actually want to act on it, Lehmiller notes. “If a fantasy is non-consensual or poses an unacceptable risk of harm, it shouldn’t ever be acted on,” he explains. “Keep in mind that fantasy and reality are two different things, and some fantasies are best left as fantasies.”
Below, in his own words, Lehmiller spells out the most common kinks and fetishes he came across in his research.
Bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, and sadism/masochism (BDSM) is the most fantasized about kink. I found that 93% of men and 96% of women had fantasized about some aspect of BDSM before. BDSM obviously reflects a wide spectrum of behaviors, from mild to wild, and most people are at the more mild end, with fantasies about taking on dominant or submissive roles, tying up a partner or being tied up, and engaging in light sadomasochism (think spanking and biting) being the most common.
People are drawn to BDSM for multiple reasons. For some, it’s simply an escape from the confines of traditional gender roles. For others, it’s about an escape from self-awareness or exploring other sides of the self. For yet others, it’s about the appeal of the taboo, trying something new, or a craving for intense stimulation.
Fetish fantasies involve a focus on specific objects (like boots or stockings) or non-genital body parts (like feet or armpits). I found that 45% of my participants reported having had a fetish fantasy before, with men reporting more such fantasies than women.
The single most common fetish fantasy involved feet, with about 1 in 7 adults saying they’d had a fantasy before in which feet or toes played a significant role.
Psychologists believe that most fetishes are learned—through experience, we start to develop associations between certain objects/body parts and sexual arousal. However, there can also be a taboo element to them, as well as an overlap with BDSM, such as when someone fantasizes about another person stepping or walking all over them.
Many people reported fantasies in which specific body fluids played a big role. Unsurprisingly, male and female ejaculate were the most common, with a majority of men and women having fantasized about them before. However, other body fluids appeared with some frequency, too.
For example, 45% of men and 35% of women had fantasies involving spit, 31% of men and 14% of women had fantasies involving breast milk, 32% of men and 15% of women had fantasies involving urine, and 6% of men and 2% of women had fantasies involving feces.
In many of the fantasies involving body fluids, they were used in an act of dominance/submission, so that seems to be a big part of the appeal here.
Fantasies about watching someone else undress or have sex are very common. In fact, 60% of my participants reported having fantasized about this before, although men had more voyeurism fantasies than did women.
Voyeurism is appealing to many because we are very visual creatures when it comes to sex—it’s sort of like watching real-life porn. However, voyeurism fantasies often involve sneaking around, too, so part of the appeal might be the thrill of doing something you’re not supposed to.
A lot of people fantasize about putting on a show. Specifically, 42% of my participants reported having a fantasy about publicly exposing themselves or having sex in front of an audience. I distinguished between consensual and non-consensual exhibitionism in my survey, and the 42% figure refers to cases where there is a consenting audience.
About 10% of my participants had fantasized about the non-consensual form, such as when they flash a stranger or masturbate in public.
Consensual exhibitionism fantasies are likely driven by a few things—amping up the excitement by having spectators and knowing that other people find you attractive or sexy.
Non-consensual exhibitionism is a totally different thing—that’s often driven by a desire to shock or offend someone else.
Some of my participants fantasized about taking on different roles and ages. For example, 11% had fantasized about dressing up and/or acting as a child.
I found a lot of overlap between these fantasies and BDSM because they often involved themes of dominance/submission and/or humiliation, so these fantasies are often just a variant of deeper BDSM interests.
About 9% of my participants said they had fantasized about dressing up as an animal to have sex.
Furry fantasies were related to a broader tendency to change oneself in one’s sexual fantasies, which suggests that they might often be about psychological escape. Many of us become different people—and sometimes different creatures—in our fantasies because it provides an escape from self-awareness, allowing you to focus more on sex rather than yourself.
However, furry fantasies might also be appealing for some as a form of novelty and adventure.
A lot of cisgender people use their fantasies as a way of exploring their gender role and/or expression. For example, I found that about 1 in 4 cis persons had fantasized about cross-dressing, while about 1 in 3 had fantasized about trading bodies with someone of another sex.
These fantasies are sometimes about a desire to break free of traditional gender roles or to explore the self; however, there was also a lot of overlap with BDSM. For example, several men reported what they described as “forced feminization” fantasies, in which a partner “forces” them to dress as a woman.
Fantasies about watching your partner have sex with someone else are very common, especially among men. In fact, I found that 58% of men and 33% of women had fantasized about this before.
Cuckolding fantasies can be appealing for a number of reasons. For some, it’s about self-enhancement—knowing that other people find their partner to be hot actually boosts their self-esteem. For others, it’s about wanting to see their partner sexually satisfied—they take pleasure in their partner’s pleasure. And for yet others, there’s a BDSM element—in many of these fantasies, the watcher is taking on a submissive role and is sometimes humiliated in the process.
It turns out that a lot of people are into the idea of incorporating food with sex . About 40% of my participants had fantasized about this before.
Most commonly, this included things like ice cubes, strawberries, and whipped cream.
The appeal of mixing food and sex is partly about novelty, or the desire to try new and different things. But it’s also about adding new sensations, tastes, and textures.
However, there is sometimes also a fetishistic element to the use of food, and sometimes a BDSM element—foods are sometimes used in a dominant/submissive or humiliating way.

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Turned on by insects? Yeah, that's a thing.
You've definitely heard of foot fetishes and bondage. But, there's basically a bottomless well of things that turn people on.
You’ll often hear people refer to these interests as sexual kinks or fetishes . But what exactly are fetishes and sexual kinks? And why do people have them?
Sex therapist Kelifern Pomeranz, PsyD, says that all fetishes are kinks, but not all kinks are fetishes. “A fetish is a sexual attraction to inanimate objects, body parts, or situations not commonly viewed as being sexual in nature, [while] a kink is a broader term that includes a variety of sexual interests, behaviors, preferences, and fantasies that are thought to be outside of the mainstream.”
According to Justin Lehmiller, PhD, a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and the author of Tell Me What You Want , fetishes and unusual sexual interests develop gradually. A person might see a particular stimulus—like, say, a boot—while they're sexually aroused, and eventually come to associate arousal with boots.
Or, Lehmiller says, grouping an object or body part together with orgasm might prompt a person to seek out that same object or body part in the future because the brain expects the same reward. ( Orgasms , of course, floods the brain with dopamine, the neurotransmitter that regulates motivation and pleasure.)
Fetishes get stigmatized because they're reasonably rare. Plus, there's a lot of sexual shame in our culture. And they often involve impulses that puzzle the masses: Bees all over your genitals? Unbounded attraction to vomit? But the brain wants what it wants.
If you’re interested in exploring a kink or sexual fetish with your partner, communication is key. “Set aside time for this conversation when you are both relaxed and when you are getting along," Pomeranz suggests.
And make sure to come informed: “Do your research and share well-informed and reliable information. Share articles, videos, books, and information from sex researchers, academics, educators, and therapists normalizing and supporting your interest.” You essentially want to put their fears and anxieties at ease. Exploring any type of sexual kink or fetish will always require consent and patience.
It's okay if it's a bit awkward at first, says Holly Richmond , PhD, a certified sex therapist based in New York. "People can get in their heads about whether it's weird, but let yourself off the hook about any judgments." As long as it's consensual and pleasurable, you're doing it right.
If you want to learn more about different forms of sexual play, here’s a list of 21 sexual kinks and fetishes you may not have heard about before.
Cuckolding is a form of BDSM and power play, says Richmond.
The act calls for one person to watch their partner have sex with someone else or listen to stories about their partner having sex with someone else. The goal here is usually humiliation. The person watching or listening is turned on by their partner desiring someone else over them. They enjoy the stimulation of being cheated on and experimenting with an act that's considered taboo.
And while it's not a rule, cuckolding typically involves a man whose woman partner, whether that's a wife or girlfriend, has sex with another man and cosplays desiring the other man over her husband or boyfriend.
This turn-on is one experienced by people who find enemas arousing, says Richmond. A Greek term, klismaphilia, refers to the pleasure someone experiences from relieving themselves while using an enema, they enjoy the pressurized feeling. For others, it's the feeling or knowledge of having their bowels cleaned. And in other cases, it's all about giving someone an enema or preparing the body for an enema. Most klismaphiles discover their fetish after having a doctor-recommended enema in childhood.
"If someone has a fetish for nylons it means they're attracted to someone wearing nylons or putting them on," says Richmond. "The tactile part turns them on."
Men usually, she says, report enjoying the feeling of sitting on their mothers' laps and feeling her nylons underneath their legs. For others, they felt pleasure watching someone put nylons on in a film, and sometimes people just enjoy the feeling of putting them on or peeling them off.
This one's exactly what it sounds like—some people are aroused by pregnant people. The starting point is usually porn, says Richmond. There are numerous sections on popular porn websites dedicated to it—even dating websites dedicated to men connecting with pregnant women.
But sometimes, simply seeing expecting mothers, particularly during childhood, is what sets things off. An older sibling watching their mother preparing to deliver their younger sibling can manifest itself into this fetish later in life.
And what people consider pleasurable about pregnancy differs. For some, it's the "glow" pregnant women have. Sometimes, is seeing a large round belly (the bigger the better) and heavy breasts filled with milk (more on that fetish later). And for others, is the fact that it seems taboo—though pregnant women can have sex.
Considering how mainstream whips have become in media portrayals of kink and fetishism, this one might not be so surprising.
Richmond recommends, however, starting slowly if you're new to using whips. This kind of power and punishment play is really fun, but can get painful very quickly if you and your partner don't talk it out first. Ask where they'd like to be whipped and discuss a scale to assess pain, 10 being the hardest whip and 1 being the softest.
It's also a good idea to come up with a safe word other than "stop." Go for something totally random that you'd never say during sex. Maybe try: "sticker" or "asphalt."
Wax play is another common part of BDSM often depicted least on television, books, and film.
It involves dripping wax onto someone or having wax dripped on you, says Richmond. The biggie here is using appropriate candles. The scented ones you've got around your house will likely not do the trick and might even burn you or your partner. Opt for paraffin or soy candles that slowly pool wax as they burn and don't instantly harden when poured onto the body—this way you can have bit of fun moving the wax around before it stiffens.
Carole Queen, PhD, and author of The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone describes bondage as a type of activity where you restrain your partner with things like rope, non-stick tape, or cuffs. "Bondage is a trust exercise above all, and can be done for its own sake—Japanese bondage, in particular, is aesthetically beautiful and sexy to do—or to add to other kinds of sensation, from intercourse to spanking and more," says Queen.
She warns, however, that it should be practiced with caution as any kind of bondage that is too tight is not only uncomfortable but can cause permanent nerve damage. To make sure you're practicing bondage safely, it's best to school yourself on best practices and most importantly set boundaries to ensure the safety of all those involved in the practice. One common practice is the use of a safe word , which signals that the bo
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