Bondage Contract
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Bondage Contract
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We can all learn about how to be a better partner by exploring the way BDSM relationships work. I discovered that it is a world of respect and affection, which is not something that is typically associated with the BDSM lifestyle. It is a deep level of commitment and care between two (or more) people that takes a great deal of time to cultivate. Sex is part of it, but a true Dominant/submissive relationship looks at the person as a whole. The mind and mental well-being of both people is as important as all of the sexy bits.
The world of BDSM has a ton of working parts. When the general public thinks of a BDSM relationship, thoughts typically drift to the sex act. The whips, chains, ropes, and punishments. If you take a closer look though, it’s about so much more than that. The relationship between a Dominant and a submissive is complicated and goes far beyond what goes on in the bedroom, or playroom. It is a lifestyle that thrives only trust and communication. It needs boundaries. It requires honesty and openness.
The basics of being in a Dom/sub relationship seems to be fairly straightforward: one person in control of the other, the person giving up control does so for pleasure of both parties, the person in control takes care of the person they have control over. Easy enough, right? My only exposure to the idea of having a contract for this agreement was in the film Fifty Shades of Grey . It was most definitely a poor example; however, it was a way to be introduced to the dynamic. And while it makes sense to have some sort of agreement where this type of arrangement is concerned, the variety of contracts is as wide as the variety of people in the world.
Admittedly, I am a novice and I’ve only dipped my toe in this pool of Doms and subs. I know that I am a submissive . I have a natural tendency to please. When I am serving others, I am at my happiest. I’m in control of so many things all day. I’m thrilled at the thought of someone making some of my decisions and caring for me, not because I can’t, but because they recognize my need to have someone care for me.
The cornerstone of the BDSM relationship is trust. The Dominant is given a large amount of responsibility for the care and safety of the submissive and the submissive trusts that the Dominant has their best interests at heart. Non-BDSM relationships can go from vanilla conversations to sex or the other way around easily. BDSM relationships are different. They almost have an old school courtship feel to them. It is not something two people rush into and the variables that are to be considered take a comfort and a familiarity with the other person to discuss them without fear of rejection. In order to establish that trust and to maintain it, communication is key. As a submissive, I need this communication and reassurance. I need to know my fears, likes, needs, and wants are listened to and understood. I have found that to be satisfied, I need to know my Dominant is pleased with me and wants to support me as I become the best version of myself. That he wants me to see myself as he sees me. We both have boundaries and expectations. This is where the contract comes into play.
The BDSM contract sets the parameters and expectations for all of the parties in the relationship. Contracts will contain the basics. For example, who is included and what their role is, where the scenes will happen, and when. A scene is the sexual encounter, which can include intercourse, but doesn’t always have to. The contracts will additionally state more specific details such as safe words and limitations. This communication is critical to avoid misunderstandings and potentially hurt feelings; everyone knows what to expect.
When you think about contracts, you think of some sort agreement that is difficult to break. As I researched for this article, I found a wide variety of contracts to use as samples or templates. Some were extremely formal, full of legalese and spots for initials and signatures. A few of the samples even included spots for a Notary to sign, verifying the identity of the couple. Others were simpler with a list of key points to be discussed by both parties. The major points of all of the samples I found were these:
I get it, the list is long and the obvious things you’d expect to be in the contract are included. However, as I went down the rabbit hole, I quickly realized why. Each of the seventeen points I listed above can be broken down even further (and that’s not even the most comprehensive list I found). A Dominant may prefer their submissive is polite, always uses proper manners, and follows proper etiquette (that goes under submissive’s responsibilities). What is the submissive giving up control of? How much control are they giving up?
Is the contract finite and unchangeable? No. The people in the relationship should check in and discuss after playtime what worked and what didn’t. It should always be open for negotiation and discussion to ensure both people are satisfied. What I find to be the best part about the contract in general is that it requires constant communication and checking in. As a submissive, I need to know I am pleasing my Dominant. A contract eliminates the guess work and enables me to please and serve.
When I set out on this quest, I took to my Twitter friends and did a poll . I asked, “For those who have had a BDSM relationship, did you have a contract?” Much to my surprise, nearly 78% did not feel the need to have a formal contract written up. In the comments section, those who responded no agreed for the need of some sort of verbal agreement to be made. All of the expectations must be discussed and agreed upon before any playtime can happen. This protects everyone involved.
Verbal contracts tend to be the most common. The most popular reason for a verbal contract is that they are easily modified and don’t feel as restrictive. This type of contract is the result of conversations and discussions of the basics of the agreement. The specifics can vary as the couple deems fit. Written contracts are far more detailed. Everything is spelled out. They are more formal and for some people, like me, the written contract is comforting because I can go and read it over at any time. I know what is expected and what is not.
The depth of the contract can be included into other aspects of life. Some contracts are limited to the scene; what will actually be permitted to happen during the sexual encounter. Others go as far as into everyday life. The 24-7 contract goes into detail about the minutiae of daily life. It details everything the sub will be expected to do. Some call this typical 1950’s behavior. In the 24-7 contract, the Dominant will dictate most everything for the submissive, including but not limited to what they wear, how often they bathe, how often they shave, how much they shave, chores, childcare, etc.
A friend of mine has this type of contract with her husband. We had always joked about how she’s a 1950’s housewife, complete with asking her husband’s permission for most everything. After I came to her to ask about the BDSM lifestyle, she told me about their contract. They haven’t looked at it in a long time. She actually had to dig it out to talk to me about it, but she knows that she can tear it up at any time ending the BDSM part of their relationship. Some people may see this arrangement as a hindrance, but my sweet friend is flourishing. She’s happy and well cared for. Her independence is encouraged. She is responsible for the normal domestic chores and he dotes on her. He provides for her every want and every need. She enjoys being his. It’s extraordinarily sweet and is what works for them.
Some BDSM couples have contracts for playtime only. They could outline what will happen before, during, and after a scene. Again, the type of contract will depend on the couple.
A BDSM contract is not a legal document. It is not enforceable in court. It represents the commitment between two (or more) people and, at its very core, it’s agreement to be committed to having discussions about needs, wants, fears, and expectations without judgement. As I searched out this information, I spoke with a Dominant and he told me there is a ceremony involved sometimes too, and that the contract can be a part of it. The idea of ceremony was something hadn’t come to my mind at all.
This type of relationship isn’t a one-night stand or something that is haphazardly rushed into. It’s a relationship built over time. After getting to know each other, the Dom takes their time building up the sub; their confidence, their trust. They take their time building a safe place for the sub. The sub must decide if the Dom is the right Dom for them and vice-versa.
The contract can be part of a collaring, where the Dom and Sub commit to each other, kind of like a wedding ceremony. There are various stages of collaring from collars of consideration to a slave collar. The collar is a physical representation of the contract between the couple. Some even make the comparison of the collar to a promise ring, then engagement ring, and finally a wedding ring.
Relationships are unique and the only people that can make the determination if any sort of contract is needed are the people involved. They are the only ones who know the ins and outs of the relationship. They are the ones who decide what can and should happen between them and what they are comfortable with.
To me, the contract is akin to more detailed marriage vows. Marriage is a serious commitment that should not be entered into without serious consideration. The same rings true for a BDSM relationship. In my opinion, the stakes are just as high, if not higher because the emotional and mental well-being of the submissive is in the hands of the Dominant. It is a sacred trust and if trust is broken, the long-term emotional health side effects can take years to recover from. A Dominant will care for and be affectionate towards their submissive, not just be domineering over them. The contrast of the sweet care and bossiness appeals to me.
Personally, I thought this would be a relatively simple piece to research and write about. But what I found instead was a plethora of information that helped guide me to be a better sub, to help me better understand what this level of commitment means, and what a Dominant needs. Reading about all the different types of things that a Dominant and submissive have to agree on and discuss was eye opening. I realized sex isn’t the only purpose, which opened my eyes to what a BDSM relationship is. This isn’t simply some kinky out on the edge of society thing; a BDSM relationship is a solid relationship built on trust and communication. It’s about caring and listening. It’s what every couple should strive for.
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