Bondage And Submission
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Bondage And Submission
A Beginner's Guide On How To Be A Good Submissive
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By Kinkly — Written on Oct 10, 2020
In the realm of BDSM relationships , a submissive is an individual who willingly relinquishes control to another person, usually to satisfy a sexual urge. If you're here reading this, chances are the thought of submitting to another person has piqued your interest or has even gotten your sexual juices flowing, so to speak.
Don't worry, you're not weird. Far from it, really. In fact, sexual submissiion is one of the most common fantasies .
— 1.8% of sexually active people (2.2% of men, 1.3% of women) said they had been involved in BDSM in the previous year.
— 12% of women and 22% of men reported erotic response to an S/M story.
— 56% of women and 50% of men reported having responded erotically to being bitten.
Clearly, for many people, the fantasy of being ordered around, spanked, and generally coerced to perform sexual acts can seem thrilling. The question for those who haven't actually done it, however, is where to start. And if you want to be a submissive, what do you really need to know?
Becoming a submissive is not a decision that should be made lightly. Before you decide to take the plunge and put yourself at the mercy of another, educate yourself on all things submission.
First, some excellent books have been written on the subject of submission and dominance, and there are some very valuable online communities that cater to both veterans and novices. The Ultimate Guide to Kink by Tristan Taormino provides an educated look at the topic, while SM 101 by Jay Wiseman provides the fundamentals of safe, sane S/M.
Another way to learn more about what it's like to become a submissive is to attend a "munch." A munch (short for "burger munch") is a casual social gathering for individuals interested in the dominant/submissive lifestyle. Attending these gatherings is a great way to connect with experienced individuals and learn more about the lifestyle .
Not surprisingly, submissive behavior typically comes very naturally to true submissives. But how can you tell if you're a true submissive?
Generally, true submissives have a desire to please a more dominant person and may even be turned on by the thought of being humiliated or overpowered. But don't think for a second that all submissives bend to everyone's whims in their everyday lives. Some submissives are individuals in truly powerful positions who simply want a release from their responsibilities from time to time.
On the flip side, however, if submitting to another person turns you off, being a submissive probably isn't for you. Instead, you could look into becoming a dominant or even a switch (someone who participates in BDSM as both a dominant and a submissive).
Finally, ask yourself honestly why you want to become a submissive. Is it because you truly enjoy the idea of relinquishing power to a dominant person? Or is it because your partner wants to dominate you? Remember, dominant/submissive relationships must always be consensual. Never become a submissive if you feel that you're being pressured into it.
There are a few different distinct levels of dominance and submission. Some people, for instance, simply use dominance and submission to add a little spice to their sex lives. This typically includes fantasy role-playing in the bedroom from time to time, with some light spanking , dirty talk or bondage.
Part-time submissives find that the submissive lifestyle is a much more important part of their lives. They may transform into a submissive during certain times, such as during sex or when visiting a BDSM club. They will often invest in outfits and other props, but won't usually let their role interfere with other areas of their lives.
Full-time submissives, on the other hand, are usually the hard-core players in the BDSM game. These types of submissives may even be looking to live in a full-time dominant/submissive relationship. They will usually relinquish all control to their dominate in most if not all areas of their lives. Many of these relationships also involve signed contracts.
As with all things in life, when it comes to dominance and submission, it's usually best to start small and work your way up. Maybe try a little fantasy role-playing before you completely submit to a full-time dominant.
Does the thought of being caned make you want to cower in the corner? Do handcuffs and spreader bars raise your hackles? As you delve into the world of dominance and submission, you're bound to come across more than a few things that test your comfort zone.
You know what we're talking about — the things that make you go "Yikes!" Don't let these things turn you off of submission completely, though. Keep in mind that just because others enjoy something doesn't mean that you have to. Know your limits and stand firm.
While communication is important in any relationship, it's absolutely essential in a dominant/submissive relationship. Now's not the time to be shy; if you're uncomfortable with the thought of sharing your innermost sexual desires and turn-offs it can really affect your safety, not to mention whether your enjoy your encounters.
As a submissive, you must be willing and able to openly communicate with your partner or partners to ensure that all sex play is truly consensual. Before a scene or relationship begins, you and your partners should share your wants, desires, and sexual fantasies. However, it is equally important to make your partners aware of any turn-offs and limits you may have. Make your limits known and set boundaries as soon as possible.
In recent years, the term "safe, sane and consensual" has become something of a motto for the BDSM community and BDSM play. If you're looking into BDSM play for the first time, or even if you're a hardened veteran, safety should be a number one priority.
To be clear, whether you're flogging someone or submitting them to some other delicious torture, there is an element of danger or potential harm in any BDSM activity. Always take the time to learn how to properly and safely use any toys and props, and always establish a safeword before beginning any BDSM play.
This simple word or phrase can be spoken by a submissive at any time they want to slow down or stop a scene, no questions asked. Of course, words like "stop" and "no" should also be avoided when choosing a safeword, since they can often be used to heighten the excitement during a scene.
If you're willing to take that first step into a dominant/submissive relationship, it's imperative that you're able to distinguish fantasy from reality. Unless you have another arrangement, you and your dominant should keep in mind that your role-playing is just that: playing.
Don't let your dominant's words and actions get to you, and maintain your self-respect. However, remember that unless you communicate with your dominant, he or she will simply assume that you're satisfied with how your relationship is going. Of course, if your partner doesn't respect you enough to stop overstepping your limits, respect yourself enough to end the relationship.
Don't expect to read a few articles on the Internet and then be able to call yourself a submissive. No matter how eager you are to learn and experiment, you won't become a submissive overnight. Becoming a true submissive takes a great deal of time and patience. In fact, many submissives may even go through a formal "training" period, which can take months or even years.
And if you do decide to open this new chapter in your life, have fun with it. You may choose to close it in the future, or it may become a big part of who you are. Either way, learn what you can from the experience and, most importantly, enjoy it.
CJ Edwards is a freelance writer nestled in the beautiful hills of Pennsylvania. After a much too long stint as a bartender, she began her career in 2010. Since then, she has written thousands of articles and blog posts on dozens of topics, ranging from home improvement to income tax to naughty tidbits.
This article was originally published at Kinkly . Reprinted with permission from the author.
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Key points
Research suggests that a substantial minority of women and men fantasize about or engage in BDSM.
BDSM activities may involve physical restriction, administration of pain, and sexual behavior.
BDSM has been said to produce pleasurable altered states of consciousness, which might be one of the motivations for those who practice it.
Alison, L., Santtila, P., Sandnabba, N. K., & Nordling, N. (2001). Sadomasochistically-oriented behavior: Diversity in practice and meaning. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 30, 1–12.
Ambler, J. K., Lee, E. M., Klement, K., R., Loewald, T., Comber, E., Hanson, S. A., Cutler, B., Cutler, N. & Sagarin, B. J. (under review). Sadomasochism as a path to altered states of consciousness.
Connolly, P. H. (2006). Psychological functioning of bondage/domination/sado-masochism (BDSM) practitioners. Journal of Psychology and Human Sexuality, 18, 79-120.
Csikszentmihalyi, M. (1991). Flow: The psychology of optimal experience. New York: Harper Collins.
Dietrich, A. (2003). Functional neuroanatomy of altered states of consciousness: The transient hypofrontality hypothesis. Consciousness and Cognition, 12, 231-256.
Joyal, C. C., Cossette, A., & Lapierre, V. (2015). What exactly is an unusual sexual fantasy? Journal of Sexual Medicine, 12, 328-340.
Moser, C., & Levitt, E. E. (1987). An exploratory-descriptive study of a sadomasochistically oriented sample. Journal of Sex Research, 23, 322–337.
Richters, J., de Visser, R. O., Rissel, C. E., Grulich, A. E., & Smith, A. M. A. (2008). Journal of Sexual Medicine, 5, 1660-1668.
Sagarin, B. J., Cutler, B., Cutler, N., Lawler-Sagarin, K. A., & Matuszewich, L. (2009). Hormonal changes and couple bonding in consensual sadomasochistic activity. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 38, 186-200.
Wiseman, J. (1996). SM 101: A realistic introduction. San Francisco: Greenery Press.
Wismeijer, A. A. J. & van Assen, M. A. L. M. (2013). Psychological characteristics of BDSM practitioners. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 10, 1943-1952.
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There are many temptations to organize our life around the experience of earlier trauma. But that may short-change the future—which starts by our envisioning something better.
Posted February 5, 2015
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Reviewed by Lybi Ma
By Brad Sagarin, Ph.D., guest contributor
“A pervert is anybody kinkier than you are.” (Wiseman, 1996, p. 23).
The novel Fifty Shades of Grey introduced BDSM into polite public discourse. Since its publication, hallowed papers such as The New York Times have published articles on bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. Harvard University now hosts a student group for undergraduates interested in consensual S&M. And Cosmo ’s sex tips have taken a distinctly kinky turn.
With the Fifty Shades movie now coming to theaters, it seems like a good time to take stock of what we know, scientifically, about BDSM: Who does this stuff? What do they do? And what effects do these activities have on the people who do them?
According to researchers, the number likely falls somewhere between 2 percent and 62 percent. That’s right: Somewhere between 2 percent and 62 percent. A pollster who published numbers like that should be looking for a new job. But when you’re asking people about their sex habits, the wording of the question makes all the difference.
On the low end, Juliet Richters and colleagues (2008) asked a large sample of Australians whether they had “been involved in B&D or S&M” in the past 12 months. Only 1.3 percent of women and 2.2 percent of men said yes.
On the high end, Christian Joyal and colleagues (2015) asked over 1,500 women and men about their sexual fantasies . 64.6 percent of women and 53.3 percent of men reported fantasies about being dominated sexually—and 46.7 percent of women and 59.6 percent of men reported fantasies about dominating someone sexually. Overall, we can probably conclude that a substantial minority of women and men do fantasize about or engage in BDSM.
For Freud , the answer was a clear yes: Anyone interested in S&M was in need of treatment—treatment that, by fine coincidence, he and his contemporaries were qualified to provide.
But recent research tells a different story.
Pamela Connolly compared BDSM practitioners to published norms on 10 psychological disorders. Compared to the normative samples, BDSM practitioners had lower levels of depression , anxiety , post- traumatic stress disorder ( PTSD ), psychological sadism, psychological masochism, borderline pathology, and paranoia . (They showed equal levels of obsessive-compulsive disorder and higher levels of dissociation and narcissism .)
Similarly, Andreas Wismeijer and Marcel van Assen compared BDSM practitioners to non-BDSM-practitioners on major personality traits. Their results showed that in comparison to non-practitioners, BDSM practitioners exhibited higher levels of extraversion , conscientiousness , openness to experience , and subjective well-being. Practitioners also showed lower levels of neuroticism and rejection sensitivity . The one negative trait that emerged? BDSM practitioners showed lower levels of agreeableness than non-practitioners.
This is not to say that everyone into sadism or masochism is doing so for psychologically healthy reasons. The latest version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) still includes Sexual Sadism Disorder and Sexual Masochism Disorder as potential diagnoses. But a diagnosis now requires the interest or activities to cause “clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning” (or to be done with a non-consenting partner). BDSM between consentin
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