Bog Penises

Bog Penises
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Andrew Daniels
Andrew Daniels is the Senior Editor for Popular Mechanics.

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Believe it or not, there are downsides to packing a python.
There was Willie Jordan, flanked by a dozen friends and a few curious strangers in the back corner of a dimly lit pub.
“Get it out, get it out!” the rowdy spectators screamed. “Not here, not tonight,” Jordan answered. He liked this bar, and he didn’t want to get banned for performing his party trick.
Nonsense, they said, as they formed an ironclad circle around Jordan to protect him. He had found himself in this situation so many times before, and he knew when it was time to admit defeat.
So Jordan took a breath, carefully unbuttoned his pants, and pulled out his penis.
The audience erupted, delighted to catch a front-row glimpse of the biggest penis in Newcastle. It was a legendary penis in the North East England town, and its owner had become a quasi-celebrity because of it.
In his 20s, Jordan ate up the attention, showing off his super-sized schlong to whoever wanted to see it—and as rumors spread, his crowds ballooned.
“I understand human curiosity,” he says. “If I had a friend who had six or seven fingers on each hand, or two heads, I’d be curious to see them, too.”
But Jordan was now pushing 40, and the novelty of being a carnival attraction had long worn off. Desperate to get on with the night, he instinctively swung his big penis around like a piece of rope—the usual act—and stuffed it back into his briefs. The show was over.
Or so he thought. One inebriated fan—the same man who had repeatedly asked Jordan to sleep with his girlfriend that evening—demanded an encore, asking the performer to “just let it hang.” Fine, Jordan thought. Whatever will shut him up.
But as soon as he brought his prized possession back out, the groupie grabbed it. “He literally tried to pull it off my body,” says Jordan. “Maybe he was on drugs, trying to drag a man’s penis off like that.”
Jordan fell down and sprinted home. Within 10 minutes, his whole shaft—base to tip—was black and bruised, as if it had been through battle.
Flabbergasted, Jordan flocked to Facebook to post about his crazy encounter. Ten thousand miles across the Atlantic, his friend Jonah Falcon —himself the owner of an abnormally big penis, reportedly the biggest in the world—was the first to comment.
“You’re not trying to catch up to me, are you?”
Sometimes you’re left scrambling for the bar exit after a drunken stranger has seized your dick, and other times, you rupture a cyst on your girlfriend’s ovary during intercourse. That’s what happened to Todd—who requested anonymity for this story—back in high school, the first of many sexual mishaps caused by his big penis.
“She was doubled over in pain after we finished,” says Todd, 36. “Looking back, I don’t know how we avoided the emergency room.”
The repercussions of packing a python aren’t always so severe, but they’re endless. “When I tell people that, they kind of laugh,” Jordan says, “as if I don’t have a right to say it.”
You might roll your eyes, too, but Jordan, Falcon, and Todd do have “problematically large” penises, according to Brian Steixner, M.D., Medical Director of Urology at Barton Health . Per data in the Journal of Sexual Medicine , the average flaccid penis is somewhere between 3.5 to 4 inches, while the average erection falls in the 4.5- to 6.5-inch range.
“From what I can determine, if your penis is larger than 8 inches in length when erect, it puts you in the top 2 percent of people in the world,” Dr. Steixner says.
"In my 20s, I was like a kid in a candy store."
Todd measures 10 inches erect, Jordan one-ups him by about an inch, and Falcon boasts a whopping 13.5 inches at full mast. The 44-year-old New Yorker doesn’t officially own the world record, but that’s because there isn’t one.
Falcon’s big penis has been documented on HBO, in Rolling Stone , and on The Howard Stern Show , and he has pledged to donate his massive member to the Icelandic Phallological Museum when he dies.
Being famous for having a big penis sounds pretty great, and to be fair, all of the guys we interviewed for this story have used their good fortune to their sexual advantage. Falcon, for example, became a fixture in the horny NYC underground club scene thanks to his hog.
“If a guy could have sex with almost anyone he wanted to,” Falcon says, “he most certainly would. In my 20s, I was like a kid in a candy store.”
But eventually, the burdens start to overshadow the blessing.
“When guys tell me they wish they had my penis, they look up to me from a sexual, alpha-male point of view,” says Jordan. “But what percentage of your life do you spend actually using your penis for sex? Compare that number to how much you have to carry the burdens of it around, and the sexual ratio is quite the minority.”
Take something as simple as riding a bike. “It’s a nightmare,” Jordan says. “Where do I put my penis when I’m on a bike seat? I have to keep my legs closed, but they’re constantly rubbing. I end up just sitting on the thing. If I want to go for a nice ride in the country, the pain distracts from the euphoria of the journey itself.”
Using the restroom is an equally dicey proposition. “In a public urinal, if I’m not careful, my penis will hang down and touch the edge of the urinal—or the water,” Todd says. “Unfortunately, I’m a germaphobe.” (To avoid the same issue, Falcon has resigned to a life of peeing sitting down.)
Then there’s the condom conundrum. “I use the largest size possible—around 7.5 inches—and it only covers half my cock,” says Falcon.
When you constantly have to keep one hand on your rubber to make sure it doesn’t slip off during sex, as Todd does, it sucks some fun out of the process. “Even then, a lot of times the condoms end up either breaking or slipping inside of her when it’s all said and done,” he says.
As for other roadblocks in the bedroom, oral sex is often a nuisance. “My penis is thicker than my wrist, so girls have to adjust to the girth,” Falcon says. “But I’ve met very few people who can handle the width—and as a result, there’s a lot of teeth scraping. So I don’t really get off on getting sucked.”
Sometimes the trickiest part of sex is addressing the elephant in the room.
“Telling a woman about your penis size is just awkward in itself,” says Jordan. “A girl doesn’t want to feel like she has to have sex any differently with you. She wants to go with the flow, and not have to stop and slow things down if she’s in pain.”
For Jordan, the threat of these clumsy conversations looms heavy in his head. “It’s a shame when you’ve got a really intimate mental connection with someone and you feel like, ‘Do I want to tell this person, or just let it happen? It’s gotten to the point now where I avoid it.”
Recently, Jordan has instituted a 3-month, no-sex rule. “I’ll tell girls that I want to wait quite a few months before we do it.” His mission: to weed out the women who are interested in him primarily for his penis.
“I feel like I’ve been used for my penis in the past,” he says, “and now I just want to find my soul mate. I want a chick who wants to be with me for the right reasons.”
While Jordan is looking for love, the newly unemployed Falcon is looking for work—but his manhood is getting in the way.
Falcon is a budding actor who wades through desk jobs to pay the bills. He isn’t optimistic about his current search.
“Notoriety has robbed me of work,” he says. “When employers do a background check on me, they see that I’m famous for having a huge penis—and for whatever reason, that means I can’t do the job.”
Such discrimination shouldn’t happen, says Falcon, but it does. “I don’t get hired for one of two reasons: Either people are going to find out about my penis and hound me at work, or I’m going to walk around wearing bike shorts and hit on all the women there. But no one ever tells me that stuff when they don’t hire me, because then I could sue them.”
"I'm an actor, and I want to do real stuff. If I do porn, that's the end."
You’re probably thinking that an actor with a boner the size of a wine bottle could easily make a killing doing porn. Falcon has certainly been approached by producers, but he has rebuffed their offers every time.
“I’m an actor, and I want to do real stuff,” he insists. “If I do porn, that’s the end. I’ll never get another job besides porn . And men are just dildos as far as porn companies are concerned. How many rich male porn stars do you know aside from Ron Jeremy?”
Falcon’s job stress comes with side effects. “I’m always looking for steady work, so I don’t have the energy to find someone to be with,” he says.
“And when you’re constantly concerned about finding money and not being homeless, that tends to make you stressed out all the time. I’m not able to get it up for anybody.”
Many of Falcon’s life problems seem to trace back to those 13.5 inches. Which ultimately begs the question: Does he wish he was smaller?
“No,” he answers emphatically. “Would things be different if I had a 4-inch cock? I think so. I’d probably get more work, and I think I would’ve accomplished a lot more with my life. But I don’t like to be anything other than me.”
Todd, despite a long sexual history of “inserting my penis and feeling like I just killed somebody,” wouldn’t shrink down either.
“When I’m with a girl and pull down my pants, and then I see the look on her face, it’s a huge confidence builder in every regard,” says Todd.
And what about Jordan, the poor victim of an unfortunate sneak penis attack?
“If I had a graph that showed how many people on Earth would give anything to have my penis, for that reason alone, I should appreciate everything I have,” he says.
Call it pecker perspective. “It comes back to human nature. We have this great ability to adapt to our surroundings. Riding a bike is uncomfortable as hell, but I found the way to ride differently than anybody else. I’ve adapted.”
Including one big tweak to his behavior at the bar.
“Now I don’t pull out my penis for a crowd anymore.”

6 Penis Pipes for Gag Gifts and "Personal" Use
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Penises and bongs have a lot in common, as both can provide you with a pretty good time. Therefore, penis bongs can really set the tone for a fun smoke session.
A penis bong is a great pre-wedding gift or upgrade from pipes for smokers who love the dong. Whether your penis bong broke like John Wayne Bobbit or you’re ready to come out of the penis bong closet for the first time, here are the top bongs that look like male genitalia!
Veinier is better! The accents on this penis bong also double as filtration that makes swallowing so much easier on the lungs!
Sit comfortably and clear your bong as you customize where your mouth sits on the head! Plus, the silicone exterior makes for an excellent Kung-Fu grip!
Picking out a penis bong is hard work. That’s what she said. She also helped us compile this list of best penis bongs to make your shopping experience more pleasurable.
If you’re torn between getting a penis statue or a bong, you can get both with the Penis Novelty Glass Bong . This pipe looks like an ice sculpture. You can proudly display this bong when you’re done smoking, as long as phallic doodads are your thing.
This girthy fella also has great filtration for cool puffs of flavorful smoke. Its round base is accentuated with veiny accents. These also allow smoke to trickle in and out of the design crevices, creating more filtration as it rises up the shaft.
If you’re looking for a durable bong, this piece is made out of THICK glass. It’ll survive a few dings. However, we still suggest using two hands when handling this one-eyed monster.
Get high with this psychedelic mushroom-tipped bong! The Penis Bong by Waxmaid is bound to catch anyone’s eye across the room and strike up a convo at a party.
Like any girl’s favorite vibrator, this penis bong is made out of silicone . That makes this piece damn near indestructible.
The mouthpiece is what makes this bong such a great pipe. Its hole is rather large, allowing plenty of room for escaping smoke to enter your mouth.
Your lips will grip comfortably around the head, which expands as it makes it way towards the chamber. While it might look sexual, this design allows you to tailor your suction for optimal comfort. That makes this dick shaped bong one of the most customizable for bong clearers!
When it comes to maintaining the flavor of your bud, you’d be hard-pressed to turn your back on the Ceramic Water Pipe – Penis . Ceramic is nontoxic and allows for smooth, clean hits.
This type of material takes a while to heat, so it automatically cools the smoke upon combustion. Therefore, this piece is great for big hits that expose hints of citrus, berry, or other notes in your bud.
If you have a tendency to tip over bongs, this is one of the sturdier options. The solid base is directly under the large testicles that house the bowl.
Speaking of the bowl, it’s definitely the lowlight of this bong. If you’re a size queen, it’s very small. You’ll find yourself having to pack more than once in just a single smoke session.
Unlike the Penis Novelty Glass Bong, this one’s bowl and downstem are removable from each other. That makes this bong easier to clean than some of the others on this list.
Didn’t think a penis bong can be chic? Reimagine phallic bongs with the Dick Bong . This piece is sure to get the job done and will look good while doing it.
The Dick Bong is a glass bong that doesn’t have the veiny attention to detail that the Penis Novelty Glass Bong does. So, it’s a lot less off-putting aesthetically.
It still has excellent attention to detail around the head. There are even some life-like rings that add last minute filtration. This accent will whip your smoke up into a consistency that easily flows into your mouth!
Its removable downstem makes the bong really easy to clean. It also has a really strong stopper suction. That way, you don’t lose any precious THC!
Want a bong that’s ribbed for your gripping pleasure? Then, invest in a Silicone Phallus Bong .
This veiny water pipe has lifelike accents all around the shaft and texturized testicles. These add to the design and make holding the bong more comfortable to pass around.
It comes with a very deep glass bowl that will last a few lights. The bowl has a handle for clearing.
However, it’s not as large as the Dick Bong’s. So, you might not whip the bowl off the opening as smoothly.
Since it is silicone and 8.5 inches, this is one of the more travel-friendly bongs . You don’t have to worry about it retaining heat after use.
Just pack up and go. Plus, this silicone dingus can withstand a couple of dings en route!
Let’s be real, the “Big Boi Johnson” Penis Ceramic Water Pipe looks like it came straight out of a modern art museum. It’s also the perfect gag gift, heavy emphasis on gag, for those who like an ebony schlong. If that’s not typically their thing, once they go black, they’ll never go back with this pipe.
The only thing more beautiful than this pipe is how it hits. It comes with a threaded metal bowl that preserves your bud from falling in the water. So, you’re bound to get more THC per hit!
Also, it’s made with ceramic. This type of material will preserve the flavor. So, you can puff away on this penis and enjoy every inhale.
This piece has a fixed downstem. Plus, it’s black. So, it’s challenging to clean and see any lingering residue. So, this bong might not be the right one for those who obsessively clean their bowls.
Also, don’t let the name fool you. It’s not the tallest bong on this list. So, if size matters, consider the Ceramic Water Pipe – Penis.
Your friends will gag over this gag gift. There are so many penis pipes and so little time.
So, don’t stress choosing the right penis bong. They’ll all do the trick!
If you want a penis bong that gets you high, offers some filtration, and is easy to clean, then consider the Dick Bong .
The Dick Bong is chic and functional. Its removable downstem makes cleaning a breeze. Plus, its deep bowl with handle makes clearing a piece of cake, if you don’t have gag reflexes.
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