Blackmailing Daughter 18
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Blackmailing Daughter 18
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Dear Neil: My partner of five years has three children from his previous marriage. The eldest is his only daughter, and she is recently married and now has a son. Her mission, for our entire relationship, has been to split us up, just as she has split up his previous relationships since his divorce. She is now playing the grandchild card and threatening that he will never see his grandson if he continues with his relationship with me. My partner and his other two grown children are all very scared of the daughter and her temper tantrums whenever she is challenged.
Because his business slowed with the recession, he has recently moved out with me and moved closer to her, where he found a job. He says he will look for a new job near me, but I am doubtful he will ever come back here. But we were so happy together. He visits every second weekend (without telling his daughter) and we have a great time together. I resent that his daughter is driving us apart, and it is hard to respect him while he allows himself to be emotionally blackmailed by her. I do not want to damage his relationship with his daughter, so given that, is there anything I can do in order to save our relationship?
Dear New Zealand: Your sweetie’s daughter has a strong pull on him – clearly a stronger pull than you have. Whether it’s because he feels beholden to her, or because of the fear of being cut off from her and her son, or because of past family history that your may have no knowledge about, he is clearly not standing up to her and telling her that he is entitled to an intimate relationship with whomever he chooses, just the same as she is.
Unless, of course, he is using her as an excuse to slowly break away from you because he doesn’t want the relationship with you to continue into the future.
The next time you are face to face with him, you could initiate a very sober conversation about what he’s doing and how it’s making you feel. You could reassure him that you’re not trying to harm his relationship with his daughter, but that you are also not OK with his daughter harming his relationship with you. You could then ask him to talk openly about how he feels about you and where he sees you fitting into his life in the future. You could inquire how important his relationship with you is to him, and you could ask him whether he is fearful that he could lose you by appeasing his daughter so much that he can’t even acknowledge to her that he’s seeing you.
You could address with him how he thinks a wise parent would handle this situation and whether he thinks a parent should tolerate a daughter who attempts to blackmail her father by threatening to withhold his grandson from seeing him if he continues in a relationship with his lady. You could ask him how he envisions the future playing out concerning his relationship with you, given that his daughter appears to be so hostile to you being with him.
Then you could set some firm boundaries with him, and tell him what you’re not comfortable with or intolerant about. You could tell him what kind of relationship you were hoping you would have with him into the future, and you could tell him what he would need to do in order to have that relationship with you. You could also tell him what you require from him in order to continue a relationship with him. His daughter is not the only woman in this story.
The rest is up to him. He has to say he wants you, wants to keep the relationship with you and act in accordance with those words. If he doesn’t, he is saying you will always be in second place, behind the wishes of his daughter. You would then have to decide whether you are willing to accept that position.
The relationship has to work for you, too, and a grown man offering you less and less in order to not upset his daughter is simply saying “no” to you – and that her wishes are overtly more important than yours. If you think you’re getting that message, he is saying he wants nothing serious with you into the future. A grown man knows that no woman he is romantically involved with will be happy in last place.
Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Westminster and Boulder. His column is in its 20th year of publication and is syndicated around the world. You can reach him at 303-758-8777, or email him through his website: http://www.heartrelationships.com .
September 21, 2022
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A new breed of predator is exploiting victims through their own computers, and it's a huge danger to your cybersecurity.
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Heather knew there were adults on the Internet who preyed on kids, and she regularly warned her own four children about the dangers of talking to strangers online. Yet the 37-year-old married mom from Phoenix never thought she would ever fall victim to a growing Internet crime known as sextortion.
The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) classifies sextortion as a form of online blackmail where explicit images are used to extort additional photos, sexual favors, and sometimes money from victims. It can involve hacking into a victim’s computer or “catfishing” — where predators lure unsuspecting victims into online relationships and coerce them into sharing nude photos or videos. A 2016 report from the Brookings Institute found that sextortion is on the rise, and noted that isn’t "a matter of playful consensual sexting," but rather "a form of sexual exploitation, coercion and violence."
Heather’s sextortion ordeal began shortly after her family settled in Phoenix. Moving to a new town in a different state proved more stressful than she had anticipated, and she struggled to make new friends. To complicate matters, she and her husband of 11 years were going through a rough patch in their marriage. Feeling depressed and alone, Heather turned to Twitter as a social outlet.
Soon, she started connecting with other users, including Dan*, a 28-year-old entrepreneur who shared Heather’s love of music.
“We were both big fans of The Who and our conversations started with banter about the band and evolved from there,” Heather says. “I was upfront about being married, but Dan was smart and funny, and talking with him filled a void in my life.”
It didn’t take long for Dan to move the conversation from the public Twitter timeline to communicating discreetly with Heather through private direct messages. He told Heather she was beautiful, smart, and funny, and he listened to her problems. Over the course of several months, Dan went from being the perfect friend and confidante to positioning himself as the perfect lover.
[Dan] told Heather she was beautiful, smart and funny, and he listened
to her problems.
“After a month of exchanging intense messaging several times a day, Dan asked me for a more revealing photo,” Heather says. “By then, our conversations had gone from friendly chats to sexting.”
At first she hesitated. She had never sent anyone a nude photo, but Dan was different. He made Heather feel alive and desirable in a way she hadn’t felt in years. He was articulate, charming, and perhaps more importantly, he provided her with the appreciation and attention she wasn’t getting at home. He also agreed to send her photos of himself. Heather later learned the images weren't actually of Dan, but of someone else.
Terry M. Evans is president of Cybersleuth Investigations, Inc. , a Buffalo, New York firm that specializes in helping victims of sextortion and other cybercrimes. He describes the techniques used to gain Heather’s trust as “grooming.”
“Perpetrators like Dan often research their victims in advance so they can quickly engage them by sharing similar interests and viewpoints,” says Evans, who has a background in both law enforcement and cybersecurity. “They gain their victim’s trust by providing a sympathetic ear and by using overt attention, flattery, and charm.”
Many victims blame themselves. But Evans says that compared with perpetrators of Nigerian prince scams, for example, who often use broken English and implausible premises, this new breed of online predator is far savvier and more dangerous. And while you might expect to find catfishers on dating sites, Evans routinely handles cases where victims have been approached on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Instagram, and other social media sites.
“Everyone has the need to feel loved and these online predators are very good at what they do,” Evans says. “They choose women who may be vulnerable or going through a hard time in their life.”
While a victim’s emotions may serve to cloud their judgment and lead them to explain away inconsistencies in their predator’s story, Evans stresses that in no way does that mean any victim is at fault.
As someone who was having marital problems at the time, Heather was more open to Dan's advances. Shortly after she sent Dan several photos, though, she noticed a shift in their online relationship. She suspected Dan wasn’t being completely honest with her, and sensed he was trying to manipulate her into leaving her husband.
“Dan became very insistent and tried to convince me my husband was abusive and a bad person,” Heather says. “While we had our problems, I knew he was a good person and a loving husband and father.”
As she pulled away from Dan, he became more insistent and threatened to post the intimate photos Heather had sent him, plus additional ones he had Photoshopped using her images. Heather became frightened and went to the police, but found they could offer her little in terms of help.
As she pulled away from Dan, he became more insistent and threatened
to post the intimate photos Heather had sent him.
In the interim, Dan’s intensity escalated. He hacked into Heather’s Twitter account and began posting her images.
“Some of my friends on Twitter began pushing back and threatening to expose Dan as a catfish,” Heather says. “One friend used the information Dan had given me and traced his account.”
The truth was shocking: Dan wasn’t a handsome, successful, 28-year-old entrepreneur, but rather a married man in his mid-60s. When Heather’s friend threatened to expose him publicly, Dan backed down and removed Heather’s images. Later, she learned he had also been catfishing several other women on Twitter.
“Years ago, I was raped and I experienced the same feelings of being sexually violated,” Heather says. “Again, it was done by someone I thought I could trust, but the difference is this time, the exploitation was made public.”
“Years ago, I was raped and I experienced the same feelings of being
sexually violated… [T]his time, the exploitation was made public.”
In 2013, Cassidy Wolf of Temecula, California, received an email demanding that she either email nude photos of herself to an anonymous account, or agree to do whatever the email sender asked via Skype for five minutes. The perpetrator said that if she declined, he would release photos of Wolf undressing that he had obtained by hacking her webcam.
Wolf, who was crowned Miss Teen USA in 2013, admits she was scared. But after she talked with her parents, her family decided the best course of action was to alert local law enforcement. The police informed Wolf that her webcam and computer had indeed been compromised.
“Apparently, this person had hacked one of my friend’s Facebook accounts and anyone who clicked on a specific link downloaded malware that allowed him access to their email, webcams, and social media accounts," Wolf says.
Wolf’s personal computer was in her bedroom, and she learned that in order to remain safe, she should put tape over the camera.
“He had footage of me undressing in my bedroom, and he continued to email me threats, saying he would post those photos online if I didn’t do what he asked,” Wolf says. “The police advised me not to respond.”
Four months after the initial email she received, the FBI arrested Jared James Abrahams, a 19-year-old student. He was charged with hacking into the computers of multiple women and obtaining webcam footage of them in various states of undress, without their consent or knowledge. According to the U.S. State Attorney's office for the Central District of California , he may have hacked as many as 150 women.
Wolf didn’t know her perpetrator, who was sentenced to 18 months in prison, but she feels lucky she had her family’s support and didn’t give in to his demands.
“I know one of the victims didn’t have anyone to talk with and tried to handle it on her own,” Wolf says. “She felt she had no choice but to give in to his demands or have her photos spread across the Internet.”
“She felt she had no choice but to give in to his demands or have her
photos spread across the Internet.”
Carrie Goldberg , a Brooklyn, New York-based attorney who is considered a pioneer in the field of sexual privacy, sees many cases like Wolf’s. She says the primary motivation for perpetrators is a desire for control, and explains that victims often give in to extortion demands because they’re afraid of being shamed by their family, friends, or peers.
“Typically, the ultimatum is the threat to embarrass [the victim] or expose humiliating information to the public,” she says. “Frequently, the involuntary sexual act that’s demanded is something that can be performed remotely — such as taking and sending nude photographs or masturbating in front of a webcam.”
Goldberg says the material obtained is then leveraged to get additional photos or video from victims.
“For instance, the offender might have received a nude photograph voluntarily or involuntarily from the victim and then tell her he will send it to all of her Facebook friends if she doesn’t agree to send him a masturbation video,” Goldberg says. “Once he has that, he may threaten to distribute that unless she has sex with her friend on camera and so on. It is different from extortion in that money is not the objective, but rather control — specifically, control of someone else’s sexual behavior.”
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