Blackadder Below The City 2
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Blackadder Below The City 2
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Episode aired Oct 1, 1987 TV-PG TV-PG 27 m
Blackadder seeks to prove he's just as capable of rescuing people from France as The Scarlet Pimpernel. Blackadder seeks to prove he's just as capable of rescuing people from France as The Scarlet Pimpernel. Blackadder seeks to prove he's just as capable of rescuing people from France as The Scarlet Pimpernel.
Baldrick - a Dogsbody (as Mr. Tony Robinson)
Lord Topper -Fop (as Mr. Tim McInnerny)
Lord Smedley - Fop (as Mr. Nigel Planer)
This was Tim McInnerny 's only appearance in the series. He declined a recurring role for fear of being typecast, but he did agree to a guest role.
The Terror, during which many of the French nobility were executed, ended in 1794, 17 before the Regency in Britain, the period of the show.
I like the bit where they jump in the corner and die
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Lord Topper : [posing as the Comte de Frou Frou] Have no fear! Ze Scarlet Pimpernel will save us!
Edmund Blackadder, Esq, Butler to the Prince : Ha! Some hope. The Pimpernel is the most overrated human being since Judas Iscariot won the A.D. 31 Best Disciple Competition.
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Blackadder: This is the Jane Harrington?
Blackadder: Jane "Bury Me in a Y-Shaped Coffin" Harrington?
Percy: I think there may be two Jane Harringtons -
Blackadder: No, no... Tall, blonde, elegant.?
Blackadder: Goes like a privy door when the plague's in town? Come on, get on with your shot. You'll get over her. [pause] I did. [another pause] So did Baldrick, actually.
Percy: I'd like to meet the Spaniard who can make his way past me!
Blackadder: Well, go to Spain. There are millions of them.
Blackadder: What is your name, boy?
Blackadder: Isn't that a bit of a girl's name?
Kate/Bob: It's short for [pause] Bob.
Blackadder: Tell me, young crone, is this Putney?
Young Crone: [cackling] That it be! That it be!
Blackadder: "Yes, it is," not "That it be". And you don't have to talk in that stupid voice to me, I'm not a tourist! I seek information about a Wise Woman.
Young Crone: The Wise Woman? The Wise Woman?!
Young Crone: Two things, my Lord, must ye know of the Wise Woman. First... she is a woman! And second... she is...
Young Crone: [normal] You do know her, then?
Blackadder: No, just a wild stab in the dark - which, incidentally, is what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful! Do you know where she lives?
Young Crone: 'Ere. Do you have an appointment?
Young Crone: Oh... you can go in anyway.
Blackadder: Thank you, young crone. Here is a purse of monies... [she tries to grab it] which I'm not going to give to you. [walks in]
Dr Leech: It isn't every day a man wakes up to find he's a screaming bender with no more right to live on God's clean earth than a weasel!
Kate/Bob: You'll make a lovely bridesmaid Baldrick. Pity me that I have no actual girl chums because we were so poor in our house we couldn't afford friends.
Blackadder: It is strangely in keeping with the manner of our courtship that your maid of honour should be a man.
Baldrick: Thank you very much my lord.
Blackadder: Well, I use the word man in an as broad as possible sense because we all know God made man in his own image. It would be a sad look out for Christians around the globe if God looked any like you, Baldrick.
Lord Flashheart: Thanks, bridesmaid, like the beard. Gives me something to hang onto! And Melchie! Still worshipping God? Last thing I heard he started worshipping me! A-HAHAHAHAHA! Nursie! I like it firm and fruity! Am I glad to see you or did I just put a canoe in my pocket?
Lord Flashheart: I have a plan! And it's as hot as my pants!!!
Blackadder: Yes. To you, Baldrick, the Renaissance was just something that happened to other people, wasn't it?
Blackadder: Right, good morning team. My name is Edmond Blackadder, and I'm the new minister in charge of religous genocide. Now, if you play straight with me you'll find me a considerate employer, but cross me and you'll soon discover that under this playful, boyish exterior beats the heart of a ruthless...sadist...maniac!
Blackadder: [seeing Percy's abnormally wide new neckruff] You look like a bird who's swallowed a plate.
Percy: It's the latest fashion, actually. And as a matter of fact, it makes me look rather sexy!
Blackadder: To another plate-swallowing bird, perhaps. If it was blind and hadn't had it in months.
Blackadder: You're a sad, laughable figure, aren't you, Percy? Baldrick, what do you think of Percy's new ruff?
Baldrick: Some beans and some beans is four!
Blackadder: No, now we've moved on - from advanced mathematics to elementary dress making. What do you think of Percy's new ruff?
Baldrick: I think he looks like a bird who's swallowed a plate, my Lord.
Blackadder: No, that's what I think. What do you think? Try to have a thought of your own; thinking is so important. What do you think?
Baldrick: I think thinking is so important, my Lord.
Percy: [on his new neckruff, which is extremely small] The fashion today is towards the tiny.
Blackadder: In which case, Percy, you must have the most fashionable brain in London.
[Queenie wishes to see Lord Farrow, who has supposedly been executed]
Blackadder: Percy, this is a very difficult situation.
Blackadder: Someone's for the chop. You or me, in fact.
Blackadder: Let's face facts, Perc: it's you!
Percy: [nervously] Except, ex-cept... I may have a plan!
Percy: Yes, eh... How about if we get Lord Farrow's head and body and we take it to the Queen. Except, ex-cept... just before we get in, we start shouting and screaming, and then we come in saying "We were just on our way when he said something traitorous, and so we cut his head off in the corridor just to teach him a lesson!"
Blackadder: Pathetic! Absolutely pathetic! Contemptible! Worth a try! Where did we put the head?
Percy: It's on a spike in traitors cloister.
Blackadder: But that's where the Queen's gone! If she sees his head on a spike she'll realise, HE'S DEAD!
Blackadder: Look at this, what is it?
Baldrick: I'm surprised you've forgotten my lord.
Blackadder: I haven't forgotten, it's a rhetorical question.
Blackadder: To you, it's a potato. To me, it's a potato. But to Sir Walter bloody Raleigh, it's fine carriages, luxury estates and as many girls as his tongue can cope with! He's making a fortune out of the things: people are smoking them, building houses out of them... they'll be eating them next!
Melchett: Started talking to yourself, Blackadder?
Blackadder: Yes, it's the only way I can be sure of intelligent conversation around here!
[After Queenie's poor pirate imitation]
Melchett: [obviously humouring her] I beg your pardon, Your Majesty, but I was hoping to greet the gallant young sailor who hallooed me as I came in. Perchance he has hauled anchor and sailed away?
Blackadder: [to Melchett] You utter creep.
Captain Rum: Ah, "Courtiers to the Queen"! You're nothing but lapdogs to a slip of a girl!
Blackadder: Better a "lapdog to a slip of a girl" than a... GIT!
Captain Rum: You have a woman's legs! I'll wager those legs have never been sawn clean off by a falling sail and swept into the sea before your very eyes.
Blackadder: Well, neither have yours.
Captain Rum: That's where you're wrong!
[He pushes away the table he has been sitting at to reveal that he indeed has no legs]
Melchett: [giving a scroll to Blackadder] Farewell, Blackadder! The foremost cartographers of the land have prepared this for you! [Blackadder unrolls the scroll] It's a... map of the area you'll be traversing. [Blackadder inspects the apparently blank scroll] They'd be very grateful if you could just fill it in as you go along. Goodbye!
Captain Rum: Truth is, I don't know the way to the Cape of Good Hope anyway.
Blackadder: Good Lord! What were you going to do?!
Captain Rum: What I usually do: sail round and round the Isle of Wight until everyone's dizzy and then head for home!
Blackadder: [smiles] You old rascal. Still, who cares? The day after tomorrow, we shall be in Calais. Captain, set sail for France!
[Everyone cheers. Cut to "The Day After The Day After Tomorrow", when everyone looks less excited.]
Blackadder: ... So, you don't know the way to France either?
Captain Rum: No. I must confess that too.
Blackadder: [turns to Percy and Baldrick] Bugger.
[After they inform Nursie her beloved Captain Rum is dead]
Percy: Don't despair, good woman. He died a hero's death, giving his life so that his friends might live.
Blackadder: And that his enemies might have something to go with their potatoes!
Nursie: [tearfully] You mean they put him in the pot?!
Blackadder: Yes, your fiancee was only a third-rate sailor, but a first-rate second course!
Blackadder: You're a one, aren't you?! When you should be whispering sweet conversational nothings like "Goodness, something twice the size of the Royal Barge has just hoved into view between the sheets", you don't say a word. But enter the Creature from the Black Latrine, and you won't stop jabbering!
Molly: He was treating me like a human being!
Blackadder: Look, if I had wanted a lecture of the rights of man, I'd have gone to bed with Martin Luther!
Blackadder: Tell him to get his sacred backside out of here! And what's more, if he comes begging again tell him I shall report him to the Bishop of Bath and Wells, who drowns babies during christenings and eats them in the vestry afterwards.
[Baldrick leaves and then suddenly is thrown through the bedroom door with a loud crash.]
Baldrick: It's that priest, he still wants to speak to you.
Blackadder: And did you tell him about the baby-eating Bishop of Bath and Wells?
Bishop of Bath and Wells: [entering] He said I AM THE BABY-EATING BISHOP OF BATH AND WELLS!
Bishop of Bath and Wells: You haven't any children, Blackadder?
Bishop of Bath and Wells: In that case, I'll skip breakfast and get straight down to business!
[Blackadder must pay back a £1,000 debt to the Black Church, or else]
Blackadder: [as politely as he can] Tell me, Bishop, let me just "test the water" here, so to speak. Erm... supposing I was to say to you, "I'm a close friend of the Queen's, and I think she'd be very interested to hear about you and Mollie and the wimple, so why don't we just call it quits, eh, Fatso?"
Bishop of Bath and Wells: I would say, "Firstly, the Queen would not believe you. And secondly, [draws a hot poker] you'll regret calling me 'Fatso' later today!"
Blackadder: The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic herd!
[Blackadder enters his house and shuts the door]
Blackadder: I can not believe it! She drags me all the way from Billingsgate to Richmond to play about the weakest practical joke since Cardinal Wolsey got his nob out at Hampton Court and stood at the end of the passage pretending to be a door
Blackadder: Oh shut up Balders, you'd laugh at Shakespeare comedy
Percy: Edmund! Oh Edmund I have awaited your return!
Blackadder: And thank god you did, for I was just thinking," My god, I die in 12 hours and what I really need now, is a hug from a complete prat."
Percy: But fear not, for I have a plan to save the life of my dear, dear friend!
Blackadder: Look, I'm not interested in your bloody friends, what about me?
Percy: Do not despair! For I have some small savings carefully harvested from my weekly allowance, set aside against my frail old age. By lucky haps, it is just over a thousand, methinks, and for years has been hidden beyond the wit of any thief, in an old sock...
Percy and Blackadder: ...under the squeaky floorboard...
Percy, Blackadder and Baldrick: ...behind the kitchen dresser.
Percy: [smiles uneasily] You've seen it, then.
Blackadder: Seen it, pinched it, spent it! And the same goes for the two farthings Baldrick thinks he's got hidden inside that mouldy potato.
[Percy is surrounded by chemical apparatus. On the table in front of him is a green blob]
Percy: My Lord! Success! After literally an hour's ceaseless searching, I have succeeded in creating gold! Pure gold! Behold!
Blackadder: Yes Percy, I don't want to be pedantic or anything but the colour of gold is gold. That's why it's called "gold". What you have discovered, if it has a name, is some "green".
Percy: [astonished, picking up the blob] Oh Edmund! Can it be true? That I hold here, in my mortal hand, a nugget of purest green?
Blackadder: Indeed you do, Percy. Except it's not really a nugget, is it? It's more of a splat.
Percy: Well, yes, a splat today, but tomorrow - who knows, or dares to dream?
Blackadder: [dryly] So, we three alone in all the world can create the finest green at will?
Percy: Just so! Not sure about counting in Baldrick, actually.
Blackadder: Of course, you know what your great discovery means, don't you, Percy?
Blackadder: That, you Percy, Lord Percy, are an utter berk!
[Percy smiles and clenches his fist in the air]
Blackadder: Pack my bags, I'm going to sell the house.
Blackadder: There's nothing else for it. I mean I shall miss the old place, I know. I've had some happy times here, when you and Percy have been out. But needs must when the devil vomits into your kettle. Baldrick, go forth into the streets and let it be known that Lord Blackadder wishes to sell his house. Percy, just go forth into the streets.
Mr Pants: [laughing] You've really worked out your banter, haven't you?
Blackadder: No, not really. This is a different thing; it's spontaneous and it's called wit.
Baldrick: Have you got a plan, my lord?
Blackadder: Yes I have, and it's so cunning you can brush your teeth with it!
[Blackadder has just had the Bishop painted in bed with Percy, and is now using it to blackmail him]
Bishop of Bath and Wells: By the horns of Beelzebub, how did you get me into that position?!
Blackadder: It's beautifully framed, don't you think? Which is ironic, really, because that's exactly what's happened to you.
Bishop of Bath and Wells: You fiend! Never have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity! Have you ever considered a career in the church?!
Blackadder: No, I could never get used to the underwear.
Blackadder: Baldrick! Why have you got a piece of cheese tied to the end of your nose?
Baldrick: To catch mice my lord. I lie on the floor with my mouth open and hope they scurry in.
Blackadder: Hardly surprising. Your breath comes straight from Satan's bottom, Baldrick.
Blackadder: It is said, Percy, that civilised man seeks out good and intelligent company, so that through learned discourse he may rise above the savage and closer to God.
Blackadder: Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best!
Percy: Beshrew me, Blackadder! You're in good fooling this morning!
Blackadder: Don't say 'Beshrew me', Percy. Only stupid actors say 'Beshrew me'.
Percy: Oh, how I would love to be an actor! I had a great talent for it in my youth; I was the Man of a Thousand Faces!
Blackadder: How'd you come to choose the ugly mug you've got now, then?
Blackadder: And don't say 'Tush', either! It's only a short step from 'Tush' to 'Hey nonny nonny', and then I'm afraid I shall have to call the police!
Blackadder: My aunt and uncle, Lord and Lady Whiteadder - the two most fanatical puritans in England - have invited themselves to dinner here tonight.
Percy: But aren't they the most frightful bores?
Blackadder: Yep. But they have one great redeeming feature: their wallets! More capacious than an elephant's scrotum, and just as difficult to get your hands on!
Queenie: Edmund, quick, quick! Melchett's dying! We must do something!
Blackadder: Well yes, of course. Some sort of celebration!
Melchett: I assure you, Blackadder, what I drank last night would have floored a rhinoceros.
Blackadder: If it was allergic to lemonade.
Melchett: I'm sure we all remember the shame and embarrassment of the visit of the King of Austria, when Blackadder was found wandering naked among the gardens of Hampton Court, singing "I'm Merlin, the Happy Pig!"
[Queen Elizabeth has a lot of good ideas.]
Nursie: That was another good idea! You are so clever today, you better be careful your foot doesn't fall off.
Queen Elizabeth: Does that happen, when you have lots of brilliant ideas? Your foot falls off?
Nursie: Certainly does! My brother, he had this brilliant idea of cutting his toenails with a scythe, and his foot fell off.
Blackadder: Get the door, Baldrick.
[There is a crash. Baldrick enters, carrying a door.]
Blackadder: Baldrick, I would advise you to make the explanation you are about to give... phenomenally good.
Blackadder: Not good enough. You're fired.
Baldrick: But my lord, I've been in your family since 1532!
Blackadder: So has syphilis! Now get out!
[Blackadder notices Percy and Baldrick giggling]
Percy: Well, my lord... while Baldrick and I were preparing the t-turnip surprise... we had a surprise! We came across a turnip... that was exactly the same shape... as a 'thingy'!
Blackadder: [long pause]... A 'thingy'?!
Baldrick: A great big 'thingy'! It was terrific!
Blackadder: Size is no guarantee of quality, Baldrick. Most horses are very well-endowed, but that does not necessarily make them sensitive lovers. I trust you have removed this hilarious item?
Blackadder: Good, because there's nothing more likely to stop an inheritance than a 'thingy'-shaped turnip!
Percy: Absolutely, Edmund... [looks serious for a moment, then breaks into giggles again] But it was jolly funny!!
Baldrick: I found it particularly ironic, my Lord, 'cause I've got a 'thingy' that's shaped like a turnip!
Blackadder: [dismissively] Yes, yes...
Baldrick: I'm quite fun at parties.
Baldrick: Yeah, I hide in the vegetable rack and frighten the children!
Blackadder: So, the plan is, when I call for my 'incredibly strong ale', you must pass me water in an ale-bottle. Have you got that?
Baldrick: Yeah- when you call for ale, I pass water.
[Blackadder is trying to get out of the party]
Queenie: I know why you want to get out of it, because I remember the last time you had a party. I found you face-down in a puddle, wearing a pointy hat and singing a song about goblins.
Blackadd
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