Black Hole Spirit

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Black Hole Spirit
By Onaefe Peters | 2022-09-27T22:44:45+01:00 August 20th, 2022 | Essay |

Onaefe Peters is a creative writer. She likes to use her personal experience, and imagination to write compelling stories.
She's usually occupied making one handcraft or the other. She gets her groove from Lo fi songs.
These were the first words my roommate said to me after she woke me up from what I had hoped would be my last sleep.
Don’t judge me for attempting suicide, you don’t understand, you weren’t there when my life began to crumble bit by bit, you weren’t there when I cried so hard I was worried about not having enough tears to cry another day. You weren’t there when the ache was so much, that I couldn’t even bring myself to cry, no matter how hard I tried. I would try my best to defend myself, though.
My life began to go dark after Amaka stopped being friends with me. And God… were we close. We used to get drunk together and do foolish things, like knock on our neighbors’ doors and run away before they could answer them. Then we would laugh till our stomachs hurt, at our foolishness. We used to blast hearty songs like doja cat’s Pay Day and yelled along, indifferent to the welfare of our neighbors. Amaka was by my side, hailing me, as I winced when my first shot of alcohol, Captain Jack, slithered down my throat. I stayed in the bathrooms of the hotels we stayed in for the night after partying; pretending to be interested in my phone as I listened to her mindlessly making out with another guy. We lived what I thought was a life together.
However, the life we lived didn’t matter to Amaka. After two years of foolish and reckless friendship, she dropped me cold. Her parting gift to me was the lies she spread about me, telling people I used her to enjoy myself. I didn’t even dignify the lie with my telling of the truth when the people she told came to tell me. I confronted her instead and she denied it. Coward.
I’m a strong woman though. So like a black hole, after this star collapsed, I sucked everything in. The pain, the anger, the disappointment. As I said, I’m a strong woman.
Also, it’s easier to live through pain when there’s another person to be codependent on. So, after Amaka left, I focused on the love of my life, Deji, whom I called témi, and that’s how it was, Deji was mine. When he made me happy he was mine, when he beat me, he was still mine. Now, please don’t be like one of those people, and ask me why I didn’t leave the relationship after the first time he made my eyes swollen, because haven’t you been following my story? Deji was the love of my life! The only tether to my sanity. How could I have left him? He was témi after all. Mine. When I think of my time with him, I liken it to the gnash and Olivia’s song, ”I love you, I hate you”. And maybe, in some masochistic way, I reveled in his attention.
It was cut short too because something about me, it must have been me, became repulsive to Deji. After over a year of our…relationship, he left. Told me it was over and didn’t bother with a reason. There was no apology for all the times his hands met my body to hurt me. There was no apology for the times I stared at the ceiling, with my hands longing for a consoling squeeze from his absent palms, as the doctor removed another cell that could have become life in me. He just packed his clothes, whatever he felt for me, and left my apartment, and my life. And just like that, the black hole increased and swallowed more pain, more anger, more dejection. I tried to cry, but I couldn’t. Instead, I saw myself talking to my bed, and when I laughed, I recognized it from somewhere, from a mad woman’s mouth.
Like I said in the beginning, I’m a strong woman, so strong I was able to Google search ”the easiest way to kill yourself”. But Google wanted me to live, so it directed me to articles about living and hotlines to call.
So I reluctantly went back to the memories of Amaka and me. I remember I once followed her to a dealer’s place and I heard the guy tell her to not take more than 400mg of Tramadol. I collected his number that day because Amaka asked me to. She said he was too important not to have his number saved elsewhere, and I was the most convenient backup. So, I called the dealer, got over 500 mg of tramadol from him (told him it’s for myself and Amaka), bought sleeping pills from different pharmacies, and got Captain Jack, I and Amaka’s favorite gin. I put on Leon Bridge’s River and as I was swallowing all the pills, I noticed that tears were finally falling on my cheeks, I smiled. With River still on, I pushed everything down to my stomach with the gin. I remember collapsing onto my bed, seeing nothing, and thinking ”the black hole finally gets to explode”
I was told I was unconscious for three days after I opened my eyes to see the O.R.L fan attached to the asbestos ceiling I thought I’d never set my eyes on again. The second day after I tried to kill myself, my housemate knocked on my door, to ask if I wanted anything from the market, I didn’t answer, and when she came back and still didn’t get a reply from me, she became alarmed and called for help. That’s how they saved my body. But pumping my stomach didn’t save my soul.
My housemate and I were never close, we only shared rent, and helped each other buy pepper, tomatoes, and provisions. However, after she brought me back home, she prepared rice and ata dindin for me. The aroma of the sauce drifted to me and it made me break down in tears. It was a clear reminder that I lived, and I didn’t know what to do with the reminder. So I cried. I cried for the girl I became. My housemate heard my sobs and she told me:
”I’m not even going to pretend that we are close or any of that. And I’m not against suicide either, but If you kill yourself with unresolved issues, you would become a ghost, and that’s no peace”. 
She went on to say that she understands that therapy is expensive, and she understands if I wouldn’t like to talk to anyone.
“Do you know you can be your therapist?” She asked.
I nodded no because it was the first time I heard of self-therapy. Self-therapy is counseling yourself, just as the name suggests, and the method is inexpensive.
All you need is a jotter, pen, phone, and internet connection.
You just have to Google what you are feeling or going through. I understand if this is hard for you, we don’t always have words with which to qualify our pain, but you have to think of the closest words that express what you are going through. In my case, it was anxiety, trauma, and suicide.
Then you Google search, ”Best Books for [insert the words that express what you are going through]. Several books will pop out. Take your time, scroll through, choose the three books that speak to you the most, and get them. In my case, the books were:
Now that you have your books. Read them carefully and with diligence.
I channeled all the emotions, all the pain, and all the heartache into the books I got. As I read them I took notes and some of them had exercises for the readers to work on.
There’s a part in What Happened To You? that stuck with me, and made me feel at peace for the first time, after so long.
”Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different. But we cannot move forward if we’re still holding on to the pain of that past”.
Upon reading the lines, I cried my heart out because I realized that I was still bitter and didn’t want to forgive the people who had hurt me. But above that, I wanted peace. Even if I decide to try to take my life again, I would rather not end up a ghost (yes I believe in ghosts, don’t laugh at me). So there in my bare room, I forgave everyone that ever hurt or disappointed me. I forgave my parents for not caring enough about me, for not becoming worried when I didn’t reach out to them for weeks. I forgave my so-called friends for not noticing that I was gone for three days. Likewise, I forgave my classmates for not noticing that I lost my usual candor, for not noticing my life became akin to the state of a room after nepa takes light at night. I do not blame them though.
I willed forgiveness for Amaka for not reciprocating my friendship with her. I forgave Deji for how he scared me and left without looking back in remorse. I forgave my housemate, for not noticing how still I had gotten. But above all, I forgave myself. I forgave myself for letting me get to the point where nothing could hold me back from the edge. I forgave myself for being a fool for love. I forgave myself for not loving myself enough to choose my peace of mind.
I forgive you too for letting me down.
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The annals of world mythology contain a number of references to the Milky Way galaxy. A few accounts try to explain how the Milky Way came to appear as a faint band of milky-white glow arching across the night sky, while some others are more mysterious. They talk of the presence of a “Spirit Trail” or a “Road of Souls” in our galaxy, along which the souls of dead people travel to a mystical underworld. Many ancient cultures subscribed to such beliefs, but the true meanings and origins of these cosmic tales remain a mystery.
In the book Star Gods of the Maya: Astronomy in Art, Folklore, and Calendars , Susan Milbrath of the University of Florida has mentioned a number of indigenous Maya tribes in whose folklore associations to the Milky Way galaxy have been detected. 1 For instance, the Lacandon Maya say that the Milky Way is the “White Way of our true lord”, Hachakyum, who is the lord of heaven where the Lacandon go when they die. The Yucatec Maya call the Milky Way “White Road” ( Sak Be ), the same name given to ancient roads. The Chorti refer to the Milky Way as the “Road of Santiago”, their god of thunder and lightning – an association which is also present amongst the people of Peru in Southern America. The overarching idea seems to be that the Milky Way is the White Road traversed by the gods.
Another related belief was that the Milky Way was the pathway traveled by the spirits of the dead, with its countless stars representing the souls of the dead. In Peru, as well as in the Polynesian islands, the Milky Way is called the “Road of Souls” 2 . Amongst the American Indian tribes, the Milky Way is known by various names: the “Spirit Trail”, the “Pathway of Dead Warriors” 3 or the “Path to the otherworld”. According to the Apache Indians of Southwestern America, the souls of the dead travel along this “Spirit Trail” for four days, before they reach a place of peace and plenty where there is no disease or death. 4 The Lakota Indians, who live in the Great Plains of North America, believe that the spirit, on its journey to the otherworld, must pass by an old woman who inspects their spirit bodies for the proper markings. Only if they possess the correct markings, are they allowed into the peace and plenty of the otherworld, the land of many lodges, where all one’s ancestors pitched their tipis and buffalo roamed in unending abundance. 5 The Pueblo Indians of Southwestern America share the belief that the deceased returns to the underworld through an entrance . Underworld is not only the place from which the race emerged and the place to which its individuals return, but it is as well the storehouse of all life-giving crops which are in season drawn up to nourish the living. 6
So, there was a widespread belief across the Americas that a road or a pathway exists in our galaxy which is traversed by the gods and by the souls of the dead. This “Spirit Trail” or the “Road of Souls” leads from our galaxy to a mystical underworld of unknown location, where the ancestors live in perpetual peace and happiness. Are these ancient folklores telling us of an unknown cosmic pathway leading from the Milky Way galaxy to an alternate realm of existence? Is this alternate realm a different galaxy, or is it a star system within our own galaxy? Could it be that these age-old myths are not mere figments of imagination, but encode an advanced knowledge of our galaxy?
The Quiche Maya of the highlands of Guatemala actually have a very specific location for this pathway to the otherworld, which indicates that there is a physical reality underlying these intriguing beliefs. They point to the region of the Galactic Center as being the location of Xibalba Be – the dark road that leads to the underworld. For someone living in the Northern Hemisphere, it will be difficult to identify the Galactic Center with the naked eye, since the Milky Way appears as an extremely faint band of milky-white glow arching across the night sky. The Galactic Center lies low in the southern sky during the summer months in the Northern Hemisphere, and is hard to locate precisely. However, in the Southern Hemisphere, the skies are very dark, and the light pollution is much lower. On a moonless night, away from the city lights, the Milky Way comes into prominent view. Even a small binocular can resolve this band of light into thousands of stars.
During the winter months in the Southern Hemisphere, the Galactic Center is almost overhead , and the bright band of light sweeps across prominently from the northeastern horizon (NE) to the southwestern horizon (SW). The Galactic Center is located at the center of a dense bulge of stars (the central bulge ), and its exact position lies in the direction of the Sagittarius constellation . It is here that the Quiche Mayans believe, is present, a “sky cleft” or a “hole in the sky”, from where a dark road leads to the underworld.
Fig 1: This image of the night sky in the Southern Hemisphere shows the Milky Way band, along with the constellations. The Galactic Center is identified by the Sagittarius constellation. Source: NASA APOD 2009 May 9.
This sky cleft was the center of the Mayan cosmos, located at the intersection of four cosmic roads. 7 According to Roberta and Peter Markmann, “it is through this hole that the gods descend to earth and the dead to the subterranean regions; it is through the same hole that the soul of the shaman in ecstasy can fly up or down in the course of his celestial or infernal journeys.” 8 The entrance to the underworld was also depicted in certain Classic Period Maya art as the “mouth of a water monster”; while in certain Late Postclassic Central Mexican art, the entrance is represented as a cave . Both deities and human ancestors are born out of this cave, and after death they enter into this cave and descend to the underworld.
The sky-cleft was therefore, a portal of communication with the mystical world of the spirits, through which it was possible for both deities as well as the souls of the dead to journey to the underworld. And as per the Quiche Maya, this sky-cleft was present near the Galactic Center, in the direction of the Sagittarius constellation. Is it a mere coincidence that astronomers have recently discovered that a supermassive black hole is present at the center of the Milky Way galaxy, in exactly the same region where the Mayans believe is present a hole in the sky that leads to the underworld?
In the year 1998, scientists confirmed that an enormous black hole, which appears as a very strong, radio-source in our radio telescopes, is present in a tiny region of space termed as Sgr A* (pronounced Sagittarius A star ) near the center of our galaxy, in the direction of the Sagittarius constellation. Further studies since then have shown that this black hole is nearly 4.3 million times the mass of the sun, and is squeezed into a tiny space, which is only ten times bigger than the sun and is slightly less than the orbital distance of Mercury from the Sun (i.e. 46 million kilometers).
A black hole is believed to be formed when a large star expends all its fuel and collapses under its own gravitation force into a singularity i.e. an infinitesimally small space. The black hole, however, still retains its original mass, and thereby attracts nearby objects. Its gravitational pull is so intense that nothing, not even light, can escape from it once it falls within the boundary of the black hole called the event horizon . Since a black hole does not emit any light, it is very difficult to see it, especially if it floats alone in space. However, if a black hole passes through a cloud of interstellar matter , it can accrete matter into itself by its gravitational attraction. Thus, a black hole will be surrounded by superheated rings of hot gas, dust and stars which rotate around it at extremely high speeds, spiraling towards the event horizon. This ring of gas, dust and stars around a black hole is called the accretion disk, which contains the event horizon at its center. The accretion disk is a prolific source of radiation at all frequencies – from radio waves to visible light to X-ray light.
Fig 2: A supermassive black hole at the core of a galaxy blasting out radiation and ultra-fast winds. Credit: NASA/JPL-Caltech
The presence of a supermassive black hole at the center of our galaxy raises important questions about the cosmic knowledge of our ancestors. Were the Mayans were aware of the existence of this black hole, thousands of years before it was discovered by modern scientists? Their usage of the term “mouth of a water monster” to refer to this sky-cleft is very pertinent. A black hole does appear like a cosmic mouth which violently consumes anything in its vicinity. Some of the material swirling into the black hole does not fall in but rather is spit out at incredibly fast speeds, close to the speed of light. Scientists sometimes compare this to a messy eater who is trying to eat too much food at once and has food falling from his mouth. 9
An interesting aspect of a black hole was hypothesized way back in 1940 by Albert Einstein and Nathan Rosen. Einstein and Rosen had put forward a theory that there may be a bridge or a passage which connects a black hole to a white hole, existing in different parts of the universe. A white hole is just the reverse of a black hole. Just as a black hole swallows things irretrievably, so a white hole spits them out. This bridge connecting a black hole – white hole pair came to be known as the Einstein – Rosen Bridge and was subsequently simply referred to as a wormhole . Scientists have speculated that a spaceship may be able to enter a black hole, travel through a wormhole, and emerge through a white hole in another part of the universe, travelling faster than the speed of light . Stephen Hawking once quipped: “Wormholes, if they exist, would be
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