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I’m a black girl who mostly dates white guys . Why do black men get upset...
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I’m a black girl who mostly dates white guys. Why do black men get upset when they see me out with a white man? I see black men with white women all the time and I don’t think anything of it.
I’m a black girl who mostly dates white guys. Why do black men get upset when they see me out with a white man? I see black men with white women all the time and I don’t think anything of it.
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To be honest, I think it’s about some weird sense of ownership – almost like a tribe mentality that’s gone off the rails into something dark. And that can sometimes get tied in with a depressing sense of inferiority that’s been placed on black people for centuries.
For reference, I’m a black woman who’s married to a white man. Before we were together, I mostly dated white guys.
In my experience, the only people who’ve ever had a problem with that have fallen into two categories: racist white people who think I’m garbage and want me to stay with “my kind” instead of bringing down my partner’s station in life (as an in-law so eloquently stated to me once). Or racist black people who think I’m acting like I think I’m “too good” for black men.
Of the latter, I find it’s often black guys but it’s also some black women. I think their explanations for it come from a really dark and depressing place that reflects the history of race in America. I’ve had some tell me I should only be with black men because so many white people already see black people as less desirable. So that in my choosing to be with someone else, I’m discriminating against my own people.
Another argument I’ve heard is that white men have historically taken advantage of others and often in the form of forced marriage or sexual assault with women of other cultures. I had some jerk who was trying to pick me up at a bar tell me I was making a mistake by allowing a white man to “claim” me. That gross interaction has stayed with me all this time later because I sat there looking a brother in the eyes and having him degrade me like that just because I wasn’t going to sleep with him.
The whole idea doesn’t make sense. But from what I can understand, the people who are loudest about this have some really rough feelings about race and have internalized them instead of trying to work out their own prejudices and enlightening themselves. It’s sort of like a racism towards white people that internalized into a devaluing of self. If that makes sense.
These are such sad ways to look at life. Because it just creates more prejudice and implies that as black women, we’re still not free to make our own choices. Only in this context, it’s “our people” trying to own us.
Edit: Wow! Thanks so much for the upvotes and lovely Reddit awards. I’m shocked. I usually just use this account to wander into threads about weird tv shows and a lot of other hilarious nonsense. I never expected anything I wrote in here to earn so much positive attention, let alone gold or platinum! You guys are the best!
I also wanted to add something very important to my original post:
For the record, I am in no way saying that I find black men inferior or that I believe all black men will mistreat their partners and families. If you read this that way, I’d recommend reading it again. People are people. Some are terrible, many are not.
For examples of black men working against some nasty and unfair stereotypes, I don’t have to look any further than the men in my family or friend group to see examples of that everyday. They’re some of the kindest, most caring guys I know and treat their partners, families, and the world around them with the respect everyone deserves.
Had my husband been black (or Asian, or Hispanic, or Native, or anything other than European in ancestry) I’d still love him just as much and I’d have still chosen to marry him. It just so happens that this man I love, am most compatible with, and that I’m choosing to live my life with is white. And that shouldn’t be the focus, but sadly for too many people, it has been. What I’m trying to say is that we all deserve to be loved and respected equally. So let’s remember that.
This post is everything I’ve thought but haven’t found the words to say, thank you
Crazy how hard it is to find someone who shares your beliefs and values, is willing to grow with you through the ups and downs, and ultimately tries to better both of your lives and there are people whose reaction is "yea but...different color"
Just be happy. You shouldn't have to bear the burden of other peoples poor experiences.
Edit: thanks for the gold! Be happy people!
I think it’s about some weird sense of ownership
This right here. I think it's an equal mix of sexism and racism. It's about how (a lot of) men have a subconscious/primal view of relationships as the man "owning" the woman. When a man of race A dates (i.e "owns") a woman of race B , the men of race B see it as a territorial overstep by the man of race A . That's why it's usually men getting angry about this, and that's why it goes both ways - not just white men getting angry, but also men of other minorities. Although I have seen a few women with that same attitude, which leaves me stumped.
edit: Women have that exact sense of ownership as well, I should have considered that. My bad!
edit#2: The more I think about it, it's not about sexism at all, it's just like a response below said - tribalism.
White South African here. I was brought up to understand that interracial relationships and gay relationships was wrong, and against the will of God. It took me a long time to overcome my indoctrination but I think I've figured it out. If you find love that is real...embrace it. Do not judge a person by the color of his\her skin, but by his/her words, and his /her actions. Accept different cultures, but question their believes if it restricts your freedom. Don't rely on some elusive God to grant your wishes. Seek strength within yourself to overcome. This is our greatest gift, to be independent. Try to extend your love your idiot neighbours.
Hey thanks for taking the time to write this out. It's always really difficult navigating around internalized badness and trauma, but it's easier when we have a better idea what we're working with. I appreciate your words.
I'm a white Aussie and I think the first time I realised this was a thing, and not uncommon was when I saw Get Out. It's such a sad, twisted little quirk. Just baffles me people can be so hateful. The sad thing is, I suppose I can sorta see why some people might think along these lines. America has had such... horrible times in their history (sadly even now at times). Not that it's unique to the US. But I can see why some people might be uncomfortable with some things considering some shit that's happened. Not that it justifies anything. It's a sad thing all round.
You need to teach a class. I’m a 43 yr old white guy in the south who strives to live opposite of how so many around me were raised and I want to hear more from you on race.
The way you have worded all of this really makes you think about it . You really explained a difficult subject very simply and it makes a lot of sense which I’m sure you will still find people who will lash out when they don’t agree . Thank you for this post OP. I’m going to throw out there that I’m white and a couple of days ago I commented on a post which had this picture of this African child and the OP was stating that smoking during pregnancy made the child “darker” because of the tar in cigarettes . I couldn’t believe it and I genuinely thought the picture of the child had beautiful skin as I replied in the post. Someone replied saying something as childish as “ geez back off child rapist “ and for some reason I would bet this was another white person . I have no proof of this other than it’s just a gut feeling their a bitter angry person . Didn’t bother me I just thought it was funny but I still think about how much hate is in a person to react that way . Life is hard enough as it is we don’t need to drag each other down . Thanks again op for stirring some thought !
Or racist black people who think I’m acting like I think I’m “too good” for black men.
There are also black supremacists who think people like you are "whitening" your bloodline.
Those people don't even realize you guys chose eachother because you're in love. They think you're trying to make a statement or "claim" eachother. :( people suck
I'm gonna be that guy... Fixed: "I think their explanations for it come from a really dark and depressing place that reflects the history of race." Just period. Discrimination against and slavery of all races is prevalent not only in American history, but throughout the World.
Sad that people feel the need to go out of their way to make you feel bad for being a good and open person with who you share your life with.
Tribalism is a good way to describe it. Learning about the history of Africans prior to their exposure to white people has sometimes made me think that some things are more engrained than others.
I feel we've definitely made a lot of progress since those times, relatively speaking of course. Both prior to the exposure and certainly afterwards.
But this is the clear and crystal reasoning behind the words "Judged not by the color of their skin, but by the content or their character". Because as this person has stated, they've had to catch flack from both sides. The reasons might be slightly different, but the principle is the same.
It's racism. No matter how benign the form of it is.
Jealousy, racism and an 'us and them' mentality
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