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Pullout

Sep 21, 2006 at 4:00 am

So You've Decided to Sleep with a Black Man

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Secret Student Handbook 2006

Charles Tonderai Mudede, The Stranger’s senior staff writer, is a Zimbabwean-born cultural critic, urbanist, filmmaker, college lecturer, and writer. Mudede collaborated with the director Robinson Devor on three films, two of which, Police Beat and Zoo, premiered at Sundance, and one of which, Zoo, screened at Cannes. He has also written for the New York Times, Cinema Scope, Tank Magazine, e-flux, LA Weekly, and C Theory.

The Stranger depends on your continuing support to provide articles like this one. In return, we pledge our ongoing commitment to truthful, progressive journalism and serving our community. So if you’re able, please consider a small recurring contribution. Thank you—you are appreciated!

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So you're finally here, in a big city with lots of different people. When you lived in the small town, the only place you saw people who didn't look like you was on TV. Now they are out and about in real life, in flesh and blood; they sit next to you on the bus, stand in front of and behind you in grocery lines, sell you bongs in seedy cigarette shops.
Some of these different-looking people are black men, and some of these black men have attractive bodies and mysterious eyes. Something in you not only wants to meet some of these black men, but also fuck them. If you are in this condition, known as "jungle fever" (there's also yellow fever, but that's another matter altogether), then here are a few important things you should know about having sex with a black man.
First and foremost, when the black man you are about to get it on with pulls down his pants and reveals a shockingly small penis, try your very best not to look upset or surprised or confused. Look pleased or supportive or, best of all, like you didn't even notice a thing. Black men with small penises have the hardest time in this society. Like a hunchback is aware of his physical flaw, the black man with a small penis is aware of the fact that he is a walking, breathing disappointment, the living negation of an enormous sexual myth. Even normal-looking, and normal-performing, brothers feel the guilt and burden of not being all they are rumored to be.
Don't ask a brother to go down on you. It's not going to happen, and brothers also don't care for long sessions of foreplay. Just get right to it and keep it simple, keep it real.
While having sex, do not call the brother a "black stud," or "hot chocolate," or "my nigger." Just moan and don't register his race, even though that is the only reason why you are fucking him.
Don't play hiphop while having sex with a black man. Why? Because he'll start thinking that he's nothing more to you than a substitute for some fantasy rapper you've seen on BET—50 Cent, Nelly, LL Cool J.
The music of Barry White, however, is cool.
Now this is very important: Don't act and talk like a sister during sex. If a brother wants to go to bed with a sister, he'll do just that—go to bed with a sister. The reason why he is going to bed with you is because you are white, and so act and talk like you look, white.
Missy Elliott, your favorite sister rapper on BET, has warned you about "two-minute brothers." Well, you don't even know the half of it. There are one-minute brothers out there, and you just might end up with one. If that happens, sorry, so sorry. There's nothing anybody can do about that.
After sex, don't look puzzled or lost in thought. The brother will think you are disappointed with the whole affair.

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"He was a big penis with a big penis."
I dated a dude who was packing a footlong. T he sex was uncomfortable, at best, and he refused to go down on me. I dumped him after a year of making up excuses to not have sex. The crazy part was that he had no clue that he was big — every time we talked about his size, he couldn't believe he was anything more than average.
As a gay lady, I haven’t seen many penises since I lost my virginity at 17. But my first experience with someone of the opposite sex was with a guy who, to date, has the biggest penis I have ever seen. We were camping with a large group, tents and horses, down by the Suwannee River in Florida. My high school boyfriend and I retired early to my tent where we commenced a hot and heavy petting session. After attaining my permission, he whipped out a very long, rock-solid, and extremely girthy penis.
We spent the next 10 minutes simply working on getting the tip in. It was exhausting and painful, but he was determined and I was battling “I don’t want to be gay” syndrome so I was patient, despite the agony of having my lady bits spread beyond their expectations. It didn’t take long once he was finally in, much to my relief. But sometimes when I dredge up this memory I can still feel the force of that massive appendage pressing its way into tender flesh. I won’t say the experience turned me off men completely — I think that was already a done deal — but it definitely made me appreciate the wonders of lube.
A little while ago I was pretty much IN LOVE with this guy that appeared on my favorite reality TV show. I was a fan and would watch his Instagram live every chance I got. One day he noticed me from a comment I made and sent me a DM. We exchanged numbers and ended up developing a long-distance relationship, and he sent me a dick pic that pretty much made me choke on my coffee. I thought he'd be average size judging by his height but he was PACKING. I was sure he'd break me in half. Unfortunately we broke things off before I was set to fly to see him for a weekend. That was the dick that got away.
I was grabbing drinks with my best mate and he brought along a buddy. We had to use the restroom around the same time, and long story short it was big enough that he had to use two hands to pee. I wasn't even jealous at that point, just afraid.
I met a guy on Tinder, and after one of our dates we ended up back at his place. I honestly went in trying to resist, but I couldn’t help myself and clothes went flying. My go-to move is to hang my head off the edge of the bed and undo their pants while they stand over me before I give them head. When I pulled his boxers down his dick hit my forehead and I fucking almost choked on the thought of that thing in my throat. I don’t think I got more than an inch of that sucker in my mouth, and the sex was almost unenjoyable. ALMOST, because the girth on that log cock was nuts. Needless to say, sometimes when I’m feeling brave, I’ll hit him up.
When I was in school there was this guy that tried to get with me for months. He kept telling me "my dick is the size of a keyboard" and I continuously ignored him. Eventually I changed my mind I guess and I was in his bedroom and when he pulled it out, my first thought was "Oh my god, it really is the size of a child's toy keyboard." I was ready to take on the challenge but quickly realized it was too big for me. He could barely get the tip in without me whining about it hurting and it basically slipping out. One time it slipped out and in between my thighs, I just squeezed my thighs super, super tight and let him fuck that thinking that was my vagina 'cause there was no way his dick was fitting in me.
Ex-boyfriend was around 11 inches. He was a giant penis, so I guess it stood to reason he had one too.
It was my sophomore year of college and I was a virgin. This guy in one of my classes and I had been flirting and one night he invited me over. Of course at the time when I first saw it I thought it was regular because I hadn’t seen many penises before, but I could barely get my mouth around it. When he tried to put it in only the tip fit. I was so embarrassed because I thought it was my fault. He was a good sport about it, though. I found out later that he had been doing adult movies on the side to make some extra cash.
I met a dude while I was working at a shoe store. He was embarrassed about his large shoe size, to which I said saucily, “Well, you know what they say about big feet” with a wink. Fast forward. We start dating, and, man, did I find out how appropriate that joke was. Dude was HUGE! It was at least 11 inches. Sex was...difficult. I can remember him saying, “Yeah, guys always want a big dick, but it’s actually really annoying.”
I used to have an FWB situation with this guy and I shit you not, his dick was like a fucking can of Monster energy drink. I'm talking length and girth. The first time I saw it I honest to god gasped out loud. To this day the best sex I've ever had was with him. Sex with him had me feeling so full and it rode that fine and sweet line between pleasure and pain. Now I shed a tear for that glorious dick I lost when he moved across the country.
I hung out on a nude beach in Hawaii for a few months. One guy had the biggest penis on the beach — this huge, footlong, uncircumcised, monstrous-looking dong. He was so proud! He’d strut up and down the beach grinning about it.
My first one-night stand when I was 17. It was dark, I reached out to jerk him off, and thought I’d grabbed his forearm. He was so big he nearly broke me.
My ex's dick was like a baseball bat. Seriously — in length, girth, and shape. I mean, not seriously, but it was AT LEAST 10 inches. It had a larger head than shaft so it felt amaaaazing when he took his time and pulled all the way out and back in. But heaven help me when he got to pounding away, I could feel my cervix wincing.
Ten inches and as thick as my wrist. The problem? He thought his 10 inches was all he needed to bring to the bedroom to make the sex good. He just laid there like the physical incarnation of a yawn. Best sex I ever had? Five inches with a "throw me up against a wall" attitude that did. not. quit.
I went to a tiny Christian university and was dating a boy who grew up very religious. He's 6’5" and has a dick to match. Because we were both religious at the time we were not having penetrative sex. Boys and girls were not allowed in each other’s rooms, so we were always jerking each other off in closets, empty classrooms, and his RA office at night. I had never seen a penis in real life so when we first started messing around I didn’t think too much of the fact that he was at least 10 inches long when hard and that my hand couldn’t fit around the shaft. I just assumed this was normal. After a year and a half of dating we never had penetrating sex. I still wonder sometimes what it would have felt like, and feel a little relieved that the first dick inside of me wasn’t 10 inches long.
I was 18, and the guy I was seeing was this 6'7" football player, and when the time came to get naked, it was so big, I lied and said I was out of condoms so I could avoid trying to accommodate such a giant. My inexperience definitely contributed to my lack of confidence. Can't say I would have declined if I saw it today! He was BLESSED.
At the beginning of my sophomore year of college, I met this guy from another college who was visiting some friends. We ended up hooking up that night, and his penis was the biggest I had ever seen — at least 10 inches hard. Fast-forward to me going down on him, it was too big to fit in my mouth and it fell out, but when it fell out it flung back and smacked onto his stomach and made a really loud slapping noise. I started laughing so hard, I probably killed the mood.
Stories have been edited for length and clarity.
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"My ex and I were having sex, missionary. I went to shift the angle of my hips at the exact moment he broke rhythm and give me a surprise, extra hard and fast thrust. This completely destroyed my perineum. I lived with my grandma at the time, and I couldn't get the tear to stop bleeding. We were freaking out, so I went into the living room, holding the bloody towel over my crotch, and asked grandma what to do . She was more concerned that I had stained one of the good hands towels."
"My friend was hooking up with a guy who was so big that while she was blowing him, she literally threw up every drink she had had that night on him . It also triggered a chain reaction, and they both spent the rest of the night in the bathroom."
"Years ago I met up with a guy in an empty cornfield. His dick was almost 9 inches and thick. Neither of us had condoms or lube, so we foolishly just used spit. A few minutes later, he finished and pulled out. That's when I noticed the bloody, shitty jizz that was dripping off his dick and down my legs . We didn't bring anything to clean up with, so we used my underwear. He thanked me and took off. I went to Walmart a few blocks away, bought new shorts and underwear, and changed in the restroom. When I got home, my mom complimented me on my new shorts."
"I hooked up with a guy who had the most enormous penis I'd ever seen. Rather than chickening out, I grabbed the lube and attempted to make it fit. I have dyspareunia, a condition that makes sex very painful, and his dick ended up ripping the lower part of my vagina, à la giving-birth-style. I had to have an episiotomy, which meant stitches from my vagina to my ass ."
"I dislocated my jaw trying to give a blow job once."
“I met up with a guy from Grindr, and he had the biggest penis I’d ever seen. He took his dick out of my ass because it was hurting me too much, and he said, ‘Damn, you made a mess.’ I saw what looked like a gallon of beef stew, and the smell soon followed. He started puking all down my back, and it ran into my hair, eyes, his bed, and the floor . His sister knocked on the door to see what was going on. He ran into the bathroom while I, still covered in poop and puke, tried to put on my clothes. It was impossible to leave with any dignity.”
"I was dating a guy with a very long, very girthy penis. I was too scared to have penetrative sex with him, so we always stuck to oral. One night, I was going down on him and decided I wanted to try to deep-throat. His penis jerked and I got scared and bit him really hard. His dick started bleeding and he got really freaked out and made me bring him to the hospital . Everything turned out fine. The doctor just bandaged it and gave him some antibiotics, but we stopped dating soon after."
"I was really horny so I drove 45 minutes to my ex's house to have sex. The next morning I realized I never took out my tampon . His penis was so big that it pushed the tampon up too far, and I couldn't get it out. After 30 minutes I gave up and called the guy, asking for a favor. I went to his work, locked the door, pulled out some medical gloves and a towel, and spread my legs on his desk so he could pull out the tampon. He fished around for 15 minutes and finally got it out."
"I was with my crush, and we thought we were home alone. His dick was giant, but I was being a trou
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