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Sep 21, 2006 at 4:00 am




So You've Decided to Sleep with a Black Man




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Secret Student Handbook 2006



Charles Tonderai Mudede, The Stranger’s senior staff writer, is a Zimbabwean-born cultural critic, urbanist, filmmaker, college lecturer, and writer. Mudede collaborated with the director Robinson Devor on three films, two of which, Police Beat and Zoo, premiered at Sundance, and one of which, Zoo, screened at Cannes. He has also written for the New York Times, Cinema Scope, Tank Magazine, e-flux, LA Weekly, and C Theory.

The Stranger depends on your continuing support to provide articles like this one. In return, we pledge our ongoing commitment to truthful, progressive journalism and serving our community. So if you’re able, please consider a small recurring contribution. Thank you—you are appreciated!

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So you're finally here, in a big city with lots of different people. When you lived in the small town, the only place you saw people who didn't look like you was on TV. Now they are out and about in real life, in flesh and blood; they sit next to you on the bus, stand in front of and behind you in grocery lines, sell you bongs in seedy cigarette shops.
Some of these different-looking people are black men, and some of these black men have attractive bodies and mysterious eyes. Something in you not only wants to meet some of these black men, but also fuck them. If you are in this condition, known as "jungle fever" (there's also yellow fever, but that's another matter altogether), then here are a few important things you should know about having sex with a black man.
First and foremost, when the black man you are about to get it on with pulls down his pants and reveals a shockingly small penis, try your very best not to look upset or surprised or confused. Look pleased or supportive or, best of all, like you didn't even notice a thing. Black men with small penises have the hardest time in this society. Like a hunchback is aware of his physical flaw, the black man with a small penis is aware of the fact that he is a walking, breathing disappointment, the living negation of an enormous sexual myth. Even normal-looking, and normal-performing, brothers feel the guilt and burden of not being all they are rumored to be.
Don't ask a brother to go down on you. It's not going to happen, and brothers also don't care for long sessions of foreplay. Just get right to it and keep it simple, keep it real.
While having sex, do not call the brother a "black stud," or "hot chocolate," or "my nigger." Just moan and don't register his race, even though that is the only reason why you are fucking him.
Don't play hiphop while having sex with a black man. Why? Because he'll start thinking that he's nothing more to you than a substitute for some fantasy rapper you've seen on BET—50 Cent, Nelly, LL Cool J.
The music of Barry White, however, is cool.
Now this is very important: Don't act and talk like a sister during sex. If a brother wants to go to bed with a sister, he'll do just that—go to bed with a sister. The reason why he is going to bed with you is because you are white, and so act and talk like you look, white.
Missy Elliott, your favorite sister rapper on BET, has warned you about "two-minute brothers." Well, you don't even know the half of it. There are one-minute brothers out there, and you just might end up with one. If that happens, sorry, so sorry. There's nothing anybody can do about that.
After sex, don't look puzzled or lost in thought. The brother will think you are disappointed with the whole affair.

Original reporting and incisive analysis, direct from the Guardian every morning
© 2022 Guardian News & Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. (modern)
In September 2000 my daughter was nearly 13 and had just started secondary school. She had always got on well with other children and worked hard. But after a couple of months things began to change. She started wearing lots of make-up. The school was a stone's throw away, but friends began calling for her as early as 7.30am. Next my older daughter spotted her hanging about in the local park with some lads from school who introduced the girls they befriended to older boys and men. I was very alarmed. Then she started missing certain lessons, sometimes whole days.
When she started disappearing overnight, I trawled the streets looking for her. I had no control over her. Sometimes she would say she was going to have an early night, then she'd turn on the shower and climb out the bathroom window. Once when she disappeared, I went through the park looking for her and asked a teenage boy if he'd seen her. I was horrified when he said, "Yes, all the prostitutes hang out by the bowling green."
I confronted my daughter. "That's not true," she said. "Those boys are my boyfriends."
As far as she was concerned, she was doing what she wanted to do and I was hindering her. Money didn't seem to be changing hands, but the girls were getting drink and drugs and mobile phones. The men flattered them into believing they loved them as part of a process of grooming them to have sex with lots of different men, some in their 30s and 40s. People ask me why I use the word "grooming" rather than referring to them as paedophiles, but most of these men haven't been convicted.
I felt as if my daughter was sliding away from me and I'd never be able to get her back. Every minute of every day became a nightmare. I couldn't eat, sleep or function properly, and I could see no way back. Every time she disappeared, I thought I'd never see her alive again. If a girl is over 13, she has to be the complainant in a case of sexual assault. Because this was happening outside the house, there was nothing I could do. The worst thing, as a mother, was not being able to prevent my daughter from being abused.
At the end of 2001, a year after her first disappearance, I put her into care. She didn't want to go, but I could no longer cope. My lowest point was the first time I visited her. Seeing her and having to walk away was unbearable. Everything exploded while she was in care, and I had a breakdown.
My nephew killed himself unexpectedly during this time. My daughter and I attended the funeral, and were both extremely upset. Afterwards, I took my daughter firmly by the shoulders and said to her, "You'll never know how many times I thought I'd be going to your funeral."
Then I walked away. She seemed to turn some sort of corner that day, and so did I. She started to realise what she was doing to herself and I could see for the first time that she needed me. I think I had to feel as low as it was possible to feel before I found the strength to fight what was happening to her and other girls.
I started campaigning with Ann Cryer, the MP for Keighley, for a change in the law to make hearsay evidence admissible in grooming cases, a change we secured last year. I'm proud of what I achieved and my daughter is proud of me, too.
After two years in care, she came back to live with me, went back to college, got qualifications. At times she feels down about what happened to her, which she now recognises as abuse. Last year Channel 4 made a programme about the grooming issue in this area and, although some white men were involved, the BNP hijacked it as a race issue: Asians exploiting white girls. I was furious because this is not a race issue.
The men live locally and we see them from time to time. They call my daughter names, and me, too, if I'm with her. I say to them, "I'm not frightened of any of you." My daughter calls out, "I've moved on with my life and it's a shame you can't move on with yours." Our relationship is better than it has ever been. We talk to each other and if she goes out with friends, she leaves a note on the fridge telling me where she's gone and when she'll be back. It's fantastic to get those notes.
· Do you have a story to tell? Email: experience@theguardian.com

Read Deidre’s personal replies to today’s problems
I THOUGHT it would be a real turn-on for me if my wife had sex with another man.
She agreed to do it, saying it was for me. Now I wish I could turn back the clock.
We have been married for four years. She’s 33, I am 30. I had read about this stupid idea and thought, like many men I guess, it would be fantastic.
I fixed up for her to meet this man through a hook-up website.
She has been sleeping with the guy for weeks now. He is 29. They always arrange to go to the same hotel.
She returns home next morning and tells me what they got up to. She always says the sex is brilliant.
She gets constant texts from him. When he messages her she cheers up and offers me favours to agree to her seeing him again.
I wish I could refuse and mean it but she knows how to get round me and always has.
I feel wretched every time her phone rings. I asked her how she feels about this guy.
She said she doesn’t love him but he is very well-endowed.
I wish I had never mentioned the idea. I almost had to push her into it to start with but now she gets moody when I ask her to stop seeing him.
She says that if I carry on being difficult about it we will probably split up. We have a lovely home, a good social life and jobs. I don’t want to lose any of those.
I love my wife dearly. I can’t sleep and I can’t eat. I can’t concentrate at work either. Why did I ever come up with the idea in the first place?
DEIDRE SAYS: Don’t let her comments about his physique get you down. Good sex isn’t just about inches. Keep telling your wife you love her and want to have a wonderful sex life with her. Work at that and your relationship generally.
My e-leaflets Thrilling A Woman In Bed and Looking After Your Relationship should help. Give it a while, then tell her she cannot continue having two men in her life, that you want her with you 100 per cent.
If you have made enough effort with your relationship and are firm enough that she has to choose, hopefully she will tell him it’s over.
If she won’t, I am afraid you have lost her anyway. That would be sad but you’re already unhappy. Continuing to share her indefinitely like this would wreck your self-esteem.
MY dad put a camera in the room where I slept when I visited him as a child. He sometimes climbed into bed beside me and I’d often wake to find him touching me under my nightie.
I am now a woman of 24. I have a partner but dare not tell him about this. He would go mental.
My parents split up when I was a baby. I was about 13 when I realised what he did was wrong and told my mum. She stopped me going there.
My dad now has a new girlfriend with a small daughter. What if he is messing with her too? Do I tell him I know what he did to me or do I tell someone close to him? I don’t want anything bad to happen to him but I need closure.
His girlfriend’s daughter has told me he goes to her room and tickles her back. He used to do that to me.
DEIDRE SAYS: I am sure you want to make sure this little girl doesn’t suffer as you did. Your dad’s girlfriend will have no idea of his history.
My e-leaflet Worried A Child Is At Risk? explains more but of course it feels scary to report him.
Start by talking in confidence to the NSPCC helpline ( nspcc.org.uk , 0808 800 5000).
Seeing this vulnerable child safe should help to give you the closure you need but in the meantime you can find understanding support through the National Association for People Abused in Childhood ( napac.org.uk , 0808 801 0331).
I FOUND a stack of my wife’s old mobile phone bills while going through some paperwork during a recent house move.
The bills went back six years or more and there were hundreds of text messages to the same number every month.
My wife is 33 and works part-time. I am 35. We have been married for eight years.
I did a bit of research and discovered that the person sending the messages was a male colleague of hers.
The nature of his work meant that he travelled about and that is when they texted one another.
I spoke to my wife about it and she just said this took place years ago and they sent messages to each other when they weren’t busy. Am I being paranoid?
Might she have been having an affair?
This is constantly on my mind and I find I keep checking up on her.
DEIDRE SAYS: If you and your wife get on well otherwise, accept her explanation and try to let the issue go.
Otherwise, you will be eaten up with jealousy and it will drive a wedge between you both.
Instead, try to focus on your relationship as it is now, especially its strengths.
Talk to your wife and figure out together whether any changes could be made.
This would be far more positive than brooding over what was probably trivial and a long time ago.
MY boyfriend is lovely and caring but our sex life, which was amazing at first, has started to crumble.
We have been together for a year. I am 30 and he is five years older. For six months now he hasn’t been staying hard when we have sex.
He said he would see the doctor but hasn’t. If I mention it he says he has a lot on his plate and can’t deal with the stress of sorting it out. It has been months since he has even pleasured me or wanted me to pleasure him.
He is going through a lot with his ex and I feel I am selfish if I mention it again.
I have been patient and haven’t even thought about sleeping with anyone else but I can’t survive like this.
DEIDRE SAYS: It isn’t selfish to want a fulfilling sex life.
Your boyfriend is feeling overwhelmed but ignoring the problem just adds to the stress he’s under. That in turn makes his erection problems worse.
Take the lead to get the two of you kissing and cuddling and touching again. Don’t aim for full sex, just build intimacy.
Make an appointment for him with his GP, as this could be a symptom of a health problem.
And my e-leaflet Solving Erection Problems might also be of help.
MY ex called round to collect our daughter, saw that I had put on a dress and done my hair and make-up, and automatically assumed I was meeting another man.
I was going for a drink and a chat with my sister, as I do every week, but he sent angry texts all evening insisting he’d bring our little girl back early. He slammed the door so hard when he arrived that he damaged it.
I made light of the incident for our daughter’s sake as she is only seven, but I am so stressed. I only get that one evening off each week. It is my one break.
My ex and I parted on bad terms. He is 40, I am 32.
If I don’t do as he says he threatens to tell Social Services that I am a bad mother.
He uses our daughter as a weapon to spite me but she is always bottom of his list of priorities.
DEIDRE SAYS: You’re right to try to keep the worst of the conflict from your little girl but she will be picking up on the tension.
Talk to your ex when she is not around. Say you want him to be involved with her as it is good for her to know she has a loving dad, but that you need better ground rules as you both need to lead your own lives.
Ask him to come with you for family mediation. You can find a family mediator through the Family Mediators Association ( thefma.co.uk , 01355 244 594).
My Kids In The Middle booklet can help too – download it at thesun.co.uk/kidsinthemiddle .
GOING through my dad’s papers after he died, I discovered he was adopted. He never told me and it’s made my grief over losing him even worse.
It feels as if I never really knew him.
He was 78 and his death was not unexpected as he had been very ill, but I am still trying to cope with the shock of losing him. I am 46 and his only son.
Through research, my sister and I have discovered his biological parents’ identities. It looks like his dad died and his mum couldn’t afford to keep him.
He wasn’t happy with his adoptive parents (as I now know they are) and they lost touch long before I was born. It’s so sad and I’m hurt he never shared this.
I am still grieving for my dad and uncovering this mystery seems to have made losing him worse.
The saddest thing is now it is too late to talk to him about it and understand why he kept this to himself.
DEIDRE SAYS: I can understand your hurt but he is the same person he always was – the dad you loved.
His generation were brought up to believe personal issues were best kept private and it was probably tied up with painful memories for him. You were part of his fresh, happier, start in life.
How you feel now is part of your grieving and you can get support for that through Cruse Bereavement Care ( cruse.org.uk , 0844 477 9400).
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