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My husband and I have been married for 16 years. We have sex about once a month, after kids and lots of life stuff, and that’s fine for me. I think he’d like a little more, but he’s seemed OK with our current pace. I know he masturbates pretty frequently—he goes to a particular room, and I know what’s up—but I try to respect his privacy. Recently, I was cleaning in that particular room and I brushed his laptop, which was not password-protected. You probably know where this is going: He had left some porn up on the screen. The thing is, it was bisexual porn. And the guys were definitely the focal point of this particular one from what I could tell. I was sort of shocked and I only looked for a second before I shut the laptop and left the room.
My husband has never mentioned a sexual interest in men in any way, and I never would have guessed he might have one. This ate at me for a couple weeks before I finally mentioned it to him in a clumsy way. He turned bright-red and said it was just porn, nothing more. I should have let it go, but I pressed, and he eventually said he prefers bisexual porn but would never want to try anything with a guy in person. I asked him if he would if I gave him my blessing. He seemed super flustered and said he didn’t know. He denied he’s bisexual and said it’s just curiosity, but I could tell he was a little unsure. He seemed happy to change the subject and I finally let it go, but I feel really uneasy about what I found out. He would die before talking about this with a couples’ therapist. I also have no idea if I’d be OK with letting him explore, but I definitely can’t just forget about this. What should I do?
Stoya: So, some fantasies are just fantasies. Sometimes people fantasize about things they would never want to actually happen.
Rich: Yeah, and porn can kind of tease out those very fantasies but also keep them at bay.
Rich: Could it be possible that the fact it is so distant is what makes it hot? Like, it’s hot precisely because it’s so removed from his experience?
Rich: All of which is to say, this isn’t necessarily a sounding of the alarm. Maybe he’s just bored with the aesthetics of straight porn and wanted to branch out. Plenty of straight women are into gay porn, which depicts scenarios that they are excluded from by definition.
Stoya: Absolutely. Or he could want to kiss another dude, on the penis.
Rich: He very well might. One thing that I have to say, even if it’s ultimately immaterial, is that I don’t believe this instance of porn discovery was as innocent as the letter writer makes it out to be. “I was cleaning in that particular room and I brushed his laptop.” Please. I think she was snooping. That’s probably neither here nor there, but let’s not bullshit a bullshitter.
Stoya: Sometimes, I think I take our letters at face value too often.
Rich: It’s because you’re pure of heart. I’m the cynic.
Porn-watching habits are not statements of a desire to act.
Rich: It’s true. But maybe, ya know, it’s worth acknowledging that there may be a violation of privacy afoot. A minor one. Ideally, these things would be out in the open in a relationship, so I also kind of feel like as long as it isn’t devastating, whatever it takes to get to the truth is ultimately OK.
Stoya: Yeah, I was mostly thinking how sad it is that they can’t just, like, talk about this.
Rich: I felt for the guy. He seemed really shaken—and this is from her perspective.
Stoya: He might be dealing with a lot of shame or fear.
Rich: For sure. I know that this is not a fashionable thing to say and could be contradicted with a man cave full of counterexamples, but it’s hard for straight guys in some ways. “Straight” is such a narrow path for a lot of guys, and deviating from it means calling into question your entire identity. This kind of thing can be worldview-altering.
Stoya: I’m wondering if there are ways that our writer can be cautious with her husband while satisfying her own need to address this further.
Rich: Like if she put on bisexual porn for their next sex session? A way to kind of illustrate her acceptance?
Stoya: That might be the worst option! I’m imagining the guy turning into an actual turtle and retracting his head into his upper chest out of embarrassment. But at the end she says she definitely can’t just forget about this. Which leads me to believe she’s going to want to address his taste for bisexual porn again in the future.
Rich: Right. So how to do that delicately?
Stoya: Displays of acceptance might be part of that, but I think she should proceed slowly.
Rich: Yes, and you know, this is still recent, so he’s still getting used to the idea of someone knowing his secret. So maybe his wife’s discovery didn’t yield an immediate exhale moment, but that could be coming as he becomes more comfortable with what all of this means. Which is to say that these conversations could go better in the future. Maybe a good way to approach this is for her to make herself available to talk about this without pushing. Ask him if he’s comfortable talking about it, instead of staging a confrontation every time.
Stoya: Or sharing some of her own undisclosed sexual interests if she has any. Sometimes that kind of vulnerability goes a long way to putting a partner at ease.
Rich: That’s a great point. Does she have any bi-curiosity herself?
Stoya: An interest in toes? A desire for latex?
Rich: It would be useful to really understand his sexuality. If he is indeed bi, then in theory this poses about as much threat as if he were into redheads but married a brunette. Just another element of his taste palate, you know?
Stoya: Totally. There’s no reason to panic, and porn-watching habits are not statements of a desire to act.
Rich: But ideally, as the letter writer hints, he’d be allowed to explore this if he were really interested in it. I know it’s a big ask, but life is short. Seems a waste to go through it wanting but never getting your hands on some dick.
Stoya: I think she could do some thinking on what she would need to feel comfortable. Boundaries about sleepovers? No green boxer shorts? Or, you know, deep conversations about what “fluid bonding” means so she’s prepared in case he does want to explore and expresses that?
Rich: Yes. It’s a big idea to get used to. I totally understand why people use monogamy as a security blanket, but allowing him to experience this sex he’s potentially interested in and presumably never has had would be a great gift to him.
Stoya: She might find she enjoys compersion.
Stoya: Ooooh, yes, that too. I think, just remember their love and trust for each other, nurture that, and be careful with each other if they decide to explore.
Rich: I agree. If these conversations instill a sense of fear in him, there’s a good chance he’ll have a fight-or-flight response and then they’ll be no further along than they were in the first place.
Stoya: Definitely. So use plenty of caution and be gentle.
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By Zachary Zane and With additional reporting by Adrianna Freedman
It’s not easy to find a movie with bisexual characters. It’s even harder to find one that offers a positive and authentic depiction of bisexuality. All too often, when a film has bisexual or pansexual characters, they’re often depicted as greedy villains. This is because sexual fluidity is equated to moral fluidity, notes The Washington Post. If bi folks aren’t depicted as evil, then often they’re the butt of a joke that insinuates bisexuality is merely a phase.
This sucks for bi people. We want to see stories where we’re represented in a real and positive manner. In our day to day lives, we experience so much biphobia, so seeing authentic depictions of bisexuality help us remember that we’re not alone—that there are other bi folks out there. It also helps us realize that it’s not all bad. Bisexual people, too, can have a happy ending and find the love of their lives.
In honor of #BiWeek, we’re celebrating films that have done a great (or at least reasonably decent) job at depicting bisexuality on the silver screen. Sure, not all of these films have a happy ending—Call Me By Your Name, in particular, left me left in tears. Nevertheless, all of them, including Behind the Candelabra, Imagine Me and You, and Chasing Amy, offers a more authentic and diverse depiction of how bisexuality manifests. After all, there’s no one right way to be bisexual.
With all that said, here are 16 movies that showcase bisexual identity.
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An iconic musical on its own, the film follows a bunch of performers at a Berlin cabaret club at the height of the Weimar Republic in the 1930s. Known for being avant-garde in its time, the film features bisexuality via the throuple relationship between Brian, Max, and Sally.
Charlize Theron stars as a bisexual 1980s spy on a mission to find a group of double agents the day before the Berlin Wall collapses. While the movie is primarily an action film, it also explores the main character's romantic side.
Premiering at the 2012 London Film Festival, the movie explores the budding sexuality of a young call center employee who finds himself attracted to a male artist and his female roommate.
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Considered one of the best movies of 2019, the story follows two high school seniors (played by Beanie Feldstein and Kaitlyn Dever) as they finally break the rules in their last days of adolescence. Dever's character is gay, but the girl she has a crush on seems to be into guys and girls.
Annette Bening and Julianne Moore play a couple whose kids set out to find their sperm donor. Things get complicated when said sperm donor, played by Mark Ruffalo, enters the family's life, and sparks fly between him and Moore's character.
While the movie is a biopic about one of the most iconic British bands of the 20th century, the film also explores the relationships Freddie Mercury had with Mary Austin and Paul Prenter.
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Based on the man who created the sexuality scale, the film follows how Alfred Kinsey learned about sexual behavior and normalized how everyone's sexual orientation isn't exactly black and white.
Following two teenage boys as they embark on a Mexican road trip with an older woman, the movie waits until the very end to bring up the concept of bisexuality in the form of a legendary threesome scene.
While the 2017 film is iconic for some pretty graphic sexual moments (hello there, peach!), the film also explores both characters' sexual identities in the 1980s, delicately striking a raw balance between what they believe is acceptable and whom they love.
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The movie starts out like any romantic comedy, where the lead character (Piper Perabo) is about to get married to the love of her life...until she meets a woman on her wedding day, making her question not only her sexuality, but how she equates her relationships to her own self-worth. It's cheesy, but you'll get swept into the story nonetheless.
Movie-goers might remember the Oscar-winning movie categorized primarily as a gay love story, but critics have theorized that the leads, played by Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger, were actually bi. (The script never explicitly labels their sexual identities.) No matter how you slice it, though, it's still a great watch.
Ben Affleck stars as a young comic book artist who falls in love with a lesbian woman who later realizes she is bisexual.
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Michael Douglas and Matt Damon star in this 2013 biopic as Liberace and his "companion" Scott Thorson, exploring their complicated relationship. While the two often have sexual trysts as part of their agreement, Thorson's bisexuality does play a role within their relationship, particularly when he comes out to the older pianist.
The 2018 biopic explores the life of Sidonie-Gabrielle Colette as she tries to be the perfect English housewife while simultaneously falling in love with a fellow socialite.
Zach Gilford stars as a high school student who is attracted to a guy and a girl...who also happen to be best friends. Think of this film as Cruel Intentions light, and with the added twist of a three-way romance.
This 2002 biopic about the Mexican artist explores her road to becoming a surrealist art icon, as well as her extramarital relationships with men and women.
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Bisexual Mature Tube